I am so happy to have football back.
In case you forgot, last week I told you that I would be picking them games with Nikki the Bartender and Scotty the Handicapper. During our picks conversation at Peabody's Bar last night, I learned that Scotty doesn't believe in the DVR/TIVO gimmick.
"But Scotty," I said. "It's an absolute relationship saver. I mean, you have a live-in girlfriend. And DVR allows you to pause live television and talk to your woman when she tries to interrupt the game. Plus, after you finish talking, you get to fast-forward through the commercials. It's like a reward for being a good boyfriend."
"I'd rather just tell her to shut the hell up," said Scotty. "Really, I enjoy those moments."
And I guess that's what separates Scotty from the pack. Most people try to avoid both arguments with women and watching commercials. Scotty, he prefers to tell people to shut the hell up.
We're all a little different.
And Nikki, well she is a girl. And her fiancée likes sports. So the only thing that interrupts her ability to watch football is her job. Her employers tend to prefer her to work during the games because well, she's good at what she does and, unlike a lot of women, she can talk to her patrons about sports. And not for nothing, but having a picks conversation with her at work is difficult because, even when she doesn't have to schlep drinks, there's always some guy trying to make small talk with her in a futile effort to get her in bed. At one point last night, I actually asked a guy to quit talking to her for a few minutes so I could get her input on the lines.
"You're going to a girl for football advice?" he asked, stunned.
"She's not your typical girl," I replied.
"Yeah, well I can see that."
"Dude, that's not what I meant. Quit being sexist."
That's right. I told another man to quit being sexist. Insert your apocalypse joke here.
On to the picks. As always, home teams in CAPS.
Bucs (+3 ½) over SAINTS
This line puts a sour taste in my mouth, swishes it around and then starts drilling my freaking teeth until they smoke. The Saints off-season acquisitions are more flare and sizzle than they are Jennifer Aniston and steak. That being said, I can't wait to watch the Bucs defense make Jeremy Shockey look like a slow, lumbering white dude. I'm also looking forward to the inevitable "Reggie Bush leaves the game with injury" moment. That's always nice. Really, it's more comforting than anything else. Like a hot drink on a cold day, you know what I'm saying?
Nikki got on board with this pick because, as she said, "It's the Bucs. I have to." Nikki, much like yours truly, is a total homer.
But Scott does not put allegiances before business. He picked New Orleans to cover and added that if he was dumb enough to bet on the NFL, he would buy the line down to 3. For those of you who don't know what that means, basically Scotty's saying that he'd take a slightly reduced payout to get that half point out of his way. If you don't know much about gambling and you read my picks with regularity, you will learn a lot about gambling.
And you're welcome.
EAGLES (-7 ½) over Rams
With all apologies to my family and friends in St. Louis, things do not bode well for the Rams this year. I was in the Lou not two weeks ago and the vibe surrounding the Rams in the local bar scene was akin to the vibe typically found at a wake. For a convicted child molester.
But hey, Steven Jackson is back after holding out for more money and not playing most of the preseason. Celebrate good times, Rams fans. Or just drink away your sorrows. Either way, get drunk.
All three of us agreed on this one, though Scotty added that he would buy the line down to seven, you know, if he was stupid enough to bet the NFL.
Jets (+3) over DOLPHINS
Many sports media folks will tell you that because former Jets QB Chad Pennington is pissed he was replaced by a beat up legend and is also knowledgeable of the entire Jets playbook that he will come out firing and pick apart the Jets defense. The three of us would have all gone with this line of thinking except for one thing: The Dolphins really suck. Really.
PATRIOTS (-16) over Chiefs
I'm the only one of the three of us who believes that the defending Super Bowl losers are gonna come out firing on all cylinders with both barrels (mixing metaphors is fun) but well, I mean last year wasn't that long ago was it? This team eats cupcakes like the Chiefs with all the ferocity of a lunch deprived Eric Cartman (first South Park reference of the NFL season-that didn't take long). And I can't see the Patriots beating the Chiefs in Foxboro by anything less than three touchdowns. Scotty and Nikki disagree, however. Thankfully, they refrained from openly mocking me… for a few minutes, anyway.
Texans (+6 ½) over STEELERS
Again, I'm the only one of the three of us with this pick and for this I was openly mocked but I don't care. I have one of those weird, "this is the Texans year" kind of feelings, which is a lot like that feeling when you're pretty sure you forgot something but don't know what and then, after a few days, you finally realize the Texans are going to the playoffs and your driver's license is on a plane to Guam.
