Scotty the Handicapper has taken it on himself recently to give me nicknames (yes, plural) because he said that I go through four stages of me when I drink. Here are those stages:
Normal Nate (or Sober Nate)
Apparently, this guy is really polite and nice and generally caring and understanding. Quite frankly, he's probably the reason I drink in the first place.
Gnat (or Nat)
Somewhere within four to eight shots of rum, I become Nat. Nat apparently is very forward and incredibly annoying… unless he's talking to someone other than you. In which case, I've heard it can be pretty fun to watch.
Drunk Nate
Drunk Nate is usually the stage at which I try to leave the bar. Basically, the name is as it sounds. When I'm Drunk Nate, I'm really drunk. I mean "spilling drinks and blaming other people" drunk. Never pretty. But, if I don't get home during this stage, I expose people to the awesomeness that is…
Nasty Nate
Nasty Nate makes the kind of mistakes that result in bruises, broken bones, Chlamydia and planned parenthood. Nasty Nate is rude to people he respects and loves, disrespectful to women and just generally an asshole. But he always remembers to tip, so even Nasty Nate has his place, I guess.
Anyway, this week the theme I am working to pick them games revolves around nicknames (bet you didn't see that coming). Whichever city has the coolest nickname will win this week, I promise.
As always, I brought Nikki the Bartender and Scotty the Handicapper along, you know, in case you wanted intelligent decisions based on analysis. I know you can be kooky like that.
On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
Raiders (+7) over RAVENS
Oaktown versus Charm City.
At first, you would think that Charm City would be a cooler nickname than Oaktown. And I got to admit, I would rather live in a place called Charm City than a place called Oaktown. But Charm City loses points for being a blatant and cheesy lie, whereas Oaktown seems like the kind of who-cares-about-nicknames nickname that this city would receive if it played baseball in an all NFL cities baseball league.
On an unrelated note, have any of you ever tried peyote?
Nikki and Scotty don't use nicknames to make their picks, so they went the other way.
Cards (+4) over PANTHERS
Valley of the Sun versus Palmetto City
No contest. Valley of the Sun sounds like the title of a Led Zeppelin song. Palmetto City sounds like a city full of plants and bugs, which can't be much of a city, right?
Nikki, the girl who is kicking our asses at the game picking, went the other way on this one, picking the Panthers with the words, "The Panthers will at least get them by a TD, so I take… I always forget how to do this one."
Remind me to go home and rip out my pubic hairs one by one.
Bucs (+2.5) over COWBOYS
The Big Guava versus The Big D
I think it's funny that both cities' nicknames could be interpreted as making references to breasts, but after I finished chuckling, I decided that we can all agree that obscure fruit is way more fun than one letter, especially one I never liked seeing on my papers and tests as a kid.
LIONS (+8) over Redskins
Motown versus Capital City
This was actually a pretty tough one. Capital City sounds like a boring name for a city that is, in fact, America's Capitol City, but it's also the name of a city in "The Simpsons" so it gets bonus points for that. However, Motown is a style of music that doesn't suck. And one awesome television show can't beat out an entire genre of good music, no matter how many times Homer insults Flanders.
Scotty and Nikki are logical and sane people. So they went the other way on this one. I have a method to my madness however because I once shot a physicist. It's a long story.
DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Bills
Little Cuba versus Bison City
There are a lot of alternate nicknames for these two towns, probably because these two nicknames suck. On the one hand, you got a town named after a decrepit communist country, on the other, you got a town named after a lumbering, hairy beast. It was pretty much a push until I asked myself if I'd rather eat a Cuban Sandwich or a hunk of Bison.
Says Nikki, "The Bills will win by at least three so I take…"
"The Bills," I say to the girl who never loses the picks. "The freaking Bills."
Scotty picked the Bills, too.
Rams (+7.5) over PATRIOTS
The Gateway City versus Beantown
I love the fact that St. Louis named itself after the fact that pretty much everyone who moved there during the great expansion era bailed on the town. Still, I mean, Beantown? Your town ain't worth beans… you know, beans, they make you fart… Gotta pick the Lou on this one.
