WARNING: This article is the highly unanticipated, immature, and poorly written third installment in a series you probably never read in the first place. It has no solid theme, it embraces absurdity while leaving out any form of character development whatsoever, it lacks creative vision, and it serves as solid proof that the writer suffers from a self-defeating personality based on the fact that he has trouble meeting women. The outcome of this article is both lame and predictable. It also contains the word "poop."
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
* * *
Greetings,
I am a demanding, emotionally-unstable, materialistic, valueless bitch who likes to seduce young men, lure them to my place, and then smash them in the face with a frying pan. I also have three children from four different husbands. But that's not important.
Jerry smashed into the large neon sign of a nearby adult bookstore before falling face first into a big pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. This is a story about someone out there who truly needs your help. His name is Jerry.
Jerry was a nice, well-intentioned young college student who had extremely high hopes for the future. His biggest goal in life was to help people, and he was always willing to fight for a good cause. He planned on earning a degree in counseling so that he could start his own self-help group for uneducated male adults under the age of 50 who become disillusioned with life after being raped in the woods by extreme atheist hermits on PCP. It was an area where he thought he could be of particular assistance.
Jerry was shooting pool with his buddies in a bar one night, simply enjoying life, when she suddenly walked through the door. Her name was Kelly. Jerry was so stunned by her beauty that he dropped his balls on the floor (his pool balls, that is). Kelly walked over to him, grabbed his balls off the floor, and smiled at him ever so sweetly as she put his balls back in his hands. Jerry was speechless. He felt such an intense attraction to Kelly that he simply couldn't concentrate on the pool game anymore. After the night ended, Jerry went back to his dorm room and simply couldn't sleep. Kelly had consumed his mind.
A few weeks later, Jerry found that he was once again able to focus on his studies. He had forgotten all about Kelly. He was sitting on a park bench one day happily reading his new book, "Scorned Narcissistic Women Who Beat Their Husbands: A Period of Study From 1875 to 1876" when he suddenly looked up and saw her standing right in front of him. "Mind if I join you?" Kelly asked.
The two sat down and engaged in a magnificent conversation that lasted all evening. Jerry was surprised to find that Kelly actually shared some of his interests and goals in life. In fact, Kelly was also earning her degree in counseling so that she could start a self-help group for educated male adults over the age of 25 who become disillusioned with life after being raped in dark alleys by uneducated single women over the age of 50. It was an area where she thought she could be of particular assistance.
Jerry knew that he was in love, but he also knew that he had to keep his cool. He wanted Kelly in the worst way, but he didn't want to come right out and tell her. He was afraid that would scare her away. Jerry struggled with the issue in his mind for quite some time. Finally, he decided to work up all of his courage and simply ask her out on a date. No harm in that, Jerry thought to himself.
A few days later, he seized his opportunity. He was walking down the street on his way to the grocery store, and Kelly just happened to be walking towards him. Jerry had an uneasy, nervous feeling inside, but he worked past all of his fears and on put his game-face. When Kelly reached him, he said "Hi" to her, and he started up a conversation. Just when the time was right, he casually told her that he had wanted to ask her out for quite some time. And sure enough….with a beautiful sparkle in her eyes, she gazed at him pleasantly for a few moments …and said "No."
"I already have a boyfriend," Kelly told him. "We're getting married next month. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I've already met the man of my dreams. He shares many of the same interests and goals in life as me too. In fact, he is also earning his degree in counseling so that he can start a self-help group for extreme atheist hermits on PCP who become disillusioned with life after being raped in office waiting rooms by educated males under the age of 50. It's an area where he thinks he can be of particular assistance."
Jerry stood there completely stunned as Kelly walked away. Feeling hurt, lonely, and rejected, Jerry started walking in the other direction with his head down. He just kept walking and walking. He felt so incredibly sad and depressed that he didn't even realize he was no longer walking on the sidewalk. In fact, he was walking down the middle of the street. Heading right toward him was a speeding truck, driven by an extremely cute blonde with really huge tits and a nice ass. She didn't see Jerry because she was too busy texting on her cell phone. Some guy from school had just asked her out, and she was texting him "Yes" when she suddenly heard a really loud "THUMP" from the front of her truck.
