Good morning, my fellow Americans. (applause) Today I stand before you a man ready to die for his country. (applause) I am willing (applause) to sacrifice my own life for the good of others. I pledge that I, Paul Barack Frank, will kill myself to make Progressive Insurance stop running their horribly unfunny and painfully awkward commercials.
Clearly my suicide will benefit the human race and will make America, and the world, a better place. It kinda cancels out the oil spill, if you think about it (pause to let everyone think about it). I will do this, not to cement my place is history as a martyr, not to be called a hero across the land, not to be thanked with posthumous blowjobs from hot women, but to…well, yeah, actually, all those things sound pretty good.
But mainly it is a selfless act, one that I know needs to be done and that I would be thankful for if I was everyone else. I know that if I could do something to prevent anyone from going through the pain I feel anytime a Progressive ad comes on, I would jump at the chance. So I am literally jumping off a cliff at the chance to take Progressive's commercials featuring Flo off the air, once and for all. (a couple coughs)
What do you want, Progressive? Just tell me what you want. I'll do anything. Do you want me to superglue a toaster to my testicles and jump into a full bath? No problem. You want me to staple my balls to a billboard and hang upside down from it? Have some Jews crucify me and then push me off of a super high building onto a bed of burning nails covered in AIDS? Sure, sure, you got it, Progressive.
I will decapitate myself with this dull butter knife for the good of commercial-watchers everywhere who have to deal with the unspeakable anguish that is watching a Progressive commercial. I'll let Gallagher smash a watermelon over my head. Or he can use my head as the watermelon. I will take anything sharp, heavy, etc. and smash it into my face repeatedly until I lose life. I will swallow a grenade.
I wll also do the following:
- Anything
- Let someone Jihad me
- Walk into Iraq with a shirt that says in huge letters Saddam Sucked My Grandpa's Dick
- Wrap a noose around my neck and just walk around
- Eat chicken that is six years old
- Challenge Charlie Sheen to a coke-smoking contest
- Anything at all
- Go back in time and dress up as Congresswoman Giffords (boos and chants of "Too Soon")
- Give the PIC commenters my home address
- Hang out inside a trash compactor
- Learn what's happening in Egypt right now
- Whatever
- Walk inside a small cage with a large, untamed tiger and call him a pussy
- Have sex with all the Progressive employees and let them unleash their wildest fetishes
- Build a giant blender just to put myself in it
- Have sex with Coldplay while listening to Coldplay
So please, Progressive, tell me how you want me to kill myself. Or, you could kill me in any way too! This doesn't have to be a suicide. You can have Flo herself put a condom over my head so that I can't breathe. Just please don't let her be in character or bad things might happen and then you will no longer have someone to act in your commercials, and you'll just have to replay the ones you already have, and we'll have gotten nowhere.
I'll even buy Progressive Insurance. I'll pay for the next ten years all at once, because I won't be able to pay for it when I'm dead.
So America, and Progressive, that is my proposal for you. For our future. We can only hope that for the sake of Fuck Progressive kills me and stops playing their commercials.
God bless you. (applause) No, I was talking to that lady who just sneezed.
God bless you all. And God bless the United States of America.
And may God let Progressive hire four clowns to murder-rape me.