Scotty picked the Patriots.
Saints (+3.5) over Chargers
The Big Easy versus America's Finest City (in the Big Smoke)
No question, here. The Big Easy is a badass nickname. It gets applied to heavy slutty chicks all over this great country.
Side note: apparently, London's nickname is The Big Smoke, probably a reference to their early industrial period or something somewhat educational and not at all interesting.
Scotty picked the Chargers.
Chiefs (+13.5) over JETS
Heart of America versus The Garden State
As I mentioned last week, I got tired of having a New York City/North Jersey explanation for each team that plays in the Meadowlands so I gave NYC the Giants and gave the entire state of Jersey the Jets.
Anyway, let me just go on record as saying that both these names suck.
Calling your town the Heart of America and then producing the world's most un-heart-healthy food is almost as bad as naming your state after a garden and putting Journal Square in it.
Nikki went with the Jets.
EAGLES (-9) over Falcons
The City of Brotherly Love versus The Athens of the South
Wow, now here are some stupid nicknames. On the one hand, you have the birthplace of the constitution naming itself after love instead of war, which is kind of like Jenna Jameson giving herself the nickname, "The Chaste One." But on the other hand, I hate it when cities take their nicknames from European cities like we should be living up to their standards or something.
"Oh really, Atlanta. You say you're just like Athens, Greece except with sweet tea and fried Okra? The fuck you are, Atlanta. The fuck you are."
Nikki took the Falcons.
Browns (+7) over JAGUARS
Mistake on the Lake versus River City
Nothing in life is above being honest. Both of these towns know that, as one is on a river and the other is on a lake. However, when it comes to downright mothergrabbing brutal honesty, well I men, it was definitely Cleveland that added the brutal.
Nikki and Scotty went the other way.
Bengals (+9) over TEXANS
Queen City versus Magnolia City
So Houston gets a nickname that reflects all the trees and flowers it does not have, while Cincinnati gets a nickname that represents the monarchy it does not have.
Umm, I flipped a coin. It came up Bengals.
Nikki and Scotty went Texans.
Giants (+3) over STEELERS
The Big Apple versus Steel City
Two freaking awesome nicknames right here. I mean, when they were handing out nicknames, these cities got some cool ones. I would not be offended to anyone calling me either "Big Apple" or "Steel" as both seem like, I don't know, badass or something. But the Big Apple wins because everyone knows it and no one knows what it means. I like mystique.
Scotty took the Steel City.
NINERS (-5) over Seahawks
Shaky Town versus The Emerald City
In honor of the Grateful Dead, I'm giving it to Shaky Town here.
Oh, and that reminds me, have any of you ever tried Peyote?
TITANS (-3.5) over Colts
Music City versus Naptown
Naptown? Why the hell would you call your town, Naptown? Oh wait. I get it. Because your entire town is boring and sleepy. Well, that makes sense. No wonder, Peyton likes it there so much.
Nikki's Sports Douche of the Week
Douche: Do you actually know what's going on in the game, or do you just cheer when everyone else does?
Nikki: No sweetheart, I actually follow baseball. I know what's going on in the game (note this is said with clenched teeth and doused with sarcasm).
Douche [turns to his friend]: She hasn't got a clue. She's a chick.
Nikki [Noting the douche is foreign]: Wow, you're not one to stereotype, are you (yet again, oozing with sarcasm)? I guess I should be asking where you've hidden your WMD's, I mean, since we're putting it all out there and all.
This is the one and only time I will say this to you all: I have breasts and a vagina. I'm pretty. But I could probably school 99% of the general male population on ANY sport. So be a complete dumbass if you will, but question my knowledge of sports and I'll make you look like today's ass clown. That is all.
Scotty the Handicapper's College Pick of the Week
"My college lock is Vandy -10 at home on homecoming against Duke."