One of my younger friends was recently talking to me about how she can't wait until she graduates college, to which my response looked a lot like this:
I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the real world sucks. Another secret: I am poorer now than I ever was in college. You know that money the government lends you to go to school? Yeah, well, apparently you have to pay that back at some point. I know, right? I thought it was free money too, but I guess all that paperwork you signed legally binds you to giving all of it back, at a ridiculously high interest rate. A third secret: no one really gives a shit if you have a degree or not. I know someone who has a degree in Astronautical Engineering—yeah, she's a legit rocket scientist. You know what she's doing with her degree? Working at Barnes & Noble, selling books on Astronautical Engineering.
Graduating: The worst mistake you never knew you were making.You know what I'm doing with my diploma? It's sitting on my coffee table. It's the most expensive coaster I will ever own. What college did prepare me for, however, was how to successfully be poor. All those years of counting pennies, living off Top Ramen, and mooching off my parents to use their washer and dryer have taught me to… well, count pennies in a more expensive apartment, live off Top Ramen (purchased at a nicer grocery store), and mooch off my friends with more money and actual careers, by using their washer and dryer. The circumstances don't change, just the setting.
I am going to help you out by letting you in on a few pointers that I wish someone had sat me down and told me, while I was still in school and ignorantly blissful, thinking the best was yet to come. I am going to tell you how to stay afloat, all the while hanging by a thin strand dangling from that poverty line. That way you have a head start amongst your own peers when that dreadful day of graduation is upon you.
1. Save money for alcohol.
Frankly, if you're not buying me at least a McRib off the Value Menu, I'm not putting out.Makes sense, right? In college, alcohol is a crucial component in every social activity. In the real world, alcohol is a crucial component in mental stability; I save a little extra each month for liquor, not because I need to drink, but because the vodka-induced haze makes me temporarily forget the bitter terror of wondering how I'm going to pay my bills this month.
Alcohol also makes me call up ex-boyfriends, who are now married with successful jobs, and ask them where we went wrong. Not because I wish I was still with them, but because it would've been really nice to have that type of financial security. Even if it meant popping out a few kids and driving a mini-van. Although, soberly thinking about it, no amount of money is worth having a Mom Butt.
2. Swallow your pride.
When you're poor, you cannot turn down free food no matter how unappealing it may be. You know that bowl of free pretzels at the bar? Some might call it a ploy to make you even thirstier so you'll buy more booze. NBC's Dateline might call it a cesspool for fecal matter and semen. I call it dinner. And, if I remember to bring enough Ziploc plastic bags, a midnight snack plus breakfast.
Another food option to consider is wholesale stores, such as Sam's Club and Costco. On Sundays, I go grazing. Grazing is when you don't actually purchase anything from Costco, you just go around to all of the free sample stands in the store. If you time it right, you can have an entire four-course meal, dessert, and a night cap. When I'm feeling particularly confident, I do three laps. To do this, however, you must have the means necessary to alter your appearance, otherwise they catch on to what you're doing and Costco security escorts you out of the building. And takes away your Costco membership. Or, the membership of the person whose identity you have stolen in order to get into Costco.
3. Date. A lot.
This is geared more towards women, but men, stick with me here. Having a vagina has many downfalls: for one thing, we're genetically engineered to lack the ability to drive. No matter how many times it's explained, we cannot understand the logistics of football (how much is a foul shot worth again?). We don't have the attention span to keep up with news or politics or legislation or amendments to the Constitution. And we can't vote.
The one thing we do have going for us, however, is that we're not expected to pay on dates. It is for this reason that I don't have a boyfriend, because after a while, a boyfriend stops paying for your shit. Also, you're expected to give them sex on a consistent basis, and frankly, if you're not buying me at least a McRib off the Value Menu, I'm not putting out.
Under the guise that I'm picky, I actually go on many dates just for the free food and free movie. Yeah, sometimes I have to give a little something back in return, but I'm willing to go to first (and if he's really cute, second) for a good Matt Damon flick.
4. It's not considered mooching if they offer.
I like to give my friends the impression that I'm in a constant state of inebriation, therefore guilting them into driving everywhere. No one wants the token alcoholic of the group to do the driving. This saves on things like gas, radiator fluid, oil, Cascade, Tide—you know, things that make cars run. This does have its drawbacks, however; for one thing, seeming belligerent all the time is a lot harder than you would think and takes a certain amount of dedication and effort. I have to carry a spare pair of slacks with me everywhere I go for those times when I find it necessary to wet my pants in public after insisting someone take me to White Castle. You have to keep up appearances somehow.
Also, I've now found myself the subject of six interventions, and I think any more than that and my friends are going to either catch on to what I'm doing or just stop answering my phone calls altogether. I'm thinking of switching over to a fake drug habit just to mix things up a bit. I figure that buys me free rides for at least the next 6-9 months.
So you see, now you're way ahead of the game. Not only do you now have the knowledge on how to make it in that horrifying arena known as the real world, but you have my own personal tactics on these tips that you can wield and tailor to your own lifestyle. Of course, none of these will matter if you come out of your college graduation with a high-paying job that pertains to your degree… hahahaha, yeah right.