Hey, the pick doesn't make sense. Did you really think the explanation would?
Just pretend I'm not even here.
RAVENS (+1 ½) over Bengals
I love unity. The three of us wholeheartedly agree that the Bengals are a hot, sticky mess on fire in a crowded theatre getting stomped on by the movie usher boots of shit karma. The Ravens are hurting for talent and are definitely rebuilding. But I mean, Ocho fucking Cinco? What kind of shop are you guys running in Cincy? You practically have to discipline those players with C-4.
Oh, and not for nothing, but when in the hell will Microsoft just adjust to the fact that "Bengals" is a word? These red, squiggly spell-check lines have a tendency to piss me off. And I'm not shutting off my spell-check because I don't have the time or inclination to learn how to spell. Or to write for that matter.
Lions (-3) over FALCONS
Take a good look at this line. You may never see Detroit giving points again. And since I have nothing to add about this suck-fest, I figured I'd take some time out of my life and tell you a little about Scotty the Handicapper.
Scotty the Handicapper is a raging alcoholic whose girlfriend gets mad at him when he goes to the bar. Which means that his girlfriend is always mad at him. Fortunately, he's used to women being mad at him and generally doesn't let her anger offset his good moods. His pet peeves include people who move to Florida and bitch about the state ("I didn't ask these fuckers to come here and if they have a problem they can go the fuck home") and police officers who lack college degrees and have no interest in being more than policy enforcers and douchebag bullies. He works in logistics and planning and he's actually lived more than a few months solely off his gambling proceeds, which is why I asked him for help. I'm not putting up a picture of him out of respect for my readers.
Oh, and all three of us agreed on this pick, too. Hugs, kisses, unity and Irish Car bombs. That's how you nurture friendships, party people.
Seahawks (+1) over BILLS
The Seahawks get no love from Vegas and as such, are often a safe bet. All three of us agreed on this pick and we're also all pretty sure that eventually Buffalo's franchise will move to Toronto. After all, the Bills already have confirmed dates over the next three years for games in Toronto. Now, assuming you don't live in Buffalo, I want you to tell me what you would think if your team decided to play a few home games in another town just to "try it out" and for "marketing purposes." Sounds a lot like, "No honey, I just sleep at her house every now and again because we're working a big project together." In other words, this is the beginning of the end.
While picking these games up at Peabody's Bar last night, my friend Main came up to talk to us. Main's fan allegiances are as follows: Detroit Pistons, Buffalo Bills, New York Yankees and Detroit Red Wings (Main moved a lot as a child). He swears up and down that the Bills will never leave Buffalo and that the whole Toronto thing is just meant as a marketing ploy. He is in denial.
"Seriously, baby. Once the project's over, I'll never even see her again."
Sucks to be the entire city of Buffalo.
Jaguars (-3) over TITANS
We all agreed on this pick, too (ahh, camaraderie). And since there's really nothing all that funny or interesting about a meeting of two of the smallest markets in football, let's take a brief moment and get to know Nikki the Bartender.
Nikki the Bartender is a former cheerleader with a degree from USF. In addition to tending bar, she also writes about sports for a local New Tampa newspaper. Her pet peeves include people who don't tip, people who are not nice and slow waitresses. She is a diehard fan of the USF Bulls, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Tampa Bay Rays and even (gulp) the Orlando Magic ("Because Tampa doesn't have a team and they're the closest and I like basketball, okay Jerk?").
I'm putting up a picture of her in a bikini because I love my readers.
Y'all welcome.
BROWNS (+6) over Cowboys
Scotty said he would take the ‘Boys if the spread was 14. Nikki didn't even let me tell her the spread before she picked the ‘Boys. Basically, I'm the only one in the world who thinks the Browns have a shot at covering this game. But you see, the thing about Cleveland football is that it is always surrounded by heartache. And you can't have heartache without false hope. And nothing provides false hope like beating a great team at home in the first week of the season.
Mmmmm…. False hope.
CHARGERS (-9) over Panthers
Again I am the cheese and I am standing alone. Nikki and Scott think I'm crazy but well, I just never pick the Panthers in the first week of a season that follows the pre-season in which Steve Smith beat up another one of his teammates. It's the way I work it and all that.
