To whom it may concern,
I’m sending this note home to let you know your son’s conduct is becoming an issue. His past teachers informed me that Steve is usually a stellar student and a pleasure to have in class, but ever since he “got a sip of dad’s Heineken on the Fourth,” he is filled with a false maturity characteristic of men 15 years his senior. His behavior is disturbing the class, and this small dose of liquid courage is affecting his performance in the 3rd grade.
When learning how to read an analog clock. He raised his hand and guessed the time was “beer thirty.” It was 11:18 AM.
We went around the room, asking for the highlight of everyone’s summer, and he answered, “Probably that first cold sip of dad’s Heineken after pushing around the Fisher-Price lawn mower in the hot sun all damn day.”
I caught him passing a note to his crush. It read, “Hiya darlin’. Got any plans for Columbus Day? We’re heading to the lake to ride around in my cousin’s boat. We’ll probably be able to drink. My parents will be around, but they’re cool with it. After all, they let me have a sip of my dad’s Heineken on the Fourth. Peace, Steve.”
His newfound confidence is also affecting his physical education. Steve submitted a formal request to skip gym class, claiming he gets enough exercise “doing 12-ounce curls when dad lets me have a sip of his Heineken.” Then, after striking out in kickball, he let out a dramatic sigh and said he “can’t wait to get home, crack open a sudsy one, and watch my shows.”
At lunch he started teaching his friends how to shotgun a Capri-Sun because “you get a sugar buzz way quicker that way.”
During recess, he was called “out” in dodgeball, but disputed the ruling, claiming, “I would’ve felt it if I got hit. It’s not like I’m drunk or anything. I only had one sip of dad’s Heineken which is NOT enough to get me drunk. Trust me. It’s not like I had a sip of dad’s Heineken and a slice of grandma’s rum cake.”
He keeps pressuring his classmates to sign up for DraftKings using his invite link because he “has it down to a science,” and they are “just leaving beer money on the table.”
He tried to start a school beer pong club. This request was denied, but the faculty has already heard rumblings of “taking this thing underground.”
We understand Steve has a birthday coming up. He passed out invitations to the class, but was sure to warn them that “This party is not for babies. No trampoline park, no bowling alley. This one will be in the garage. Just a couple friends in folding chairs, listening to Steely Dan, and who knows? Maybe dad will let us pass around an ice cold Heineken.
His conduct towards teachers is at worst, harassment and at best, irritating. On multiple occasions, he has switched out my pencil cup for a red SOLO cup with “STEVE” written in Sharpie. The “s” is graffiti and my pencils are sticky.
He was given detention, but kept yelling with an exaggerated belligerence for us to give him his keys because he’s good to drive and he can prove it right now. He didn’t even drink that much of his dad’s Heineken on the Fourth. To prove his sobriety, he tried to recite the alphabet backwards, but his progress in the classroom has regressed so significantly that he doesn’t even know it forwards anymore.
I would appreciate it if you could have a talk with your son so we can continue this school year on a positive note. Please sign below and have Steve return it to me on Monday.
Respectfully,
Mr. Nathaniel Brown
St. Francis Elementary School
3rd Grade Math and Science