Ted counts the number of cupholders in a Toyota Sienna. There are 18. This was not the future he had imagined for himself. He thinks of Paris.
What’s next, requiring me to carry a regular wallet instead of my trusty burlap sack with a dollar sign on it?
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
12:27 A.M. Chug an entire glass of water. Future You will deal with this. 1:06 A.M. The song “Mr. Sandman” is stuck in your head.
Lord Craig, why dost thou keep the queue stagnant? Is it not time to order the execution of the pilgrim who insists he has a reservation number?
Time is not my friend. Bacteria from the splinter is multiplying, as I text. I can feel sepsis is setting in. I only have one, two days tops.
To be frank, this email arrives at a somewhat complicated time professionally. Perhaps you heard I was laid off not too long ago.
For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.
I don’t understand oat milk. I’ve never met an oat with tits.
I hate to be that guy, but your mother and I are splitting up.
Lord Craig, why dost thou keep the queue stagnant? Is it not time to order the execution of the pilgrim who insists he has a reservation number?
Each employee should onboard a child for photos. Be discerning in your selection. Children who look both winsome and unmistakably aligned with our hunger initiative are ideal.
I never saw myself as a Hamptons person. I also never saw myself at the center of a scandal on a Bravo reality show, but here we are.
We noticed you’re attempting to exit the burning building. Nice choice! Unfortunately, emergency exits are not included in your current plan.
