Monday, July 1
Today I woke up as usual, thankful for my life and my beautiful girlfriend, Janine. I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work where I am equally as respectful to my coworkers as I am to our hardworking interns.
In the afternoon, I did my rounds of walking around the park and giving money to people experiencing homelessness. I was feeling pretty tired, so I sat on a bench but then immediately got out of my seat when a pregnant woman came over.
“Thank you,” she said, but I told her I didn’t need thanks because the world is predicated on patriarchal standards and insufficient resources for mothers and I was just happy to help in any way I could.
Thursday, August 9
Citibank called me and told me that apparently someone got access to my debit card and purchased $4,000 worth of electronics from Best Buy. When I asked them if there was anything they could do about the missing money, they told me they would work on it but it would take upwards of 12 months. I am actually glad this happened because this thief, who is also a full human deserving of decency and understanding, made me reconsider my attachment to money and material goods.
Friday, September 9
After ruminating on my encounter with the pregnant lady, I decided that I could have done more to help her so I wrote to my senator asking him to create more resources for pregnant women throughout the city. Then I told him that he should resign and give his office to a woman.
Friday, December 18
I drank the appropriate amount of alcohol at my work holiday party tonight. I was charming to everyone. My beautiful girlfriend Janine came, too, and really hit it off with my boss, Kyle. I was extremely polite and deferential to my boss, as well, even if he didn’t seem to notice anyone but Janine.
Saturday, December 25
I cherished the act of giving more than receiving. My family kept commenting on my selfless holiday spirit. I donated all the leftover Christmas Dinner to the stray cats outside. When we broke the wishbone, I wished for peace on Earth.
And peace throughout the universe in case there are any wars on Mars that I don’t know about.
Tuesday, January 8
I listened to my coworker Debbie drone on about her family’s Christmas vacation to Tulsa, Oklahoma with the rapt interest of someone seeing a Nicole Kidman thriller for the first time. Honestly, I should be cast in the next Nicole Kidman thriller. I would make a great suspicious husband.
Wednesday, February 14
Today was supposed to be the day I proposed to my beautiful girlfriend Janine during a romantic dinner at Carbone. That’s right—I got a Valentine’s reservation at Carbone.
However, I found out she had been sleeping with my boss ever since the holiday party. Apparently, I’m just too kind and generous a lover and she needed someone who didn’t rock her world every single night without fail. I decided to do the gracious thing, and let them have the Carbone reservation as they explore their budding connection. I went home and manifested good things for Kyle and my beautiful ex-girlfriend Janine. Then I drove over to my boss’s house and parked across the street with a pair of binoculars to make sure they got home okay and nobody bothered them.
Thursday, March 5
Today Kyle brought me into his office and said that unfortunately, he has to terminate my contract due to the conflict of interest between him, me, and his new beautiful girlfriend Janine. I thanked him for the opportunity to work there—I would never burn a professional bridge over a personal disagreement.
When I said goodbye to Debbie, she gave me a fridge magnet in the shape of Tulsa. Now I can put all the letters I get from Citibank on my fridge so I can look at them every morning and remember that I was able to help someone who was apparently in desperate need of 200 USBC adapters.
Monday, July 1
I walked around the park today, reflecting on the many changes of the last year. I was down a job and a girlfriend and a social security number, but only a lesser man would resort to bitterness.
I sat on the bench and marveled at the world around me. Suddenly, a woman pushing a stroller approached me and said, “It’s you! The man who gave up the bench for me last year! You should be remembered for your bravery and dedication to feminism.” Then the baby looked at me with its big, blue eyes and said with perfect clarity, “hero.”
It’s funny when things in life happen exactly like that and definitely not any other way.