Oh my God, England? Is that you? It’s the U.S.
Yeah, it’s been forever! You look great. It’s crazy bumping into you here at Buckingham Palace, of all places. I think I sent you a DM on Facebook Messenger letting you know I’d be here but maybe you missed it. I’m actually here to relax on a little election-moon—you know, take my mind off the whole “future of democracy” thing. After this, campaigning really ramps up.
It blows my mind that we used to be one country, isn’t that wild?
But enough about me. Tell me what have you been up to? It looks like you’ve done really well for yourself. I saw on your TikTok that you got a new king recently. Congratulations! We might be getting a new leader too, actually. He might be in jail when he takes office so that’s kinda cool. We’re going for a really modern and progressive approach to leadership, yeah. Anyway, about King Charles, congrats again. He’s only 75, right? Super fresh, hip and modern.
Oh, and I’ve been loving your foodie Instagram too. That post you made last week with the beans on toast, oh my god. I was literally drooling when I saw that. What restaurant were you at?
Wait, stop. Shut up. You’re telling me you made it yourself at home? You’re joking! That’s bonkers, you’re such a good chef. Our burgers, fries, and apple pies are just plain dodgy compared to the complex, bold flavors of your cuisine of steak and kidney pie, and liver and onions. Yummy.
Can I say something? Sometimes when I’m missing you, I go to Long John Silver’s for some fish and chips, but it’s not the same.
It’s so funny running into you because I was actually reminded of you recently! I was watching soccer—I mean, football! Yeah, I watch that now. I don’t even watch American football anymore. It’s just rubbish to me now, honestly.
I’ve also been really getting back into tea lately. English Breakfast is such a vibe. To be real with you, I don’t even drink coffee anymore. Yeah, Starbucks over here? Literally going out of business. People are so over coffee it’s not even funny.
Oh, and I also picked up a new hobby that you’ll appreciate. I’ve stopped going to the dentist and taking care of my teeth. Isn’t that such a laugh? I remember you always going on and on about Big Teeth and you know what? You were right. Last time I went to the dentist a year ago, my bloody teeth started bleeding! That was the tell-tale sign that, blimey, you were right all along.
Maybe we could not brush our teeth together sometime?
Can I say something, mate? You have a long history yourself, but why are you acting like you forget the one we shared? Americans these days are afraid of commitment but you know very well we weren’t always like that. It seems like everyone always had a good laugh at long distance relationships, but we had something going really well from 1607 to 1783. I loved how our partnership was give and take. We would give you taxes, you would take them. You give us nothing, and then we would just take it. You and I had a solid foundation that could never be broken and it seemed like it never would since you ruled most of the world.
Wow, do you remember that first Thanksgiving, alright? Man, we took a bloody long boat ride to get there and everyone got nasty cases of scurvy. We almost lost our lives there, but it ended up being so worth it. I can still taste that big ol’ plate of shellfish and deer. Plus after that, we were so stuffed we knew we had to work off those pounds we ate that we decided to kill a bunch of those cheeky Native Americans with our smallpox and guns, and then moved in.
God, we were just two chuffed kids in love then.
But I’m glad I ran into you, because I really want to get something off my chest. About what happened that night we broke up. When I threw all your tea in the harbor, innit? I bloody hate myself for it, because that created a rift in our relationship that we were never able to repair.
I never told you, but that night, I was totally intoxicated off moonshine. I wasn’t ready to be a part of an empire, and I was being so, so mental. I have since sought treatment and am California sober now. I’m a changed country. I thought I knew what I wanted back then, that “independence.” I think I just really fell in love with the idea of it and didn’t want to be your sidekick. But after being out on my own, I know I was so, so wrong.
I miss you. I feel like such an arse for not taking you up on couple’s therapy and it was ill-advised of us to suggest going on The Jerry Springer Show 20 years ago to figure it out, but we thought the usual way of solving our problems with violence would work out like always.
What I’m really saying– Oh god screw it. Take me back as a colony, baby. I’ll let you steal my land. Just give me one night to rock your world and we’ll show you what you’ve been missing the past 250 years, you old bloke. Both of us are clearly so broken and knackered. Your queen just died and our king is pretty close to kicking the bucket, so I know we are both vulnerable and need each other to lean on! I know you could barely hold yourself together ever since Brexit, so please take me back, love. It’ll be different this time.