Course Description
In this class, I will explain to you in precise detail why I don’t give a shit and everything is pointless.
In Unit 1, we’ll cover why I am up outta proverbial “fucks.” In Unit 2, we will delve into how I’m sick of your stupid shit too, and pretty please fuck off (and thank you). In Unit 3, you will do your own presentations outlining how your fuck tank hit “E” like quite a while ago, and I can go ahead and jerk it over a pile of fucks. And finally, in Unit 4, we will do some group activities telling each other to just up and go skydive into a mound of shit without a parachute, like in Pilotwings (which you’ve never heard of because you’re 19).
The readings for this course:
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Assignments
There will be weekly writing assignments. Whatever you write, I am sure it will be stupid, and I am certain not to read it. Worth 70 points total because that sounds about right, but honestly who cares?
Exams
There will be three exams totaling 8,000 points each—seriously, it’s just numbers. The exams will consist of a combination of multiple choice and short answer questions, mostly pertaining to diatribes you will hear from me during class. I have this bit about Crunch Berries that kills, and you’re going to repeat it back to me verbatim. And don’t get me started on pediatric dentistry. If you’ve ever paid $150 for a suspiciously attractive dental hygienist to brush your four-year-old’s baby teeth for 75 seconds, you know what I’m talking about.
Final Paper
You will each write a 10-15 page paper analyzing just how utterly pointless any of this is. Ever wondered why you’re doing any of this, like any of it? Maybe you think this is making you a better person, or helping you to get a better job… can I jump in? Everything you ever do will be forgotten, very quickly. You could conquer the known world, and in the end you’ll still end up dead (probably violently), an obscure figure to the few remaining humans surviving on the planet—and they’ll die too, poof. Nothing. This paper will be worth 8,001 points.
Attendance/Participation
I will take attendance and assign 3.14 points based on just how annoying you are. The more annoying you are, the better the student you are (most likely), or maybe you’re just one of those people that can’t shut the fuck up. If the latter is the case, I would direct you back to the point that neither I, nor anybody else, cares at all about any of this. At best, this is a paycheck for me, and for you, this is the start of a long process of realizing that pretty much everybody and everything is an onion made of pure, uncut bullshit. As you peel back the layers, you discover more bullshit, until finally, mercifully, you die.
Cell Phone Policy
I only allow iPhone 10s or above in my class. I will tolerate Androids, but if you start talking about the camera quality and how it’s superior to that of the iPhone, I will kindly ask you to leave.
Statement on Required Face Covering
In accord with the university’s Face Covering policy (www.yourbreathgonnastankinyournose.edu), I only want to see a look of deep, unimaginable anger or paralyzed fear in your eyes—the rest of your face will be masked. If you try to do that squinty-eyed smile thing with me, so help me God, I will hold you by the lapel off the roof of the building like you’re Andy Dufresne trying to help me with my taxes.
In the absence of an approved accommodation, a student’s refusal to wear a mask or face covering will be considered a classroom disruption, and they will be told to kindly take their American flag t-shirt with an eagle on it, make like a tree, and get the fuck outta here (Back to the Future Part 2, 1989).
List of University Policies on Discrimination, Emergency Response, and Academic Integrity
Not gonna touch it.
Grading Policy
Points Breakdown:
Assignments: 70 pts
Paper: 8,001 pts
Exam 1: 8,000 pts
Exam 2: 8,000 pts
Exam 3: 8,000 pts
Participation/Attendance: 3.14 pts
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Total: 32,074.14 pts
I will use the following scale to assign grades:
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Course Schedule
Week 1: Syllabus, first chance to drop.
Week 2: Chapter 1: A brief history of me losing my shit.
🖕pp. 3-15
Week 3: Chapter 2: The point of no return with regard to fucks, and also you’re paying something even if you drop.
🖕 pp. 17-50
Week 4: Chapter 3: You can still drop, but now all your money is going to my (really shitty) salary. Just kidding, it’s going to the Business School.
🖕pp. 54-72
Week 5: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕UNIT 1 EXAM🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Week 6: Chapter 4: Oh you’re sad about your score on the first exam? Eat a fuck.
🖕pp. 75-93
Week 7: Chapter 5: The fuck do you mean “are there extra credit opportunities?” I all but told you WTF was on the exam, no cap.
🖕pp. 96-105
Week 8: Chapter 6: OK fine here’s an extra credit assignment.
🖕pp. 109-125
Week 9: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕UNIT 2 EXAM🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Week 10: Chapter 7: Oh, now you done showed up to a fuck party but forgot to wear a costume.
🖕pp. 127-145
Week 11: Chapter 8: So I’m the asshole now? You’re starting to get the hang of this.
🖕pp. 150-175
Week 12: Presentation Week
Week 13: TBD Catch up
Week 14: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕UNIT 3 EXAM🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Week 15: Pilotwings. We’re playing Pilotwings this week. There is some really weird imagery I still have hanging in my brain from this game, and we are going to work it out together. Imagine somebody basically skydiving to their death toward a bullseye, and then just silence. That is Pilotwings, and perhaps life itself.
Also…
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕FINAL PAPER DUE🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Minor changes may occur with this schedule. Did I mention that none of this matters? None of it. Just emptiness, all of it, the whole thing.