A few years ago, I was walking down the street in South Tampa with my buddy Big Mike when Derek Jeter walked by. Jeter was dressed in the way only a Florida celebrity can: ridiculously expensive, loose fitting, silk clothes and three hundred dollar leather sandals. His outfit said distinctly: I may not be a formal dresser but I still have a shit ton more money than you do. Of course, I would never have noticed his outfit if Big Mike hadn't heckled him and made him stop in his tracks. His companions, two beautiful women (both brunettes) in tight fitting dresses, drew most of my attention. Hot chicks'll do that.
Anyway, as I was eyeing the chicks, Big Mike looked over to Jeter and said, "Even with all your VD, I'd still trade places with you."
Jeter stopped, looked back at us with an appearance of mild annoyance, like he was getting ready to brush off a fly from his shoulders, when he realized that we call Big Mike "Big" because he's about 6'8" and 290 pounds of muscle and attitude. The girls noticed Big Mike too. So Jeter straightened his eyebrow with his middle finger and went back to his way-too-fucking-awesome life.
"Lucky asshole," said Big Mike.
Now, I've never been a name dropper. I don't care how famous people are or what they do for a living or how rich they are or how they make their money. I'm just not wired like that. Some people live and die by the actions of celebrities but I have to say that my three favorite celebrities remain unknown to me. The guy who invented tailgating, the guy who invented the hamburger and the dude who first thought of putting burlesque dancers on poles are my three favorite men (people?) in history. Those three unknown soldiers have done more for my life than any athlete, musician or actor ever could.
Am I rambling? It feels like I'm rambling.
Anyway, the other day I got a phone call from my buddy, Chode. I hadn't seen him in quite some time and the conversation was predictably mundane. He's married now with two kids. I'm not married or a father so he made the jokes all my friends have become accustomed to making (lines like "I'm sure there's a kid or two out there with blonde hair and a penchant for long winded stories" and "You'd probably find the right girl if you quit hanging out in strip clubs and bars all the time"). We talked about life and the last time we hung out and eventually we switched to sports. Hockey is a favorite of Chode's so we went there first. And as we talked I remembered the Joe Sakic story. And then I realized I never wrote you guys the Joe Sakic story. So I figured, you know what, I'll tell you the Joe Sakic story.
Here's the Joe Sakic story.
Nine or ten years ago, I visited Chode in Denver. For some damn reason or another (totally escapes me at this point) we wound up in a shopping mall. And in this shopping mall, we saw Joe Sakic who, despite being forty now, still plays hockey and has played it well for the majority of his career.
Chode recognized Joe as we walked past him.
"Hey guys," he said to the three of us. "Go up there a ways and then start walking toward Sakic and his girl" (side note: I swear that hockey players only date blondes).
So we walked up a ways and turned back toward Joe. When we got within about eighty feet of Sakic, we heard Chode yell, "Oh my God, I CAN NOT believe this!"
Sakic turned and gave his girlfriend a look that said, "Hey, I'm a celebrity. This kind of stuff happens all the time to me. What can you do?"
Chode then yelled, "Nate, Joe, Creed, Jesus I haven't seen you guys in forever!"
And he walked right by Joe Sakic, who was clearly anticipating an autograph seeker and personal fan, and up to us, who were doing our best to keep from laughing.
And I swear to God, for at least half a second, Sakic's body language dissolved into a pathetic shrug. For that half a second, he was nobody and it was really funny.
In conclusion, fucking with celebrities is fun because they're rich and lucky and their lives rule so they can handle it.
Oh yeah, and I ramble.