Jeffery has been lost!

Jeffery is a Border Collie, twenty-two inches tall (on four legs) or fifty-five inches (on two legs). If spotted, DO NOT CHASE. Instead, acknowledge his beauty, respectfully. Obviously all dogs are beautiful, but he’s a stunner.

DO NOT APPROACH HIM, DO NOT EVEN CALL HIS NAME. Though, honestly, I’d be surprised if you could, given that you’ll be stunned in silence by Jeffrey's natural swagger.

I last saw my dog trotting around McCarren Park on January 24th. During that time, a stranger approached him and whispered “Love you.” Jeffery immediately bolted.

Before the encounter, Jeffery often expressed fears that our neighborhood had gotten too mainstream. He did the normal things like bark when a bakery had a half-hour line and growl when awkwardly stared at by onlookers attempting to place him. Jeffery refuses to be neighbors with his fans. He cannot mix work and pleasure. If you see Jeffery, affirm to him, “These things happen, but you’re untouchable.”

Please use this photo to know when you’ve seen Jeffery. You’re likely wondering why he’s stationed atop an ice-sculpted dog bed. Annie [Leibovitz] suggested the pad during our last shoot. His natural body heat helps melt the bed, confirming that he’s physically “hot stuff.”

If you locate Jeffery, make no motions to corner him. When somebody chases him, Jeffery runs away. Like really fast. Instead, send me a text acknowledging that you saw my dog and tell me one thing you like about him. For example, I adore his snout and often write short stories about it. Other options for admiring Jeffrey include: his excellent bone structure (reminiscent of a young Leonardo DiCaprio) and his short, but powerful, legs.

For proper following technique, I recommend walking on the same street as him at a pace where you’d never catch up, but he’ll stay in your eyeline until you reach your destination. He won’t feel chased and you have plausible deniability that you’re just “going the same way.”

Feel free to tell your friends that you’ve spotted him. Use phrases like, “Is that really him?” “What’s a guy like that doing in a place like this,” and “You'll never believe who was at Balthazar.” The answer to all three is undeniably, Jeffery, the border collie.

Don’t you dare try to apprehend Jeffery while he’s defecating. Not only is it rude, it's frankly, derivative. Jeffrey is a true original and expects the same of his collaborators. While he appears static, you cannot fathom his mind’s machinations while squatting over a subway grate. Did you even think about how smart he has to be to squat over a subway grate? He’s making a statement about the way that our city treats the subway and how our car-obsessed nation views public transit. What was once waste will fall right onto the trains or the tracks. It’ll basically take care of itself. He’s aware of that.

Nevertheless, thank you for any support you can provide in this trying time. Although you can’t physically touch him, I encourage you to take a selfie from a distance then share that photo on social media and tag @ThatDogInJeffery. As you know, it’s Jeffery’s account. He’s very active between 1 PM and 3 PM. Don’t expect a response. He’s just too inundated.

This should be a no-brainer given that Jeffery is a border collie of a certain age, but it’s worth reminding you that he responds strongly to brand deals. He can command a room and has a natural instinct for when a deal is afoot. If we can get enough sponsors, he might feel inclined to come home and capitalize on success. Jeffery is particularly fond of Hermès. If you have any leads, please contact Jeffrey's manager.

If, despite all this, you’re able to capture Jeffery, do not attempt to use his microchip. While Jeffery is microchipped, utilizing it would be a huge blow to his ego. He’s recognized by you or a friend on sight or not at all.

In the meantime, I’ll keep my eye on the big one: Deux Moi. While Jeffery claims to fear being recognized, he’s fueled by the attention. He’s often spotted on his back getting belly rubs by the Empire State Building, discussing his unique approach to being a dog. I’m sure he’ll show up on Deux Moi sooner or later. A true star can never shy from the spotlight for long.