« Back to Top Ten Places Sex is Overrated, Part 1
5. While Driving
The movie The Chase comes to mind whenever I think of anyone having sex AND driving. There go Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson barreling down the road being chased by every cop in the world it seems and they simply have no other place to do it than right there in the car going a hundred miles an hour.
Why didn't you get off at that exit?Seriously, the only thing more ridiculous than this is Henry Rollins playing a police officer, for crying out loud. I've seen you people drive and frankly you can't even do it when NOT texting, so what on earth gave you the idea you could actually have SEX while driving?! It's awkward, impossible to control your vehicle, and just shouldn't be even attempted for the sake of every other driver out there.
I wouldn't even suggest "road head" because if it's particularly good then you run the risk of running off the road during the climax. Besides, how would you drive, get a blowjob, AND text all at the same time? Because god forbid you miss a text.
So while all of us have actually heard our significant others scream, "OH! OH! OH! OH! GET OFF AT THE NEXT EXIT!" let's just agree to not get so literal about it while operating a moving vehicle.
4. In the Great Outdoors
Everyone has a "sex in nature" fantasy. Ever try it? Not as natural as you thought, right? Sex in nature is good in primal urge theory but in reality ends up being very different than what you thought. Sharp rocks in your knees/ass, tree bark abrasions, sticks in places there shouldn't be sticks, and bugs—lots and lots of bugs. Even something as simple as a frolic in the grass can be frightfully uncomfortable and off-putting since blades of grass have this way of itching every hair follicle on your body.
"UNLESS… you let me have a go."A blanket can go a LONG way in making your nature romp more enjoyable but then that almost kills the whole going natural, spontaneous, outdoor sex fantasy, doesn't it? Sex in a river or lake is usually cold (one word: shrinkage) and there is that whole water killing the lubrication issue again. Sex in a field is usually insect ridden—ants, bees, mosquitoes, you name it! Something about sticky bodily fluid excites the insect world almost as much as the idea of having sex in nature excites us. Sex in the woods is always fraught with abrasive discomfort, plus there's that uncomfortable moment when that small creeper guy pops up from behind a tree and exclaims, "I'm the Lorax and I speak for the trees, which you seem to be FUCKING ON as much as you please!" Talk about your mood killer!
3. In the Hay
"Hay, let's go in the house instead."I grew up on a five acre farm in Washington state, which means I know a little about boredom, nature, and hay. Hay is not only incredibly itchy, it's also sharp as hell. Having a roll in the hay is about as comfortable as rolling around in shards of glass that have been treated with allergens. Imagine going to your local allergist and getting a scratch test covering your entire body. Even if you aren't allergic to hay (which I am, gee I wonder why) it is also terribly unforgiving when it comes to puncturing your skin. You might as well have sex in a blackberry bush or on a bed of nails.
Furthermore, do you people have any idea what kind of vermin live in a giant pile of hay, inside a barn? Disgusting! If having sex on top of a pile of hay that is sprinkled with rat, mouse, bat, pigeon, and owl shit while being skewered by sharp grass is your idea of a good time, then I say go for it. However, if you absolutely must live out your Teri Garr, Daisy Duke, or whatever farm girl fantasies you may be having, please make sure you pack your EpiPen and disinfectant for your fantasy barnyard adventure.
2. On a Plane
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain heated.The Mile High Club…otherwise known as I've fucked in a honey bucket! Have you ever been in an airplane bathroom? It's a flying porta-potty, nothing more. There's more room in a used coffin than an airplane bathroom and the smell in the used coffin is probably better. Doing the deed at 35,000 feet amounts to playing a game of vertical twister (mostly clothed, mind you, due to time constraints), while both of you are doing your best impressions of a contortionist ninja in a very small box.
(whispering) "You put your left foot on that wall, your right one on the door without opening it. I'll put one foot IN the toilet and the other on the ground. You can rest your ass in the sink, but don't worry, no one EVER uses it to wash their hands. Oh and if you feel an explosive wet feeling, that is more than likely the faucet accidentally turning on and spraying you, because there is no way in hell either one of us will actually enjoy this enough to cum."
Hardly enjoyable to say the least! Furthermore, just before you two made this attempt, the 400-pound guy in seat 27A WRECKED the place with projectile diarrhea. Now the two of you are quite literally doing the nasty in there, just so you can brag about it to your friends? Jesus Christ, people, I've held it on six-hour flights just to avoid that shithole (an accurate description if you think about it).
The only way this isn't completely disgusting and uncomfortable is if you happen to be rich enough to own your own private jet, complete with sleeping quarters. Then you can brag about being part of the Mile High Club with some amount of pride. Otherwise you might as well be bragging about jumping into a porta-potty hole with your partner, because that's all I hear when you talk about it. If you just want to say that you have done it, simply go smoke a bowl and then get laid. Then you can say you got laid while being high as fuck and your sky high sex story will still be somewhat linguistically true. At the very least, you won't be in physical therapy or have hepatitis for the rest of your life.
1. On the Beach
Talk about getting caught in the sand trap…You know how when you go to the beach and lay out that huge blanket ever so carefully so that sand doesn't get anywhere on it? Then one nano-second later that entire blanket seems to be covered in sand? Well that's just the start of your beach fantasy, a nice bed of sandpaper.
To say that this sexual adventure is going to be rough is the understatement of the year. Sand has this amazing way of getting everywhere, and as soon as you throw bodily fluids into the mix then PRESTO you instantly turn into a giant piece of coarse grit sandpaper. Actually, I suggest building up to your beach romp by heading over to Home Depot and picking up some actual coarse grit sandpaper and switching it with your toilet paper for a few weeks. That way you might just build up enough scar tissue to be ready for sex on the beach, otherwise known as "turning your skin into bloody hamburger."
The best is when women want to do it in the actual surf! I think this is every girl's chick flick fantasy, at least from what I've been told. To which I always reply, "Have you ever had your vagina sand blasted before while someone was trying to drown you?"
Yes people, I am a dream killer, it's just what I do. Did I mention that sand gets EVERYWHERE?! Hell, you can't even keep it off of a towel or blanket that you put down for a picnic at the beach, so what makes you think you can keep it out of your crotch in the surf? Unless you have some desire to build a well-packed sand castle in your uterus then you're better off, ladies, just waiting until you get back to the beach house for your sexual notion at the ocean. Incidentally, there is a word for having sex in the surf: it's called DROWNING! It's almost like you ladies have never actually been to the ocean before. The break of the waves are constantly changing, so lying in one place is not only impossible due to the tidal current, but you are quite literally having sand deposited everywhere imaginable. Beaches are deposition landforms, meaning the actual sand is being deposited onto the beach by the water. Now imagine thrusting large amounts of that sand inside you while drowning, and there you have it.
Sex on the beach, in the surf! Anytime anyone tells me they've had sex in the surf, my first thought is that the guy is a premature ejaculator. I mean, come on, you tell me? Just how quick do you have to be to have sex in the surf, which is ever changing, and not drown or be dragged out to sea before the woman calls out, "Okay fuck this! This is NOT what I had in mind!" Like a jackrabbit on speed, that's how quick! Was being fucked by a jackrabbit on speed while having sand stuffed into you like a taxidermy trophy and being drowned REALLY your number one fantasy? I know that mine certainly wasn't having all the skin violently sanded off my penis while inhaling large amounts of salt water before being eaten by a shark that was attracted to all the blood in the water.