Also, I am going to provide a weekly list this year involving Steve Smith. I call it the "People, Places Or Things I Would Like Steve Smith to Fight List." This week, I'm going with Clay Bennett, that old asshole who ripped the Sonics from Seattle, moved them to the middle of fucking nowhere and essentially took a huge shit on a town full of coffee sucking snobs. I mean, what an asshole. I think I'd pay three hundred bucks to watch Smith fight Bennett. And I don't think I'm alone.
Cardinals (-2 ½) over 49ERS
Again, this pick represents me, myself and I. Scotty and Nikki are going the other way. Nikki's going the other way because she thinks the Niners updated offense will be enough to spin the Cardinals wet-noodle defense. Scotty though, has a different reason for picking the Niners.
"I love the home dog," he said. "The home dog covers more than sixty percent of the time."
And you thought you weren't gonna learn anything from this post.
COLTS (-9 ½) over Bears
Nikki and I picked the Colts, who will be just fine. I don't care how many snaps Manning has or hasn't taken this year in the preseason, there's no better prepared quarterback in the history of the game than Pey Pey the Wonder Salesman and the Bears probably won't score an offensive touchdown this year.
That being said, I just want to say how great it is that Kyle Orton has the starting QB job on the Bears. Kyle Orton is, essentially, that raging alcoholic friend of yours who flunked out of college and spends his time getting piss wasted and neglecting his grooming. Only he's a starting quarterback. Well, this week anyway.
I mean, do a Google Image search on Orton. I don't think the dude's ever been photographed while sober. Because of his long history of getting drunk and not living up to his potential, I now deem Kyle Orton the official quarterback of Points in Case. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the official bird of Points in Case is a dead parrot. It's a long story.
Vikings (+2 ½) over PACKERS
Scott and I picked the Vikings and Scott even added that he would take the Vikings if they were favored by ten. I wouldn't go that far because I don't trust the Vikings coach (Childress outthinks himself) and their QB is unproven but well, I think they'll beat the Packers.
Nikki went with the Packers because she feels new quarterback Aaron Rodgers has something to prove after the Brett Favre melodrama we endured this summer and, of course, she knows as well as most people how hard it is for visiting teams at Lambeau.
On a personal note though, I have concluded that I would pay $80 to see Aaron Rodgers sucker punch Brett Favre. Scotty's in for a cool $100 and Nikki had no comment. At least, no positive comment.
Broncos (-3) over RAIDERS
Nikki and I picked the Broncos because it's a logical choice. Scott picked the Raiders because he predicted them to have a winning season and this was the last game we picked yesterday and he may have been drunk by then.
Scotty the Handicapper's College Pick of the Week
Each week, Scotty the Handicapper will relay to you which game he is betting on and why. Scotty usually bets college football and this week he is betting on Miami, 24 point dogs to the Florida Gators. When I asked why he chose the Hurricanes, Scotty said the following:
"You see Nate, the spread opened at 20, and then climbed to 21, and then eventually up to 24. That's a four point rise that broke through not one, but two scoring increments. And because the public is almost always wrong, and a rising spread reflects public sentiment in favor of the favorite, it makes sense to go the other way."
I should remind y'all, literally just last year, this man made more money than your average engineer just by gambling. Worth noting.
Your Obligatory USF Homerism
The South Florida Bulls are playing the Central Florida Knights for what may very well be the last time. UCF is located sixty miles from USF and, as such, UCF Coach George O'Leary was hoping that this in-state rivalry would last forever, much like the old Georgia/Georgia Tech thing, but USF coach Jim Leavitt had other ideas and decided to pull the plug on any obligation to play those hapless suckers. And now UCF is pissed about it and ready to bring down the hammer. And so, to all UCF students, I offer the following little message explaining why USF never wants to play you again:
You are all assholes. Every time you come to Tampa to watch a Bulls/Knights game, you trash the parking lot, you start fights and you just generally act like selfish, spoiled pricks. I've seen you fuckers throw full beer bottles at women, attack mascots and grab marching band members as they were playing. Playing you losers is like fucking Lindsay Lohan. It may be easy, but it's not worth it.
Anyway, I hope I never see any of you again and Orlando is representative of everything that is wrong with America.
Oh, and go to hell and die.
Assholes.
Season Records:
Me: 1-0
Nikki: 1-0
Scott: 0-1
That's right, Scotty actually picked the freaking ‘Skins because 75% of the action was on the Giants. Sometimes, the public really does know what it's doing. Not often, but sometimes.