Like I have done before and as the Lord decrees, I will now offer the world another live blog of the Pro Bowl. I first must get beer and then second I must set up my computer and then third I will be back to once again chronicle the experience of the most useless, unnecessary and least entertaining NFL event known to man.
Come along for the ride. Or don't. See if I give a shit.
Be back in a few.
11:56
The woman is over. She wants to watch Twin Peaks. Naturally I said, no. Naturally we're wathcing Twin Peaks.
11:57
I bought three kinds of Woman Beer for this: green apple, apple, and pear. My girl's birthday was Friday and I'm trying to be a good guy. Vegas has placed the over/under on her abrupt exit at 4:00 PM. Also, the odds on her calling me a dork today are 10-1 in favor. I'd say that's free money.
12:03 PM
Exact quote from The Woman, "You're starting this five hours before the pregame show? You are such a dork."
Vegas has taken the dork line off the boards. Told you to cash in.
12:07
Ahh, Woodchuck Amber Cider. Tastes like cheerleader sweat.
12:25
Saw the first Pro Bowl advertisement of my Sunday. It's official. The game no one wants to play in is about to begin.
Woo freaking hoo!
1:16
My girl just forced me to update the photos and profile pic in my facebook page. You cannot get an IT girl off your computer no matter how hard you try. A lesson I learned too late.
While on Facebook, apparently a reader named Torrey just IM'd me to let me know that she enjoyed my article on what makes a girl a whore. Not sure which one that was. That's a popular topic here on PIC.
Anyway, we're watching the Winter X games which is actually too awesome to openly mock.
Be back in a few.
1:24
My woman's computer pestring has gotten out of hand. I just handed her my Google phone which will be playing the role of Methadone to her Heroin.
1:33
I'm on beer two. I pray I have not pre-gamed too soon.
1:39
Only in X Games can a guy with dreadlocks deliver a medical report. I love America sometimes. Sometimes I really do.
1:46
Programming in the DeGraaf apartment just swithced to Fletch. Who doesn't love Fletch?
2:15
Handing My Woman that phone was like turning on a four year old's favorite cartoon. The first words she said to me after thirty minutes were, "I am now a god to my people." I'm pretty sure she's playing a game on the phone. Or at least that's what I hope…
2:17
The Woman just said, "I didn't get a mate." I really hope it's a game.
2:19
"He is actually six five, With the afro, six nine." I love Fletch.
"It's all ball bearings nowadays!"
3:11
The woman just left. If you had the under, you win. And I know it's nothing that you win but it's also nothing that I get paid. Here at PIC, we're all for the sport of it.
And the drinking. Oh, and by the by I'm on beer four. This will not end well.
3:17
"Don't ever call me Irwin." I think that's a line we can all get behind. Even those of us who happen to be named Irwin.
3:21
Life is good. Got a chicken breast on the Foreman, beer in the fridge and Fletch ended just in time for me to catch the tail end of Running Man. All of this, I think we can all agree, honors the rerturn of the Pro Bowl to Miami. And if we cannot agree, then we will agree not to gouge each other's eyes out over it. Because that's just mean.
3:28
There are those that say that one should not drink before liveblogging. And I wholeheartedly agree in most cases But then I ask, "What if someone is liveblogging about something shitty, like the Pro Bowl?" And the only answer I can come up with is, "You'd have to be drunk to watch that anyway so what's it matter?
Answer: Nothing. It matters nothing. In a related story, I'm on beer five.
3:32
I know it's a statement about a fascist regime and all that, but I would love to be able to watch a show like The Running Man on a weekly basis. Imagine rooting for murder. The Romans really did know what they were doing. For a little while anyway.
3:53
I want to take this opportunity to aplogize to everyone for not answering emails for like a year or so. I now have the internet on my phone and therefore will have ample opportuinity to explain why I'm not writing a "Top Five Ways to Talk a Chick Into Anal" column, as good as that premise may be.
3:57
There's something about snowboarding that makes me want to smoke pot.
4:23
From NFL.com:
The following player will not play in the Pro Bowl because of unexcused absences from practice: Bryant McKinnie, Vikings.
