Painfully Retarded Quotes

Kelvin: I've got my career figured out. I'm going to write screenplays... for action movies. It'll be easy. So, car explodes here, here, here and here, main character kills bad buys here and here with cool guns. Who gives a shit about about dialogue or plot or character?
Frank: What about a sex scene with a really hot chick?
Kelvin: Nah, girls shouldn't be in movies. Except pornos. And then, they only get to moan.
-On high octane sausagefests

"Yeah, I remember when you guys put grass and an 8 of spades in my crack."
-Edgar, remembering why he can't take naps anymore

Taylor: You could die from heroin.
Lisa: Or an overdose on Special K.
Taylor: Damn, that's a lotta cereal.
Lisa: Haha, Special K is cat tranquilizer.
Taylor: ...Oh.
-But if you sprinkled crack on it...

Andrea: Danny, what's the weirdest thing you ate while in Japan?
Danny: Hmmm, the craziest thing? That's a tough one! Probably raw horse.
Andrea: Sick!
(10 minutes later)
Danny: Oh! I ate whale, Andrea! It tasted like endangered species.
-After Danny came home from living in Japan for 2 years

Jeff: Fuck, dude, it smells like a big ass-tank in here!
Jimmy and Leslie: What's an ass-tank??
-After the rankest fart was let loose in Jeff's room

Ryan: It's like sex....with a woman!
Anthony: Or a monkey.
Ryan: ...a female monkey!
-Holding the standards high

(Answering the phone) "Hello? Who is this? Oh Stephy! I thought you said 'Scruffy' which is my dog’s name, and I thought 'How can she be calling me when she's sitting right here?'"
-Stephy's Grandma, voicing the least logical reason why the dog couldn't be calling her

Jules: What the hell Frank! How did you break the stability ball? That's the best one in this gym.
Frank: I was prodding it along with a spear.
Jules: Why would you do that?
Frank: In my defense, I did not think that the spear was sharp enough to puncture the ball nor the skin of the ball weak enough to be punctured. Well, you could also end the sentence at "I didn't think."
-On the long and short of it

"I'm going to tease the shit out of you...will you hold my hand now?"
-Mario, responding to girlfriends question "What are we going to do tonight?"

Dan: Are you cutting that apple with a butter knife?
Greg: Yeah, I have sensitive gums!
Shane: No. We're having sex you fag!
-Telling it how it is

Shannin: TYLER, TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!!
Tyler: WHAT?!
Shannin: He reeks like Febreze!
Abby: Shannin, Dakotah's air refresher is behind your head...
-On cheap ploys?

Guy in Bear Costume: Hey! We're drunk bears!
Random Guy: Hey, I've seen you around, wanna come back to the tents, have some ecstasy? Smoke a joint?
Guy in Bear Costume: Bears don't do E.
(Bear walks away)
-Overheard at Pemberton

Random Guy: Hey, they must have cut down a tree.
Kelv: Nope, they hauled in a bunch of logs and planted a stump...
-Here's your sign

" Wow, the Cancer Center is gorgeous!! Man, I wish I had cancer..."
- Alicia, while familiarizing with USF campus

Jake: Are you female?
Jaymi: No.
Ryan: You're not?!?!
-Ryan, not understanding the rules of "Who am I"