Well, it's a beautiful afternoon. I'm three beers deep, disorganized and feeling really loosey goosey. You have to feel that to even say that. Seriously.
Anyway, as some of you may know, I am so bad at game picking that not only do I solicit the advice of two friends with superior football knowledge but I also base my picks on random attributes of the areas hosting the teams to be picked. I think this is called a re-cap, which is a funny sounding word if you start thinking about the mentally challenged wearing goofy hats. But I digress.
This week, I will be picking them games as if I was offered one simple choice: which area would I rather live in?
Let's get to this. Home teams in CAPS.
Chargers (-1) over BILLS
Imagine if everyone in Buffalo was forced to choose between living in Buffalo and living in San Diego. I don't want to dog Buffalo, so I just want you to imagine someone going door to door in Buffalo and offering the citizenry an equivalent lifestyle in San Diego.
Think about it. Let it roll around in there. It'd be a weird couple of days with that kind of local activity, I reckon.
Nikki and Scotty chose the Bills.
Saints (+3) over PANTHERS
Some people wouldn't like to live in New Orleans. Me? Well, the city and I just kind of mesh. I can't explain it. Okay, I just don't want to. Whatever.
Scotty went the other way.
BEARS (-3) over Vikings
This is, like, one of those two evils things. Where, like, one of them is lesser. You know? Ooh. Nice shoes.
Scotty took the purple crew, which is also the nickname for his upcoming rayhawk.
Steelers (-9.5) over BENGALS
I think it's fair to say that I would be equally miserable in either area, but I like the bar scene in Pitt better. There was a wire. And that's what came down to it. What can I say? I'm deep.
CHIEFS (+9) over Titans
Nashville versus Kansas City? That's tough. Both towns are underrated and feature good barbecue. But still, I like a chance to see Major League Baseball in my town. So I'm going with the Chiefs. Hope we can still be cool, Nashville.
DOLPHINS (-3) over Ravens
Boss: Hey Butch, we're gonna have to move your position from Baltimore to Miami. You're gonna have to move your entire family and start anew in South Florida on the company dime.
Butch: Have I told you how much I love you?
Nikki chose Baltimore.
GIANTS (-11) over 49ers
You see, this is why the Giants and Jets piss me off. I'm through with battling the Jersey/NYC dynamic. From now on, the Jets are assigned to North Jersey and the Giants get New York. And I'd rather live in New York than San Fran. No disrespect to San Fran. Cool town and all that.
Scotty took the Niners.
Cowboys (-7) over RAMS
No comment.
TEXANS (-9.5) over Lions
Let the record show that I would be miserable either way. Houston wins because of climate. And climate alone.
Scotty picked the team from Detroit.
Colts (-1.5) over PACKERS
I've never been to Green Bay so Indy wins by default. Kind of lame but well, the only thing worth going to in Green Bay is always sold out. So fuck ‘em.
Jets (-3) over RAIDERS
Pretty much the same thing as Giants/Niners except a little farther away.
REDSKINS (-7.5) over Browns
If I picked this theme every week, I doubt Cleveland would win a game.
Scotty picked the Browns.
BUCS (-10.5) over Seahawks
Well I mean, I live here.
Broncos (+3.5) over PATRIOTS
Seriously, I mean this isn't much of a decision. Red Sox Nation lives all over America for a reason and it may have something to do with the area in which they lived and left as soon as they could.
Maybe.
Nikki's Bar Douche of the Week
By Nikki the Bartender
This week's douche of the week has developed over the span of almost two weeks. This week's douche goes out to not just one person, or one team, but to an entire city.
Yes, that's right. As a Tampa fan through and through, I have to hand this week's douche award to 99.9% of the fans of the Boston Red Sox it has been my displeasure to meet.
Don't get me wrong, when the Red Sox were vying for the World Series for the first time in a very long time, I was rooting for them. What can I say, I'm a sucker for the underdog. When Curt Schilling pitched with a bloody sock, the inner sports fan and writer in me was overwhelmed with excitement and the hope that the Red Sox could win it all.
Boy how the times have changed.
It's amazing how quickly Sox fans forgot how long their team went without a World Series win. Yes kids, that's right, your team was very bad for a very long time. These same fans are the fans that feel the need to heckle, harass and be down right rude to Tampa fans while residing in the greater Tampa Bay area. They seem to forget the fact that the Tampa Bay Rays have been around for only a little over a decade. Not a hundred years. And in a little over a decade, the franchise has managed to move from being a league joke to a major contender.
To you, the Tampa Bay area Sox douches, the ass-clowns who act like fools, disgracing the very team you root for, I ask you: if you love your team and your town so much, why don't you do us all a favor and move back already. Or have some self-respect and root for your team with a little class. You're starting to make Eagles fans look like angels.
Your Obligatory USF Homerism Meets Scotty the Handicappers Pick of the Week
Scotty's pick is USF to cover 24 over Syracuse.
I'll put up the records when I'm sober enough to count.
Good night, God Bless, Good luck and please point out typos.
I need all the help I can get.