- I am the founder and CEO of two startup companies: one that designs and manufactures bootcut jeans for Komodo Dragons and another where I call my grandparents and tell them I need money because I've been in a horrible accident. I have unpaid interns for both.
- I own two books: The Kama Sutra and a mint condition, never-been-opened instruction manual for an AR-15 autographed by the entire cast and crew of FX's The Shield.
- I tell everyone my favorite movie is Seven Samurai when, in reality, it's that episode of Family Matters where Urkel gets stuck in a hot-air balloon.
- There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.
- I have a massive framed print over my bed of Biggie Smalls, Tony Soprano, Spider-Man, and Martin Luther King smoking a blunt together on the subway. Their weed smoke comes together to spell out the word “Peace” above their heads. It is the single most profound thing I have seen in my life.
- I have not seen any of my nieces or nephews get baptized.
- If I had a time machine, I would use it to go back to the night Scott Caan was conceived and not change a damn thing.
- I hold the record at my gym for the loudest anyone has ever fought with their girlfriend over speakerphone while on the tricep pushdown machine.
- I'm the only one of the cousins my cop uncle won't give a PBA card to.
- I'm going to see Duff McKagan doing his solo thing tonight.
- I've been in more physical altercations with the guy who engraves my paintball trophies this month than I have fed my dogs.
- My Instagram is entirely pictures of me standing next to sports cars that aren't mine and one post memorializing Tom Cruise from when I fell for a death hoax I saw on a pornography website.
- When I go on vacation with my girlfriend's family, they all silently pray that I'll sleep through breakfast every morning.
- Go ahead. Tell me and my buddies we won't be able to open a dispensary all you want—it's only gonna make us want it even more.
- My first words as a baby were, “Ok, so throw the first punch then, bitch.”
- I'm not allowed to travel outside the country because I couldn't stop doing The Shocker during my passport picture.
- I'm entirely too vocal in the appetizer conversation at dinners I'm not paying for.
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