After a detailed NSA investigation, we have categorized User #119182 as a maximum priority, Scarlet-level threat. This is based on the following report:

At first glance, User #119182 appears generally incompetent when it comes to using computers, the internet, and technology at large. He displays behavior consistent with that of a low-threat individual. However, upon closer inspection, it becomes apparent that User #119182’s exaggerated technological ineptitude is a sophisticated ruse designed to throw us off his trail.

As we began our investigation, we were immediately overwhelmed by the number of decoy files littered across User #119182’s desktop in a blatant ploy to misdirect onlookers. It was almost impossible to identify illicit documents amidst thousands of JPEG files all labeled “Screen Shot <Date & Time>”. To further conceal sensitive data, every file of interest has been duplicated and renamed dozens of times. Only after pouring over “GotMilk_promo_ideas,” “GotMilk_promo_ideas_1,” “GotMilk_promo_ideas_1_final,” “GotMilk_promo_ideas_1_new_v2,” and “GOTMILK_PROMO_IDEAS_V1_V2_FINAL,” were we able to conclude they were not dangerous files and that by far his most punchy idea was “Can an almond do this?”

Our scan of his email account revealed that instead of opening and deleting messages as he received them, User #119182 has kept every email he has received since creating his account in 2009. While it would be easy to attribute this behavior to sheer laziness, no sane person would max out their disk space on spam emails without good reason. At this stage of our investigation, it is unclear how exactly American Eagle's 2011 holiday promotional materials could be weaponized against us, but we’re terrified to find out.

In addition to allowing every application ever opened to continue running simultaneously, User #119182 gravely impeded our investigation by drowning us in a deluge of X-rated pop-up ads, malware, and ads for anti-malware software. Despite these obstacles, we were thankful for the opportunity to chat with a handful of very forward women in our area.

This evidence of User #119182’s digital capability is frightening, and what’s even more concerning is that we don’t know how he’s leveraging his skills. User #119182 has developed a cryptic code to hide what we can only imagine are attempts to access seedy, dark-web platforms to sell cyber-terrorism services. Though he is likely taking bids to erase the world’s digital financial records as we speak, his search history would suggest he is instead a mildly illiterate man unashamed to ask questions even a child would keep to themself. User #119182’s recent searches include, “is mother day evry year,” “oldestt guy evr how tall,” and “floewer shop near me where drections.” Our code-breakers have never seen anything like it and though these phrases are certainly part of a complex criminal shorthand, without conclusive proof, User #119182 will continue operating above the law.

What makes this investigation particularly frustrating is User #119182’s hubris. He’s aware of our surveillance, yet he’s so confident he won’t be caught that he brazenly taunts us. On countless occasions, we’ve watched User #119182 select “show password,” before inputting the same elementary code he uses for all 125 of his online accounts: “GoBulldogz1998.”

Our investigation has concluded that User #119182 is one of the highest-level operatives we’ve encountered since Snowden. We see no other way forward other than to recruit User #119182 as a consultant* to learn his techniques and simultaneously keep his services out of the hands of bad actors.

*Authorization to contact User #119182 must be granted immediately, as his email storage is at capacity.