The following players will not play in the Pro Bowl because of injury: Philip Rivers, Chargers; Tom Brady, Patriots; Wes Welker, Patriots; Jake Long, Dolphins; Brian Cushing, Texans; Jairus Byrd, Bills; Nate Kaeding, Chargers; Brett Favre, Vikings; Steven Jackson, Rams; Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals; Sidney Rice, Vikings; Andre Gurode, Cowboys; Kevin Williams, Vikings; Lance Briggs, Bears; Charles Woodson, Packers; Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Cardinals; Patrick Willis, 49ers.
Super Bowl participants who won't play in the Pro Bowl: Peyton Manning, Colts; Reggie Wayne, Colts; Dallas Clark, Colts; Jeff Saturday, Colts; Dwight Freeney, Colts; Robert Mathis, Colts; Antoine Bethea, Colts; Drew Brees, Saints; Jonathan Stinchcomb, Saints; Jahri Evans, Saints; Jonathan Goodwin, Saints; Jonathan Vilma, Saints; Darren Sharper, Saints; Roman Harper, Saints.
Great idea playing the game before the Super Bowl. Super Bowl players never end up in the Pro Bowl. This game is gonna be a unique brand of suck.
5:21
Alright, here it is. The Pro Bowl Pre Game show is a mere nine minutes away. We're coming to you live from the DeGraaf apartment. We're joined by eleven fruit beers of different varieties, a pile of dirty laundry and a half a pack of cigarettes.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em people. We're getting ready to kick this action into second gear.
Hold on to your knickers. There's some seriously boring stuff ahead…
5:24
Just popped beer number six. I like popping things. I'm a popper. I do the pop in, I like the Pop and Son's Diner, and I will pop you if you say I'm too drunk to do this.
Even though I may be too drunk to do this.
5:27
Quote from the Winter X Games: "That trick was giving me a hard time so it was nice to stomp it." I know how you feel brah. Totally.
5:30
Oh yeah, I forgot, the name of this stadium hosting the pro bowl is now Sun Life Stadium. They changed that last week or something. And I don't even care to know what its most recent name was. I love living on a marketed planet. The apathy reigns supreme.
5:32
A camera caught Tony Romo in warm ups. You won't believe this but he was smiling. Sports writers write about that all the time. The stories basically add up to: "Tony Romo is happy to be a young, millionaire, single QB in the NFL." Each time I read a version of that story I am so shocked, I need tens of seconds to contain my emotion.
5:34
Chris Carter expects me to believe that he focused in Pro Bowl games. Not buying it.
5:36
Oh, in case you didn't know, this is the first year in a long time that the Pro Bowl was not held in Hawaii, and that probably pisses off Hawaii.
5:37
ESPN will soon bring us the top ‘C'mon Man's of the season. Someone got paid to come up with that title. And ten percent of the country is out of work. I wish I knew who to blame for this.
5:42
Chris Berman's facial expressions always say to me, "I am better than this." I'm not sure how I feel about that.
5:43
Dwight Freeney has a torn ligament in his ankle. In a related story, my stomach is bothering me a little.
5:44
Keyshawn just said that you need to outscore QB Peyton Manning to beat the Colts in the Super Bowl. How dumb do they think we are? Really dumb? Like drooling idiot style stupid? How do they measure it? I'm curious.
5:47
Matt Schaub is a starter. And he had a great year. But Drew Breese, Brett Favre and Peyton Manning are all missing this thing. As a way to showcase the stars, this week-before-the-big-game thing is failing miserably.
5:50
Kurt Warner announced his retirment from his weird ass career. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up on the news three years from now for saving Tim Tebow's life on some kind of mission trip. Seriously, I think that story is highly likely. And I'm half drunk. So I must know what I'm talking about.
5:53
Did you know that Kurt Warner once bagged groceries? Tom Jackson does. What a scoop (they're not even trying anymore, I swear).
5:54
I am so looking forward to the Matt Leinart era.
5:57
Chris Berman referred to the NFL draft as the d-word, as if it shouldn't have been said, after ESPN just showed us three minutes of film on possible NFL draft picks. Has there ever been a good pre game show for the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE?
5:59
Donovan McNabb just freaked out a little. That was a cool way to end an interview. He yelled, "No more questions" like he was some high pitched dude being interrogated. That was fun.
6:01
The great thing about liveblogging a pre game show is that no one cares about pre game shows. So you can pop out for five minutes. See you in a bit.
6:09
Something called the Alouettes won something called the Grey Cup. And apparently ESPN has three "Come On Man" bits and I have to admit, they're kind of funny. But I still hate that title.