Jerry's body went sailing through the air, and he smashed into the large neon sign of a nearby adult bookstore before falling face first into a big pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. Happy, young couples walked by and laughed at him as he lay there twitching and gurgling, broken shards of glass stuck in his back and dog poop all over his face. Not only did Jerry have poop all over his face, but the trauma he had sustained knocked all of his teeth out and caused him to become permanently cross-eyed. In other words, he was nothing more than a crippled, bleeding, twitching, gurgling, toothless, cross-eyed, emotionally-devastated, poopy mess when the ambulance found him.
After the doctors operated on him, Jerry was placed on the 97th floor of an abnormally tall hospital building. This abnormally tall hospital building just happened to be a few feet away from another abnormally tall hospital building that was being used for treating patients who had suffered severe psychological trauma after being raped on isolated beaches by uneducated single women over the age of 50 but underneath the age of 65.
One fine and sunny morning, Jerry's nurse came in, opened the window, and decided to elevate his bed at an incline so that he could enjoy the beautiful view outside. Unfortunately, there was no view because Jerry's window was right across from the hospital next door. Jerry sat there incoherent and drooling as he stared at the fading bricks of the other hospital building when his nurse decided to move his bed closer to the window. Because his nurse lacked depth perception and often made jerky movements due to her severe alcohol addiction, she ended up pushing the bed too hard and too fast.
Jerry slid off the bed and went right through the window. He bounced back and forth between the two buildings like a ping pong ball until he finally splattered all over the ground like a balloon full of hot water.
Jerry could have avoided all of this trouble if he had only remembered one of life's greatest lessons. Never "fall" for the wrong woman.
Needless to say, this entire episode left Jerry feeling rather bad about himself, so we want to send him a "Get Well" card.
NOW THAT YOU HAVE READ THIS STORY, YOU MUST FORWARD THIS TO AT LEAST 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
My friend Thomas received this email and he sent it to only 4 of his friends. Well, guess what happened?
All 4 of those friends were kidnapped by uneducated, mean, drunk, aggravated, carnival workers between the ages of 25 and 50 who raped them senselessly and then locked them up for days upon days without allowing them to attend a self-help group for the vicious raping they had just received.
Thomas didn't get off so easy. His punishment was even worse. He was sleeping peacefully in his bed one night when a bunch of demon-possessed clowns marched into his room and forced him to play Rummy for hours upon hours, despite the fact that he found the game extremely boring. When this was over, they tied him to a chair and made him watch the Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill over and over again until he passed away from severe depression.
That being said, we desperately need your help to raise enough money to send Jerry a "Get Well" card. For every 50,000 people who read this and forward it to at least 5 of their friends, one-fifth of a penny will be donated to the "Let's Get Jerry a Get Well Card" charity fund.
Before you send this to five of your friends, please scroll down. Your guardian angel has a special message for you:
.
..
…
….
…..
……
…….
……..
………
……….
………..
…………
………….
…………..
……………
…………….
……………..
………………
……………….
………………..
…………………
………………….
…………………..
……………………
…………………….
……………………
…………………..
………………….
…………………
………………..
……………….
………………
……………..
…………….
……………
…………..
………….
…………
………..
……….
………
……..
…….
……
…..
….
…
..
.
If you send this to 5 friends…the monthly issue of your favorite magazine, "Lifestyles of the Working Class," will arrive a few days earlier.
If you send this to 10 friends…that special someone you desire will finally see that you have a lot to offer as a human being and that you're not just a stalker.
If you send this to 50 friends…the mysterious odor that has been emanating from your crotch for the past few weeks will magically go away.
If you send this to 100 friends…all of your good deeds in life will be rewarded when you are finally able to find a strong enough brand of toilet paper that doesn't break apart inside your asshole.
If you don't have any friends, then just send us a picture of your face and tell us about your social life. After having a good laugh, we'll probably forgive you for not forwarding this email.