I'm in a serious relationship. I can say that honestly and with uncrossed fingers because in the last four months I have a) taken the Woman home to meet the parents and b) missed many a football game.
Now fortunately for me I'm a Bucs fan, which, this year, is like cheering for a rotting vegetable. ("Come on green beans. Don't let that cabbage rot first. The cabbage always rots first. You can do it, green beans." Yes, I am weird.)
One Sunday, the Bucs first game against the Panthers in which the home team lost a heartbreaker, I took my woman to the zoo. During the Florida/Alabama game, I was at her office Christmas party. She literally tried to rape me during the awesomeness that was the Green Bay packers/Arizona Cardinals shootout (my will and alcohol-induced laziness managed to win that round in case you're keeping score). My point: I'm committed to this woman. My next point: I'm gonna watch all the football I want this weekend.
Now, I'm a big believer that, all in all and no matter what happens, as the poet once wrote, "It is a peaceful and undemanding planet, even here." And sometimes things just work themselves out.
The woman works in IT. Her company operates daily from nine in the morning to around midnight and they needed someone to go from the weekday afternoon shift to the weekend night shift for just two weekends (something about training—I wasn't really listening). Those working weekends occur this weekend and the weekend of the AFC/NFC championship games. She volunteered because it meant a few extra days off and we've got some trips planned (yes, I know, I'm whipped—thanks for noticing). Anyway, her decision prompted the following exchange:
Woman: Baby, I'm not gonna see you for two weekends.
Me: Which weekends?
Woman: Uh, the weekends of the 16th and 23rd.
Me: Those are playoff football weekends.
Woman: So what? While I'm at work you're just gonna sit around in your underwear drinking beer from cans and watching football.
Me: Oh god yes.
Woman: Well I'm glad it worked out for everybody.
Now, do I believe for one second that my woman is happy that I have something fun to do while she works her two weekends? Hell no. Do I care? Absolutely not. She's working regardless of what I do so how she feels could only be more irrelevant if her feelings were printed on a Hyper Color T-shirt.
And so in honor of the fact that this will be the first time in this entire football season that I feel like a single man living a single life, I have decided to offer my football picks for this weekend's games. It's the little things that make me awesome. Just ask the Woman.
Or better yet, leave her alone. She's got work.
On to the games. HOME TEAMS IN CAPS.
Cardinals (+7) over SAINTS
The over/under on this game is 57. Take the over. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. The over/under could be ninety and I'd take it. I'm pretty sure this over/under is actually part of the Obama stimulus plan. It's free money! Take it!
As for the winner: I have no idea. The Saints are the better football team, they've got a little bit stronger defense and their offense is ranked higher than the Cardinals. But when I watched the Cardinals play last week I saw touchdown catches by two guys I never heard of. When Kurt Warner is throwing multiple TD passes to no-names, you simply don't bet against him. In fact, if that rule's not in the Bible then it's probably in a Gnostic scroll or something.
COLTS (-6.5) over Ravens
This is the easiest pick in the universe. Which is why it scares the hell out of me. Look, I'm not betting against Peyton Manning. I think he's part robot. And there's no way in hell I'm betting against a Brian Billick team: dude won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer under center so Joe Flacco's sophomore-year brand of suck is really no big deal. Simply put: you would have to be an A class idiot to put money on this game.
/Lays $50 on the Colts.
Oh and by the way, if one more stupid scribe writes about how Indy screwed themselves by not playing for that perfect season and how they may have destroyed the hopes of their fans by doing so, I am gonna start writing angry letters to random television executives and then paste them together on a blog I'll call "Stop the Cliché Madness." I mean seriously, 19-0 is just a number. Look at Demi Moore. You can call her fifty years old or twenty years old and I'm still boning her either way. This Colts team is talented and they're most likely gonna win this game. No matter what their record is.
So there.
VIKINGS (-2.5) over Cowoys
Check out my new song. I call it: The Romo Choke.
It's time for the Romo choke,
Time for the Romo choke,
Kick back with a rum and coke
And we'll all watch the Romo choke
Oh he'll have the game close
Near the end
The fan-based happiness
Will begin
And we'll all sing a song
A song of freedom
As America's team gets one step closer
To their super-divine kingdom
And then…
We'll all watch the Romo choke
All watch the Romo choke
Everyone'll watch the Romo choke
Even that Jessica Simpson joke
Will sit back and watch the—
Oh you know she'll be watching the
Romo choke…
(refrain)
And the Favre lives on
To the delight of the booth coasters
And their Favre-ons
Yes the Favre lives on
And nothing can be done
Cuz the world is a cruel place
Sometimes devoid of hope
A lesson all Cowboy fans know too well
When they kick back
With a Jack and a Coke
And watch the penultimate
Romo choke.
(Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Please tip your waitresses.)
Jets (+7) over CHARGERS
In Atlantic City last June, I told a group of Jersey boys that that the Jets will make the AFC championship. They all said I was wrong. And they said it in ways that varied from mildly insulting to downright filthy. If they beat the Chargers, I get to call up the 973 and the 212 and lay some serious smack talk on some brown haired drunks. And that's always worth a pick.
As you can tell, analysis is very important.
For me to poop on.
(Sorry, I couldn't resist. We'll miss you Conan. Raw deal, Ginger Man. Raw deal.)
Follow my tweets during the game. I'll be alone and without pants. What more could you want?