Family relationships can be dysfunctional, if not downright toxic. Except for your relationship with Grammy Rose, which has always been defined by unconditional love and support.
Or has it? Many grandchildren don’t realize that the person who showers them with affection, financial support, and Werther’s Originals is actually demonstrating signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Up to 50% of Americans meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD, if you look hard enough. NPD in grandparents can be particularly hard to spot, as we are culturally conditioned to view elders as “wise,” “sweet,” and “deserving of respect.”
You can end the cycle of abuse by looking out for these seven signs of geriatric narcissism.
1. Love Bombing
Narcissists will often use excessive praise, gifts, and attention to win over the hearts of their victims. Don’t be fooled by what may look like simple affection from a doting grandmother to her only grandchild. This is a manipulation tactic meant to keep you emotionally reliant on the Narcissist. Sending you money on your birthday, repeated requests for you to come visit, or telling you they’re proud of you for getting your MFA in Film are all subtle examples of Love Bombing.
2. Self-Aggrandizing
Counter-intuitively, the Narcissist's Core Wound is a deep sense of insecurity and they may compensate by adopting an inflated sense of self. This can come out as attention-seeking or boasting. Has Grammy ever made you look at old photos of herself and said something like “I was a looker, alright!” Narcissism.
3. A Sense of Entitlement
People with NPD often believe they should receive special treatment, such as help picking up their prescriptions or the choice to not be put in a home. This can cause emotional distress in family members, who may feel pressured to acquiesce out of fear of losing their inheritance. Use this trick to decide whether Grammy’s demand is reasonable or not: When Grammy Rose asks for something, ask yourself, “Do I feel like doing this thing right now?” If the answer is “no,” the Narcissist is likely asking for something unreasonable and you should not feel guilty about ignoring their voicemails.
4. Exploitative Behavior
The NPD individual often selects relationships based on what the other person can do for them. Their relationships may take on a transactional quality, causing the victim to be blindsided when they are suddenly cut off after fulfilling the Narcissist's needs. Ever had Grammy tell you she needs to take a nap after you’ve given her a ride to and from the doctor? The sudden withdrawal of affection shouldn’t come as a surprise once you’ve learned to spot the patterns of narcissistic behavior.
5. Envy
Does this sound familiar? You introduce your new girlfriend to Grammy only to have her respond, “What I wouldn’t give to be young again….” Be careful before you chalk it up to an innocent wistfulness for lost youth. People with NPD believe they deserve the best of everything and become furious when others have what they perceive to be rightfully theirs. Remember, it is not your job to manage the Narcissist’s emotions. In the example above, you could set a firm boundary by cutting the visit short, just as Grammy is about to show you Grampa’s WWII medals.
6. Lack of Empathy
Normal people intuitively understand the feelings of others. This is not the case for people with NPD. Due to an inherent egocentrism, narcissistic people cannot understand any emotional experience beyond their own. Take the following example: You are showing obvious signs of suffering at being made to stay at the retirement home’s Friday Night Fish Fry past 7 PM when you have a Hinge date planned for 8 PM, but Grammy keeps laughing and smiling warmly at you. A neurotypical person would pick up on your subtle physical signs of discomfort, such as providing single-word answers and looking at your phone repeatedly. The Narcissist, focused solely on their own ends, is just happy they have gotten what they need out of you (see Exploitative Behavior, above).
7. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which the Narcissist makes their victim doubt themselves by contradicting the victim’s experience. A person with NPD may repeatedly lie or accuse you of lying when your version of events doesn’t match their narrative. For example, Grammy may say that you only called her one time last month even though you feel like it must have been at least twice. Gaslighting like this is insidious, as it can cause the victim to question their sense of being a good person. When caught, the Narcissist may make excuses for their behavior to protect their fragile ego. Grandmothers, in particular, may make an appeal to age-related memory loss. Don’t be fooled; even unintentional gaslighting is a form of abuse and you should still aim to distance yourself from the Narcissist. Gaslighters often put on one face for their victims and another to the world. Don’t be surprised if other people in the Narcissist’s life, like your mother, question your experience as well.
Relationships with NPD individuals can have profoundly negative effects on our physical and psychological health. If these seven traits sound familiar to you, take steps to prioritize your joy and convenience. When it comes to suspected-but-undiagnosed NPD in grandparents, what we’ve been socialized to think of as “neglect” may really just be firm boundaries, clear communication, and good self-advocacy.
Fortunately, there is hope. Remember that, no matter what you do, you will always be Grammy’s favorite.