10. Ice Headband
It's like a cold shower, for your skull. Just pop this fucker in the freezer and wear it when you're hungover. Instant cure!
9. Twitter Butt Plug
For the ultimate in 140 character stimulation.Do you get worried you won't know how Snooki feels about her day? Or how Gary Busey feels about raping Olivia Munn? Or how I feel about my dogs' farts? But you're finding it impossible to check your phone, computer, and friends every waking second? Just stuff the Twitter Butt Plug up your rectum, and every time one of your friends tweets, a sharp needle will pop out of the Twitter Butt Plug and into your anus, causing excruciating pain, but also assuring you that your favorite Jersey Shore stars are really interested in "Politics and stuff."
8. Fake ID Fabricator
Because seriously, who expects you not to drink you're first three years of college?
7. Balls Button
Balls: That was easy!Are you sick and tired of hearing all the "cool" kids doing badass shit? But you're too much of a pussy? Get a Balls Button injector implanted on your skull. Some asshole bumps into you in the halls. Push the Balls Button and instantly you'll find yourself doing that twitchy thing pissed-off Mexicans do when they're angry and find yourself saying, "Watch it, puto. Don't you know I'm loco." Or, perhaps you disappointed your girlfriend in bed. Again. Push the Balls Button, roll over, look her in the eyes, and sincerely say, "I don't really give a fuck about your orgasm. You have a vibrator, don't you? So use it and shut the fuck up. But get off in the bathroom. I'm trying to sleep here."
6. Porn Alert Messenger
Every time somebody you went to high school with is in a porn, you receive plenty of photos, videos, and e-mails about the perpetrator. Wait, fuck. Court already invented that. Nevermind.
5. Instant Fight Stats iPhone App
"This d-bag is way too much talk, but he's also all walk. Pull out your brass knuckles or walk away."You're walking around and some guy gets up in your grill. He's the kind of asshole who spits when he talks and says, "You're all up ons in mah grill!" You don't like people that close to your grill. But you also don't like getting your ass kicked. No problem! Pull out your phone, scan the barcode on the d-bag's forehead, and check out his fight stats. It will have his height, weight, reach, and win/loss record since eighth grade. Instant Fight Stats will even predict if you'll win or not. And chances are, if you carry an iPhone, you're not winning shit.
4. Asshole Alert Door Lock
Ever wonder, "Do I look like an asshole?" but don't have a sober or unbiased judge? Just buy this handy dandy little tool and hang it on the door to your dorm, apartment, or house. It will instantly lock and refuse to let you exit until you fix whatever is making you look like an asshole. Could it be the Affliction/Ed Hardy/No Fear t-shirt? Or perhaps the tiger stripes you've shaved into your pubes? Or maybe you're plainly and simply just a fucking asshole. Works the opposite for women! Put the Asshole Alert Door Lock on the entrance of your door and it won't open if your hookup is an asshole. Coming Soon: Total Fucking Bitch Alert Door Lock.
3. Emergency Beacon Walk of Shame Helper
Sorry ladies, daytime emergencies are reserved for men only.So it's 10:30 a.m. On a Sunday. You're only dressed in lime green hotpants, hooker boots, a tiara, and a pink shirt with glittery letters that read "WHORE." And you're a dude. And you need to leave the sperm whale's house before she wants seconds. Or thirds. But your friends don't wake up until noon. And you think your one night stand (maybe she's more of a one night podium?) ate your wallet. Well, fear not, you cross-dressing STD-fest!
Walk to the nearest emergency beacon: you know, for girls when some creepy janitor follows them around or for the high school kids to yell, "My emergency is, Tommy is a faggot!" Find the Emergency Walk of Shame Helper Button. Insert your measurements and out pops one of three outfits: 1. Nice polo and khakis so you can explain to your girlfriend, "I just got home from church! Boy does the Lord love me today!" 2. T-shirt and sweats: "Boy, studying at the library in the morning sure is quiet and productive! Gee whiz do I love you!" 3. Camel hair suit: "I'm so sorry. I fucked another fat chick. To make it up to you, I'll wear this camel hair suit. 4. S&M stuff: "Remember when you said you wanted to experiment and I decided I wanted to go out and drink with my friends? Well, now I'm into it." Look for these at a campus near you.
2. NRB Saver
Do you ever get no-reason boners (NRBs) during history class? But then on Whiskey Wednesday you can't get an erection to save your life? Just keep the handy dandy NRB Saver in your pocket, and instead of wasting that boner, save it for later! Then when you're having trouble trying to remember how to take off your pants, just hit the "release button" and watch your manhood rise! Or don't watch, that might make the spins come. But you'll never be without a woodie again! Or, get rid of unwanted hot rods like: at children's functions, the locker room (unless you're gay, then boners are pretty cool I guess), the hospital while you have a catheter, when your roommate walks in and you're watching monkey porn…the list goes on and on. And so will your boners!
1. Real Life Cliffs Notes for Everyday Use
Because your girlfriend doesn't know what "concise" means and that toolbag doesn't know you don't care.Holy shit, that asshole is still talking about how he fucked that one really hot girl? Or that chick won't shut up about how bad her PMS is this month? Well, don't be a fool and waste all your school! Pick up Real Life Cliffs Notes! Instead of listening to the odds, ends, sounds, and colors of some asshole's coitus story, just pick up the Cliffs Notes. Then you can read, "Oh, he fucked her." The PMS experience? "Wow, your stomach really hurts, you want some chocolate, and you think your fuck buddy might not want to bang you tonight." Great! Now you can get along with your day and your life!