We are here today to honor the life of the greatest football player of all time, Tom Brady. Back in the 2020s, fans didn’t believe Tom when he said he could play at age 50. But he just kept playing and winning and playing and winning. Without a reason to stop, Tom kept throwing until he died of natural causes at the age of 319.
His historic career began in New England, now known as Under-Sea Territory F, where Tom won six Super Bowls in 20 years. But he was far more successful during his second 20 years in New England, winning ten more Super Bowls from 2136 to 2156. And in his third century of life, Brady really came into his own. He only lost to one opposing quarterback during all of his 200s—Tyree Manning, Eli's great-great-grandson.
Back when Tom first started playing football, there were no 5th down conversions or 100-yard field goals. And every game took place on Earth, where gravity was always a huge factor. But somehow, he found a way to run an offense that has yet to be eclipsed. He did it better than Namath, Montana, and even the league's reigning MVP, Lizard Man.
Tom’s often compared to modern quarterbacks like A.I. Overlord 345, Freckles the Talking Dog from Space, and A.I. Overlord 482. But the difference is that today's quarterbacks rarely have to throw downfield, and many receive multiple in-game brain transplants. Meanwhile, Tom did it the old-fashioned way his whole career. One brain for every game. It sounds a little wild now, but that was Tom. He was gonna do things his way.
He had countless memorable moments. But his two best games had to be beating the Greatest Show on Turf for his first championship and Super Bowl 126—Brady Vs. The Almighty Glowing Orb. The Orb went on to have a wonderful career, but it'll never delete the memory of the day it was humbled by the one true GOAT.
Tom was in incredible shape for his entire life. Even now! There's not a person here who wouldn't transplant their consciousness into his deceased body. I'm seeing a lot of nodding heads.
His fitness was largely a result of his TB12 health regimen, which changed nutrition forever. These days, every doctor would agree it's best to survive off electrolyte-infused water, nightshade fruits, and a personal reservoir of bone broth. But this was far from normal when TB12 started. Thanks to Tom, solid food is a thing of the past.
Of course, Tom couldn’t do all of this alone. Rob Gronkowski, who tragically died in 2021 from being himself, was one of Tom’s favorite targets. He also had the support of his loving wife Gisele, the original and clones 2-13, whose work ethic inspired Tom every day.
Tom, if you can hear me, and according to doctors your body was so evolved that you can listen in death, we miss and love you very much.
Up next, I'd like to welcome Bill Belichick's disembodied head to come up and say a few words. Wait, never mind, the head's shaking side to side. Wow, no comment even at a funeral. Classic Belichick head!