6:16
Ray Lewis just promised me that Ed will always be Ed. That's reassuring. Too many people change their names nowadays.
6:26
Seriously? To beat a particular team in football you have to stop the run, stuff them on first down and prevent big plays? That's analysis? Why am I subjecting myself to this? What else is on?
6:31
I'm abandoning the pre game show in the interest of sanity. I am now toggling between Independence Day and The Matrix. At least I read a book this weekend, right?
6:43
I have never been to an oracle. And that kind of bothers me a little.
6:49
Back with the pre game show and guess what? They're talking about Favre. And guess what else? He's not sure if he'll retire. I've really come to loathe him. And I've never even met him. That is so wrong.
6:51
Rex Ryan flipped off the Miami fans before the game today! How can you not love that man? If he was a player he'd be an asshole, but as a coach… well yeah he's still an asshole. But it's way funnier.
6:52
Not for nothing, but I'm starting beer eight. We're not even at kickoff yet and the keyboard already feels disagreeable. I know I typed it earlier but this will not end well.
6:57
ESPN's analysts just got their balls washed. We got to see the Pro Bowl Highlights of Keyshawn, Ditka and Chris Carter from back when they played. That was unnecessary. I wish it had never happened.
6:58
It's the MNF crew! I have not heard a word they've said all season. I watch my Monday Night Football in loud, music-playing bars. I don't know what to expect here. And yet I still have low expectations.
6:59
It looks like the folks at Sun Life Stadium are smart enough to jam music over the voices of all these idiots. Good call? Awesome call? Best call ever? Best call ever.
7:01
To those in Europe denied access to the ESPN NFL Countdown to the Pro Bowl, I feel your pain. I spent a summer in Europe and missed out on a ton of baseball. But really, you are not missing much. I wouldn't even subject myself to this pre game show if it wasn't for the liveblog. And even then I took a break. Sometimes I would rather urinate on a midget than listen to these tools.
7:06
I want to get rid of the Super Bowl bye week. It's a product of 9/11 and it creates this unnecessary drop in football fan momentum. Where can I go to vote for this?
7:08
The decision to drown out these tools with music is the opposite of disheartening. It is heartening. it was a heartening decision and I am heartened by it. You can't see it but I'm smiling now.
7:10
"And now," Booms the PA announcer, "Some really good players who will not be playing in this because they're going to the Super Bowl. Hope your ticket wasn't too expensive, sports fans."
7:14
If someone got shot in Sun Life stadium or if the players like proved to be the kind of people who shot each other, how long until a member of the media would nickname Sun Life Stadium, "Thug Life Stadium"? One minute? Twenty seconds. I mean, it's a given, right?
7:20
Quick activity for you. Make a list of five things less exciting than an all star game line-up introduction. It may be harder than you think.
7:23
Mike Tirico kicks off his Pro Bowl broadcast by mentioning the Super Bowl in his first four sentences. No one, and I mean no one, gives a crap about the Pro Bowl. Even the guys who announce it. Though I'll bet Gruden's pumped.
7:24
Gruden just told me that thirty rookies are in this Pro Bowl! Jeebus this game is gonna suck.
Jaworski just used nine football cliches in one sentence while taking zero breaths. Good work by him. He went belly to belly in the trenches.
7:27
No shit? Honors Society is honoring us with the singing of our national anthem? Seriously? I think even the planners of this damn thing have a sense of humor about it.
7:30
I have seen two Valentine's Day gift advertisements in the last three minutes. And I'm not happy about it. Not one bit.
7:35
One minute before kickoff and the Woman calls. I swear, they're all about the timing.
7:36
Has there ever been a player you didn't want to get the ball to "in space"? I mean is any coach saying, "try to make sure your reciever is covered before you throw to him"? ‘Cause I doubt it.
7:37
London Fletcher seems very happy to be here.
7:38
Schaub to Andre Johnson. Touchdown! And the shoot out begins. And by the way, if Nate Kaeding is actually injured then I can heal the sick with my balls.
7:41
And it's Aaron Rodgers Pro Bowl debut. I wonder how he'll play with an actual offensive line.
7:42
His first reciever, Miles Austin, slips and falls after the catch. The NFC everybody! Give it a big pat on the ass.
