*RING*
Bride of Frankenstein: Hello?
Dracula: Hello, is this Frankenstein?
Bride of Frankenstein: No, this is his wife. May I ask who's calling?
Dracula: It's Dracula.
Bride of Frankenstein: Is this about Renfield? Frankenstein already told you he feels terrible about murdering him.
Dracula: No, that's okay. I was actually planning on murdering him myself. He got a ukulele for his birthday. All day and night…that damn ukulele…it had to end.
Bride of Frankenstein: Well in that case, glad we could help. So, what did you want, Count?
Dracula: Tell me Mrs. Frankenstein, do you know whom you're voting for for county judge district 3 yet?
Bride of Frankenstein: I don't even really know what that is.
Dracula: Well it's a very important elected post.
Bride of Frankenstein: It doesn't sound important.
Dracula: It's very important! A county judge has to use his intellect and sense of decency and fairness to decide important issues facing people's destinies. I have decided to run for this judgeship.
Bride of Frankenstein: Don't you feed off the blood of the living to stay alive?
Dracula: Undead…but that's semantics. I feel like you're splitting hairs, Mrs. Frankenstein.
Bride of Frankenstein: You split a policeman in half last week, Count.
Dracula: I got a speeding ticket. Whose side are you on?
Bride of Frankenstein: Well, you did split him in half.
Dracula: Are you implying something?
Bride of Frankenstein: No, I'm just saying you murdered a police officer. I'm not sure that's the kind of person I want representing me in district 3.
Dracula: Do you know what kind of representatives they have in district 4 and 5?
Bride of Frankenstein: No.
Dracula: Well, I don't know either. That was kind of supposed to be rhetorical…but I bet they're not that great.
Bride of Frankenstein: And your intellect? Didn't you flunk out of the DeVry Institute?
Dracula: I have a bad short-term memory!
Bride of Frankenstein: And didn't you come back after you flunked out and massacre two of your professors?
Dracula: What, are you my biographer?!
Bride of Frankenstein: I just don't think you should be a judge, okay Dracula? It just doesn't seem like a wise thing to do.
Dracula: Can you just put Frankenstein on the phone?
Bride of Frankenstein: He's busy.
Dracula: He is not busy! You just don't like him spending time with me!
Bride of Frankenstein: Yes! Okay, yes! I think you're a bad influence on him. After the last time he hung out with you he came home eating the entrails of his dentist and with a tattoo of Tweety Bird on his ankle. It was horrible…I mean I think Tweety Bird is cute and all, but Frankenstein is not aging well and that tattoo is going to look weird really soon.
Dracula: That tattoo was his idea. I had nothing to do with it.
Bride of Frankenstein: I don't want to hear anymore, Count. I don't like you hanging out with him. The time before he came back with underwear on his head and he smelled like a stripper.
Dracula: And I already told you he just murdered her. Nothing else happened.
Bride of Frankenstein: Well I sure as hell never saw her body or any severed part of her. Just her lingerie! If I had wanted to marry a philanderer I would have married Freddy Krueger. But I didn't. I married good, loyal, faithful Frankie.
Dracula: Yeah, Freddie does have some kind of allure with the ladies. I don't really get it.
Bride of Frankenstein: I've heard it's the finger knives. He's apparently a great back scratcher.
Dracula: Fraulein, we're getting away from the point. I would be an excellent judge. Just let me talk to Frank.
Bride of Frankenstein: Fine! ….Frankie! Frankie! Count Dracula is on the phone for you…. No, I can't…he already knows you're here….
Frankenstein: Hello?
Dracula: Hi, Frankie!
Frankenstein: What is it, Drac? Already told you Renfield mutilated when found him.
Dracula: No, it's not about that. I'm running for office.
Frankenstein: Which?
Dracula: County judge, district 3.
Frankenstein: Frankenstein already promise vote to someone else.
Dracula: Who?
Frankenstein: Igor.
Dracula: What? Igor's running for county judge?
Frankenstein: District 3.
Dracula: Is Igor there, Frankenstein?
Frankenstein: Hold on, Frankenstein check.
Dracula: Wait! Frank! I have to leave for Pilates in a few minutes. You're not going to leave me on the phone forever like last time, are you? Frank?
(30 minutes later)
Dracula: Hello? Is anyone there? I know you can hear me! Fraulein! Fraulein! Pick up the phone, please!
(2 hours later)
Dracula: I'm serious; I'm going to hang up. I will! I promise you. I'm giving it ten more minutes and then I'm hanging up. Well maybe fifteen, but if no one gets on the phone within an hour I'm really going to be upset.
(3 hours later)
Igor: Hello, this is Igor.
Dracula: What took you so long?
Igor: I was watching Gone with the Wind. It's a long movie. Four hours. Inspiring though, inspiring. I never thought of wearing curtains…but now I have to rethink my entire wardrobe. And I love how they had a name for their mansion: Tara; like it was a girl. If I could name my cellar I would call it Igor, ‘cause that's my name.
Dracula: Uh, okay. Frankenstein told me you're running for county judge district 3.
Igor: Yes, that's true. What of it?
Dracula: Well I'm running for county judge district 3.
Igor: Well then I guess you've got some competition.
Dracula: Be prepared for some skewering attack ads coming your way. We all remember the Layton scandal when you happened to go to the same party as a man who once said he'd like to poop on his country. That's unpatriotic! That will resonate with the voters. You'll lose.
Igor: I didn't know that man at the time and I still haven't met him. I didn't even know he was at the party. Over 200 other people were there. You were there too. And didn't you murder some people at that party…and every day. I think that could resonate with the voters too.
Dracula: Touché, Igor. Touché. I'll make you a deal. I'll drop out of the race but you have to do my laundry for a week.
Igor: What?
Dracula: You heard me–a week.
Igor: This resolution feels very "50's sitcom."
Dracula: Got to resolve this in some timely way.
Igor: Why? Couldn't we just run against each other?
Dracula: No! I've had an inferiority complex since childhood and my psychiatrist says competition exacerbates it. So you'll be at my castle to do laundry tomorrow?
Igor: Uh…okay…
Dracula: Remember to separate the whites from the colors. I once washed a red sock with my white clothes. I had to walk around town for days wearing pink. Do you know how humiliating that is?
Igor: I'll…uh…separate them…
Dracula: And remember to use fabric softener. I like to feel snuggly in my clothes.
Igor: Okay…
Dracula: Well, I'll let you go. I'm going to be late for Pilates. Tell Frankenstein no hard feelings about Renfield's murder. He'd been coming on to me a lot lately anyway and that was really freaking me out. I mean I'm not anti-gay or anything. Of course not. It's just…a little uncomfortable. You know what I mean.
Igor: Are we going to talk much when I'm doing your laundry?
Dracula: No, I don't think so. Why?
Igor: No reason. I'll let you go. Bye.
Dracula: Bye.
*CLICK*