12:27 A.M. Chug an entire glass of water. Future You will deal with this. 1:06 A.M. The song “Mr. Sandman” is stuck in your head.
To be frank, this email arrives at a somewhat complicated time professionally. Perhaps you heard I was laid off not too long ago.
I’d appreciate it if you listened to my tips for spear-sharpening without sprinting to Human Resources.
Are you too pale? Yes, you are. We don’t even need to look at you; we can tell by your order history.
Back at the wizard’s tower, I’ve got a small team of young apprentices working on Gen-M and frankly, even we’re surprised by its capability.
Until you are told you otherwise, you are only allowed to use cannabis on weekends.
We were looking for someone who is my sister’s son, invites me to tap recitals, and doesn’t correct me at the Thanksgiving table when I say something racist.
I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.
I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.
Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.
Lord Craig, why dost thou keep the queue stagnant? Is it not time to order the execution of the pilgrim who insists he has a reservation number?
Each employee should onboard a child for photos. Be discerning in your selection. Children who look both winsome and unmistakably aligned with our hunger initiative are ideal.
I never saw myself as a Hamptons person. I also never saw myself at the center of a scandal on a Bravo reality show, but here we are.
We noticed you’re attempting to exit the burning building. Nice choice! Unfortunately, emergency exits are not included in your current plan.