7:42
Rodgers drops a sweet pass to Vernon Davis, probably because I made that NFC crack. Rodgers is sensitive.
7:44
The first rush of the game, and the ninth play, is to Adrien Peterson. Who did not fumble.
7:44
And the AFC gets the NFC to fourth and six. Time for the pro bowl kicker, David Akers, who nailed it from 47 out and then went back to being ignored by his teammates.
7:47
Wade Phillips is here. Hey and so's Norv Turner. These guys won jack shit this year and they're coaching the Pro Bowl! This new calendar slot rocks!
7:50
Schaub and Johnson. Like Kibbles and bits but better. Nice completion again. Although it helped that no one on the NFC squad is worrying about covering Johnson.
7:51
And a little option play gives all the announcers chuckle boners. Tools.
7:52
Schaub is tearing it up. This time to Brandon Marshall with a touchdown. This could very well be a beat down… a really boring beat down.
7:56
I believe what the NFC is doing here is called "chipping away." That's a way of saying that they have to play it safe 'cause they suck.
7:58
Time for the third down conversion attempt. This seperates the touchdown from the field goal attempt.
7:59
First down. Woo freaking hoo!
8:00
Wow. Rodgers uncorked it. That's a freaking Pro Bowl bomb right there. I'll bet Gruden just came. Touchdown. 14-10 AFC. Steve Smith with the catch. And I will not make a joke about punching people right now because it's old. And too easy. And I'm lazy.
8:06
Vince Young is here. And he throws a little out to Ray Rice, who falls down. Are these guys drunk?
8:09
Young follows an interception with a little pass that forces the NFC to 4th and 7 from midefield. Punt time! Shayne the kicker is out to punt. I remember him from previous Pro Bowls. He's the guy with the extra y. Anyway nice punt, Shayne. Your parents were dicks.
8:10
Rodgers to Whitten. That completion was very white. 1st down.
8:11
Rodgers follows a 6 yard pass with a trick play to DeSean Jackson who over threw his man because he is not a quarterback.
8:13
And Rodgers is sacked by Mario Williams. I love a Pro Bowl sack. It's like finding extra fries in your bag after you go through the drive thru.
8:16
1st and ten and another incompletion for Rodgers. And Ray Lewis is talking loudly. He's trying to change his style a little. Very little.
Jon Gruden nicknamed Ray Lewis "The Master of Disaster." Who in the holy hell gave Gruden the right to nickname people? And who let it continue? Some people should be fired.
8:18
Rodgers 1st and 10 in the red zone and he nails a nice eight yard pass which is followed by a stuffing of a Panther running back and is topped off with a touchdown pass to DeSean Jackson (who is a reciever) on third and three. 17-14 NFC. I am a twitter you hear me? A fucking twitter.
8:23
AFC kicksoff and I go for a clementine. You gotta love fruit that comes in boxes.
8:24
DeSean Jackson just became the third player tonight to tell a sideline reporter that he's having fun at the Pro Bowl. Insight galore from this crew. It's like looking at the games through a spit covered magnifying glass.
8:25
Ray Rice with a 23 yard run. The AFC is clearly miffed.
8:27
Vince Young ran the ball on third down and took a hell of a shot to the neck. Oh, and Gruden wants them to mic Jaws, who is announcing this game. Idiot.
8:28
The AFC goes for it on fourth and one and it pays. Gregg Easterbrook will be happy.
8:30
3rd and 5 from the twelve yard line and Vince Young throws it to the turf, who doesn't play for anyone. Fied goal time. Dave Carpenter nails it because Nate Kaeding is sitting at home with a case of being a little bitch.
8:33
How do you think sports writers feel about the Samoan influx in the NFL? I'll bet they spell check a lot.
8:38
After two incompletions QB Donovan McNabb runs for the first down while waving the ball around like an idiot. I love the Pro Bowl sometimes. Sometimes I really do.
8:39
Interception run back for a TD called back for a couple of penalties and we will replay first down. Sports can be anticlimactic sometimes.
8:41
More sideline interviews! Yeah! Watching the game is annoying anyway.
8:45
70,600 people turned out fo this! Holy crap. I had no idea Miami had gotten so boring. Did Pro Bowl tickets come with Super Bowl tickets or something. I am shocked.
