Quiz: What Kind of Malaysia Airlines Disappearance Theorist Are You?

A. Your own inability to maintain human contact long enough to communicate an order because your life is a hollow shell.
B. A broken fryer.
C. An honest mistake by the waiter or waitress.
D. An aggravated former employer with a mustache wearing a turban.
E. Chemtrails.

A. None; you bathe in residual adolescent resentment and your father's disappointment.
B. Your hand because the washcloth was dirty.
C. Your hand because somebody forgot to leave you a loofah.
D. The barrel of your .45.
E. Bigfoot fur.

3. What do you really think happened to JFK?

A. What you wished happened to you.
B. Killed by Lee Harvey Oswald because he was aiming for Jackie and his gun misfired.
C. Killed by Lee Harvey Oswald because he was mentally ill.
D. Got what he deserved.
E. Alien Space Lizards From Outer Space had interests in Vietnam so they had to remove the rogue Alien Lizard who had taken the body of JFK and become president, defying orders from Outer Space.

4. What is your favorite band?

A. Hawthorne Heights.
B. Rage Against The Machine.
C. Reuben Studdard.
D. Hank Williams III.
E. All music is corporate brainwashing.

5. If you had a Lamborghini, where would you take it?

A. Off a bridge.
B. To get an oil change.
C. To file an insurance claim for the car you just backed into.
D. To go buy something American.
E. As far away from your mom's basement as it could possibly go on the one tank of gas she gave you money for.

6. What do you think the ultimate fate of the planet will be?

A. Something by Robert Frost.
B. Overtaken by conscious robots.
C. Global warming.
D. Literally anything except global warming.
E. New World Order.

7. What was your major in college?

A. English
B. Mechanical Engineering
C. Sociology
D. Agricultural Science
E. Playing Halo and drinking Monster

8. How do you feel about Jimmy Buffet?

A. Gay
B. Gay
C. Gay
D. Straight
E. Ancient Astronaut

9. If your house was up in flames and you could save one thing, what would it be?

A. Barbituate-infused vodka.
B. Laptop, even though the fuckin' thing never works anyway.
C. Forgot to grab anything.
D. Bible.
E. Carl Sagan's Cosmos so that you can show people, even though you never read it.

10. If you could have sex with one person in history, who would it be?

A. My mother, so she couldn't have sex with my father and have me.
B. Eli Whitney.
C. I don't know, but I prematurely ejaculate.
D. Jesus, but not in a gay way.
E. Terence McKenna.

HERE ARE YOUR RESULTS:

If you answered mostly A, you're Pilot Suicide!

If you answered mostly B, you're Catastrophic Failure!

If you answered mostly C, you're Honest Human Error!

If you answered mostly D, you're Terrorism!

If you answered mostly E, you're probably listening to an Alex Jones podcast and won't read this, but you're Conspiracy!