This agreement states that Kaitlyn Johnson (“The Big S.I.S.”) and her two siblings, Megan Johnson (“Dimples”) and Robert Johnson (“Baby Bo”), will not disclose any Compromising Information to an Unauthorized Third Party and especially not a Third-Party Parent like Mike Johnson (“The Dadster”) or Linda Johnson (“Mommers”).
DEFINITION OF TERMS
“Compromising Information” refers primarily to the eggnog-induced confessions that occurred around the fire pit on Christmas Eve, including The Big S.I.S’s cigarette use, Dimples’ decision to stop going to church, and what really happened to The Dadster’s car in 2018.
Secondarily, it refers to any incriminating texts stored in the sibling group chat (“FamJam”). This includes but is not limited to jokes about the magnifying glass that Mommers keeps in her purse, active bets on how many times The Dadster is going to ask if someone touched the thermostat, and complaints about the longstanding “no feet on the ottoman” rule.
OBLIGATIONS
The Agreeing Parties will not share any Compromising Information with a Seemingly Reliable Fourth Party, such as Dimples’ on-and-off-again boyfriend of three years (“Lucas/That Whole Thing”), or Baby Bo’s favorite cat (“Snuggles”).
At no point will Dimples try to argue that Lucas/That Whole Thing is practically part of the family. Instead, Dimples will acknowledge that if anyone is eligible for being part of the family, it is The Big S.I.S.’s long-term roommate (“Nicki”). Furthermore, if The Big S.I.S. becomes excessively emotional when talking about Nicki, Dimples will not make that little smirk and say “Huh.” Dimples will just zip it and leave it alone this time.
The Agreeing Parties will also not “accidentally confirm” any Compromising Information through conspicuously passive means, such as smiling while shrugging or pausing for one too many seconds before replying to a question. If Baby Bo is asked where a pack of cigarettes came from, he will not make a face that suggests he is having an acute intestinal crisis. And if Mommers asks any follow up questions about the shape of his face, he will not respond by shouting “What secret?” before awkwardly excusing himself to the bathroom.
ADDITIONAL OBLIGATIONS SPECIFIC TO BABY BO
Baby Bo will not “confide in” Snuggles about any Compromising Information, even if he believes himself and Snuggles to be out of earshot of Mommers. Baby Bo will admit that he has previously used Compromising Information to triangulate a position of favor with Mommers, and that this was a really shitty thing for him to do. Baby Bo will be reminded that his previous nickname was “Mama’s Special Boy,” and that the selection of “Baby Bo” was a courtesy that can be retracted at any time.
Baby Bo will take all necessary measures to not share something meant for FamJam in the group chat that includes the entire family (labeled “KIDS PHONES” because it was set up by Mommers).
Baby Bo will acknowledge that sharing something to the wrong group chat is a completely preventable mistake and not an inevitable consequence of “fat fingers.” Baby Bo will stop trying to argue that “fat fingers” is a real medical diagnosis and just commit to being responsible for his own fingers for once, goddamn it.
Lastly, Baby Bo will volunteer himself to help Mommers set up a new family group chat, as KIDS PHONES does not include the correct number for The Dadster, and—somehow—this is unknown to Mommers, even though the owner of the incorrect number frequently interrupts the group chat to ask “What is this?” and “Who are you people?”
CONSEQUENCES OF BREACH
If any Agreeing Party breaks this agreement, the other Agreeing Parties will not be subjected to a long, rambling explanation about why it happened. Nor will there be any further discussion about it on FamJam.
The Disclosing Party will be subject to the immediate release of whatever Compromising Information is most personally devastating to them, as well as any Secret Evidence the Agreeing Parties may have completely forgotten about until just now. This includes but is not limited to:
- several pages of The Big S.I.S’s high school diary in which she confesses to shoplifting a bunch of cigarettes with Nicki;
- multiple photos of Dimples attending a rally for Satanism; and,
- anything found on the hard drive of Baby Bo’s college computer, which Mommers accidentally sent home with Dimples in a box of childhood junk.
Although all Agreeing Parties admit that the release of Secret Evidence would be an incredibly low move, they also confirm that they will definitely do it if it comes down to that, and especially if the Disclosing Party is Baby Bo.
Actually, if Baby Bo is the one who messes up again, Dimples and The Big S.I.S are just going to send a picture of the car crash directly to Mommers’ and The Dadster’s shared email account.
TIME PERIOD
This agreement is effective immediately and will remain in effect until all of the Agreeing Parties have passed or Mommers mouths the words “Hail Satan” while smoking a cigarette and The Dadster no longer cares about what happened to his car.