8:48
David Garrard is coming. Woo hoo! If you need proof that we're missing too many super stars this Pro Bowl, you need only note the presence of David Garrard. I'm not even sure if I spelled his name right. And I'm not lookingit up. So there.
By the way, we hit and passed the two minute warning. Almost halfway home! It's 17-17 and no one really cares. Get pumped!
8:49
Garrard to Osgood and it's a good first down. (I'm Rick Reilly and I'll be here all week.)
Wow. Garrard just took a shot at the end zone and missed and I could actually hear the crowd. I gotta say, none of the Hawaii games featued actual crowds. Maybe this move was a good idea.
8:50
3rd and ten, Garrard going to prove what he's made of… And apparently he is not made of first downs.
8:51
Going for it on fourth and 8, the NFC decides to take a time out. Good call.
8:52
And Garrard gives it back with 54 seconds left. I'm all for kneeling on it and going in tied at the half. But then again, I really just want a chance to cook some food. These liveblogs are kinda time consuming,
9:06
Peyton Manning's talking. I fell asleep, It's still tied though. Time for beer eleven.
9:15
And the NFC recieves the ball before my meat finishes cooking. Oh, this is a disaster.
9:17
Wow, DeSean Jackson just ran fifty yards after the catch for a TD. That dude is fast. No lie.
24-17 NFC in the lead.
9:22
Garrard to Jackson with the answer. And we're tied again. Time to eat.
Mmm… Ribeye…
9:26
Wait. What the hell did I just witness? Dawkins intercepted McNabb and then lateraled to Champ Bailety who… you know I don't know what happened. But everyone's sure it's AFC ball. Weird play.
9:30
This game is such a spectacle, they are openly allowing the broadcast of the plays from coach to QB on television.
9:31
And an unsportsman like contact call on the NFC gets the AFC near the end zone. And congratulations to Phillip and Tiffany Rivers on their fifth child–and touchdown Maurince Jones Drew.
What was I saying aboiut a child?
Eh, who cares. It's 31 – 24 AFC.
9:38
i think one of the sideline chicks just called Jared Allen hot. On a related note, I'm not really paying all that much attention any more. Time for beer thirteen.
9:46
I fell asleep again. I think that the AFC is up by ten and it's Romo's chance to come in and screw up again or something. I'm fading fast.
9:49
Nice montage of Tony Romo enjoying himself. He smiles alot. Did you know that?
9:53
Romo marches the NFC down the field and then gives up the rock to DeAngelo Williams on the rush for the TD and the AFC is up by three 34-31 and I just gotta say, these announcers aren't even announcing anymore. It's just three guys bullshitting about a game they're watching. Three boring guys.
10:04
Asante Samuels intercepts the AFC and then does us all a favor and plays air guitar. Thanks Asante. Thanks so much.
10:10
David Akers just tied the game with a field goal. The world yawns in response. I pop beer 14. So… sleepy…
10:24
Chris Johnson scored. It's 40-34 AFC. Gruden said that 14.6 yards per reception is "unheard of for a tight end." I don't think he knows what words mean. How the hell is he announcing while Brad Childress still coaches?
10:28
Suzy Kolber just referred to Vince Young's year as "story book." He spent the first six games on the bench and didn't make the playoffs. That story kind of sucked.
10:29
Wait. Frank Gore is here? Wow. Is my little brother playing wideout? Jeebus, this game is lacking,
10:31
Wow. No wonder Romo's smiling. Dude just charmed his way out of a sack. Duerville (sp?) totally let him go. That was nice.
10:32
Romo hits Miles Austin for a first down. They're on the same team in real life, too. So it's a really special first down.
10:33
Romo just clanked a pass off a defender's feet. Smile that one off, Tony. Just smile it away.
10:34
Interception! And the Romo choke continues into the Pro Bowl. That's probably the game. The AFC has a seven point lead with 2:13 to play.
10:36
Two minute warning. We. Are. Almost. Home.
10:39
Jaws and Gruden are making me dumber. The beer's not helping either.
10:40
Schaub wants a measurement after his 3rd and 3 slant to Vincent Jackson.
Over their speakers, the coaches all sound like the robot in Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back that found the rebel base on Hoth.
Wow, I can't belive I made that reference.
10:42
Schaub with the keeper on fourh and inches and…. I'm gonna pass out.
And he gets it. The AFC wins 41-34 as Romo chokes away another game.
G'night everybody.