I've been teaching in Korea for a little more than a year, and here are some of the odd things that happen every day.
WINDBOY
SUE: We've got a Korean name for men like you, KC.
KC: Oh yeah? What is it?
SUE: Barum Doong-ee.
KC: Okay?
SUE: It means "Windboy," do you understand?
KC: Yeah, I'm really handsome like Clark Gable in "Gone With The Wind."
SUE: No, it means you're like a male whore. In and out, like the wind. Never to be heard from again.
KC: I like mine better.
WORST JOB OFFER EVER
I work two jobs right now, teaching about 40 hours a week. That may sound like a standard workweek to you nonteachers, but 40 hours of pure teaching is pretty grueling. I'm also required to deskwarm as I prepare for my 40 hours of teaching, which adds up to about 50 hours a week at a school. Whine whine, blah blah. Anywho, I don't sleep very much and by Friday night I don't want to deal with children for a few days.
So I'm leaving my morning job which I like, but drains me. In Korea the little schools all have little buses or miniature mini vans. One of the sees me and swerves. Out comes a really big older gentleman dressed in Tae Kwon Do gear. He stomps toward me. I'm wondering if I accidentally didn't give his kindergarten child a "Hello Kitty" sticker.
"Do you speak English?" he demands.
"Yeah." It's odd how often I get this question, even though my whiteness should be a pretty good factor.
"Do you want a job?" In fact, I am looking for a new job. "Okay, you would teach Saturday mornings to kindergarten children. Both Tae Kwon Do and soccer. I wouldn't be able to pay you right away, but I think it would be a great experience."
"I honestly don't know anything about Tae Kwon Do and I'm American, which means I'm really awful at soccer."
"That's okay. You'd be doing it with kids who don't speak English."
"Uh, why don't you just give me your card?"
I currently teach kindergarten, and for some reason, children love to punch, strike or pummel me in the testicles. The idea of teaching two ‘kicking sports' to kindergartners is about as appealing as teaching grenade throwing to blind people with muscular dystrophy.
Plus, working Saturday mornings? That's usually reserved for being hungover. And not getting paid? I like kids, but as I said, I can't do this stuff for free. However…
THIS KIND OF PERSON IS REAL?
I'm at a bar with a lot of foreigners – anybody who's not Korean. While a wayguk (foreigner) establishment might offer delicious American/Canadian/English or whatever food, it also features foreigners, who by some odd rule of thumb always have to be annoying.
So I'm by myself enjoying a crappy paperback novel and a tasty adult beverage when some guy walks up and starts talking to me.
GUY: You a teacher? (Amazing how often people ask me this question as well.)
KC: Yup.
GUY: Well, I never learned nothing from a teacher.
KC: Is that supposed to be a joke?
GUY: How?
KC: Nevermind then. (I turn back to my book and my drink)
GUY: I'm not finished. I never learned shit from you people. In fact, I think you're grossly overpaid.
KC: That's nice. Have a good one.
GUY: You got nothing to say to that?
KC: Not to you.
GUY: Let me ask you, do you like your job?
KC: Yeah. Teaching children is fun. It's a lot of work, but I like it and it's really rewarding.
GUY: If you love it so much, why don't you just do it for free? I mean, being a teacher is a job that everybody says we need, so why not just prove how much you love it and do it for free.
KC: Why don't I teach children how to read and speak English for free? You're serious?
GUY: Yeah.
KC: I like my job, but I need to get paid, so that I can buy things I like, such as food, clothes, rent or bills. That's why I don't work for free.
GUY: Frankly, I think you guys make too much money.
KC: Ahem, and what reality do you live in? I don't drive a Hummer, a Porsche or a Ferrari. I don't have a car. I'm still in some fairly crushing debt from student loans. I teach for long hours…
GUY: Teaching isn't that hard. You get all that time off. (Author's Note********You only get ‘all that time off' if you don't work in Korea, Koreans hate vacation…) And working with kids is fun.
KC: And have you ever worked with children?
GUY: Yeah, Smart Guy, I have. I have a niece and a nephew, and I'll tell you, it's not that hard. It's fun. I do it for free, why don't you?
KC: I'm not really going to get into this right now, because I don't know if you're looking for a fight, on some Candid Camera show or just a colossal dipshit, but if you can't tell the difference between playing with two of your family members and keeping 20 children in control as you attempt to teach them the ABCs, well, maybe you never really did learn anything from your teachers.
GUY: And how is that so hard?
KC: Holding the attention of two kids when you're the exciting and well-bred uncle, as I'm sure you are, is pretty easy. But when you're trying to teach 20 of them something and all these kids want to do is eat candy or play video games, that's when this little fun venture becomes a job.
GUY: So you're saying you don't like kids?
KC: I don't know how drunk you are, but no. I do enjoy teaching children. So why don't you do your glorious profession for free?
GUY: Me? I'm a businessman. It's bad business to work for free.
KC: When I teach five-year-old children, they're nowhere near as stupid as you. I'm going to enjoy my drink. Why don't you go kick some rocks?
GUY: You get mad too easily. You obviously shouldn't work with children.
To be continued…Tomorrow!