- There is dirt everywhere, all the time. At no point is anybody completely clean (not even the rich people). Any “accurate” movie about the Middle Ages must look absolutely filthy.
- Everybody from the poorest serf to the most glamorous king has appalling table manners. Even in the fancy banquet scenes, people chuck bones over their shoulders, beer gets sloshed all over the place, and there is not a napkin in sight. Chivalry and courtly behavior are for those “inaccurate” movies.
- Disease, like dirt, is absolutely everywhere. Black Death and leprosy for everyone!
- One of the Vikings in the movie will eventually make a remark along the lines of, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if we all, oh I don’t know, started wearing horned helmets or something?” (They didn’t, obviously, but it wouldn’t be an “accurate” movie about the Middle Ages if the script didn’t smugly point that out as though historical Vikings thought horned helmets were even an option.)
- Rape is happening all the time. People are ok with it. After all, it was a different time. We’ve come such a long way since the Middle Ages! Things are much better now!
- Either a) someone makes a reference to the Earth being flat; or b) someone who suggests that the Earth might be round is loudly derided and ultimately declared insane. It’s true that the ancient Greeks knew the Earth was round and that this knowledge circulated widely in the Middle Ages, but we can’t let historical facts get in the way of “accuracy” now, can we?
- A monk or nun is doing something nefarious.
- Anybody who dies during the course of the movie does so either because of illness or in a super violent way. Bonus points for “accuracy” are given for any death scenes featuring impalement.
- Nobody is expected to live beyond the age of, like, 30. Any woman who lives past 30 is suspected of witchcraft (unless they’re rich). At least that’s the excuse the producers will give for having cast only one woman older than 30 in this historically “accurate” movie…
- There’s a lot of public urination, defecation, fornication, etc. Nobody bats an eye at any of this. We have to see this at least five times during the movie in order for it to be labelled an “accurate” portrayal of medieval life.
- People are easily astonished and delighted by simple magic tricks like pretending you can separate your thumb from your hand and then reattach it. People were very simple back then, you see.
- Someone somewhere is invoking droit de seigneur, jus primae noctis, or any other famous and totally not-made-up medieval rule that supposedly entitled a lord to sleep with his subjects’ wives on their wedding night. Obviously, this is for reasons of “accuracy” and has nothing to do with the desire to titillate the audience with sexual violence.
- There’s a lot of public humiliation, torture, and execution. People are ok with it. In fact, they think it’s a great form of entertainment and a fun day out for the whole family.
- Since this is an “accurate” movie about the Middle Ages, the only colours you’ll see are different shades of mud-brown. Blue is “muddy blue.” Red is “muddy red.” Purple, however, is purple. Just kidding: it’s “muddy purple.”
- All the wizards, fairies, and elves are white.
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