Greetings, people of Earth.
We have been observing your world.
We have watched your species’ birth.
We have watched your rise to dominion over your planet.
We have followed your struggle to better yourselves and your society.
We contact you now to inform you that, upon consideration, we give the saga of your species a four out of ten.
It’s solidly okay, but nothing special.
The whole leg thing is frankly pretty weird.
The entire weight of your body is balanced on two spindly sticks and also, they have a hinge in the middle?
That’s not normal.
I don’t know how you convinced yourself that’s a normal way for bodies to look.
We hope you do not take offense at this.
We hope you do not kick us with your awful meat stilts.
The planet itself is pretty cool.
We like when there are mountains.
It’s like, you think there’s not going to be any more ground but then, suddenly, there’s actually lots more ground.
Really, a quite enormous amount of ground.
And then it goes back to normal.
That is solid stuff.
Canyons, however, are terrible.
They’re like backwards mountains, but long.
There’s nothing grand about that.
You should fill them with dirt and then keep putting more dirt on top of that dirt until you can’t anymore.
That would be much better.
Oceans are a little bland. You could maybe have less of them too.
Give or take pirates. Oceans are almost worth it for pirates.
We don’t know why you stopped doing pirates, honestly. You had a good thing going and now you don’t really do it anymore.
And for what? The Regency era? That was a huge snoozefest.
Although at least hoopskirts let us pretend you didn’t have legs. But only half of you wore them.
Did you give up pirates because of all the murder? You didn’t exactly stop doing murder.
Is that a sensitive subject?
We are sorry if it was rude to bring that up.
We have some suggestions for the future of your species.
Nothing too major. Just a few quick notes.
Again, please do not take offense.
You should bring back sabretooth tigers.
They were a really compelling villain, and you could frankly use that.
It feels like all of your current season arcs are really complicated and not all that exciting compared to a tiger with big teeth that eats your face.
Maybe you should just reboot to the Bronze age or so.
That was the last time we really liked your species.
Also sleeping is dull. Cut it out with all the sleeping.
Eating is okay, because at least it doesn’t take eight hours.
But sleeping is just weird.
And bring back some of the characters people actually liked.
Like Calvin Coolidge. He’s a fan favorite.
Also, what if pirates were on mountains instead of water?
Just an idea.
We thank you for your attention.
Please do not kick us.