WARNING: The following article is not intended for mature audiences. It is intended for college graduates and those pursuing their degree. It is poorly written, opinionated, immature, highly offensive, and unsupported by research. It lacks thematic unity, and it contains extremely bad transitions. Reading this article while sober may result in dizziness, headaches, nightmares, social and political apathy, untimely bowel movements, divorce, a sudden interest in the history of vegetable packaging, and an unstoppable urge to impale yourself on top of a sharpened broom handle.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
1. Life isn't always fair.
There is no escaping the fact that bad things often happen to good people. As unfair and disturbing as this is, we simply have to accept that this is one of the harsh realities of the fast-paced, difficult, and often unforgiving world that we live in.
Recent studies have shown that some people, while ugly on the outside, are actually ugly on the inside as well.Some people always try their best to do the right thing. They love their families, they raise their children in homes filled with warmth and nurturance, they work hard, they support their communities, and they always go the extra mile to help those in need. These people are truly wonderful, but they are not immune to tragedy, sadness, pain, and loss. It is truly heart-breaking to see bad things happen to good people.
However, since you are not actually a good person, you will probably be OK. Just keep doing all those things that make you special and unique amongst others….like gossiping, spreading rumors, burning bridges, bossing other people around, drinking excessively, calling in sick at work, playing video games, cheating on your significant other, and serving as a drain on society's limited resources. Heck, you'll probably even win the lottery.
2. Unrealistic expectations will only lead to frustration.
Setting unrealistic expectations is never a good thing to do. It is psychologically unhealthy for any person to try to achieve things they are not capable of doing; therefore, I recommend that you set no expectations at all. Life is simply too short to be frustrated all the time. Being in good physical condition, having strong moral values, demonstrating passion or creativity, exercising good judgment, and serving as an upstanding member of your local community are goals that will only leave you disappointed and upset if you try to attain them.
Just get married, roll out a few children, fill them full of sugar and pills, and sent them to school where they will be a constant delight to the over-worked, underpaid teachers who are trying to educate them. You might even consider beating your children when they reach the age of 11. They will probably need it at this point. In fact, you and your spouse can even take turns beating them if you haven't divorced each other yet.
Beating your children at this point may or may not instill discipline into them. But it probably won't, because you've never actually tried to enforce rules before. You just gave them Ritalin and then expected their teachers to take care of the rest. Even though these severe beatings will probably fail to enforce proper discipline, they will have the effect of toughening up your children and preparing them for their futures as inmates in a correctional facility.
3. Some people, while ugly on the outside, are actually ugly on the inside as well.
Throughout your fine education, you have often been told that you should never judge a book by its cover. You've probably also heard that some people are “ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside.” This may be true; however, recent studies have shown that some people, while ugly on the outside, are actually ugly on the inside as well.
Statistical data and recent social analysis tests have revealed that many people have personalities that are vile, disgusting, putrid, ignorant, manipulative, controlling, and selfish…personalities that actually match the horrendous and deformed physical features that these people have to look at in the mirror every time they get out of bed in the morning.
Whether it be a large and contorted nose, a gigantic ass, a generally misshapen body, a belly the size of Jupiter, a physical impairment that causes them to walk funny, or even just an ugly face, recent evidence indicates that many of these people act and treat others with the same hideousness that defines the unfortunate genetic deformities that they inherited from their parents.
Warped and repulsive as they may look, scientists and social investigators have concluded that these people often try to viciously inflict the inner pain and insecurity caused by their lack of attractiveness, intelligence, and general success in life onto others around them…especially if they perceive that these people are better than they are.
Whether it be controlling people, bossing family members around, intimidating and terrorizing others, stabbing friends in the back, or throwing co-workers under the bus as they stampede toward status and power like the inbred cattle that they are, studies have confirmed that in a desperate attempt to feel better about themselves, these monstrously offensive-looking people will stop at nothing to bring others down to their level before stomping them into the ground.
What remains unexplained, however, is the fact that most of these people are married and have children, which means that there are individuals out there who have not only shown affection towards these people, but who have also fucked them….a fact that continues to baffle both scientists and researchers alike.
New tests are being developed to see if these fantastically ugly, grotesque people will actually read this article, laugh, and then honestly believe that it refers to everybody else around them.
4. Despite widely differing social, political, and religious views, most people generally agree that fucking is a good idea.
People hold many strong values when it comes to politics and religion. They also have very solid beliefs about how they think society should function and on how other people should behave.
Many of these values and beliefs are in conflict with each other. For example, conservatives and liberals often do not agree on issues such as abortion, affirmative action, the death penalty, gay marriage, the economy, education, and energy use. Religion is very similar. People hold many different religious views that often are not in agreement. However, people of all different political, social, and religious beliefs tend to agree on one thing…that fucking is a good idea.
Whether they are conservative or liberal, Democrat or Republican, Lutheran or Catholic, vegetarian or meat-eater, everyone basically wants:
- A nice place to live in,
- Lots and lots of money,
- A life completely free of stress, trouble, conflict, or situations that would require them to actually fight for what they believe in,
- And a good solid fuck.
And who is to say that they shouldn't want these things? There is nothing in the law that says you can't actively promote your liberal beliefs concerning gay marriage, abortion rights, affirmative action, a government-regulated economy, and equal opportunity for all as you are being doubly-penetrated by two athletic studs on your living room couch while your boyfriend is away for the weekend.
And who says you can't stand firmly behind your conservative convictions about gun laws, the death penalty, school vouchers, a free-market economy, the use of gas, oil, and coal as energy sources, and the overall belief that the individual is solely responsible for his or her actions as you proceed to bend your voluptuous secretary over your desk and pump her vigorously from behind before pulling out and leaving a nice, warm signature all over the small of her back….all the while hoping your wife really believes you're in a late business meeting.
“Killing animals for food is wrong; everyone should eat vegetables,” you say to yourself as you spit on your hand and stroke the UPS man's cock in order to get it nice and hard so that you can see just how much of his massive, throbbing, meaty, fleshy manhood you can shove into your mouth before your husband returns home from playing golf.
“Those damn Lutherans are so lazy…they have fallen so far away from the teachings of the Lord” you think to yourself right before your best friend's sister accidentally bumps her head on the steering wheel of your car because you forgot to give her the 5 second warning.
“The nerve of those Catholics….always thinking they can earn their way into Heaven…salvation comes by faith alone and not by the attempted good deeds of humanity” you ponder as your attractive, female cousin dismounts and gives you a stern warning not to tell anyone what just happened.
Abortion, affirmative action, the death penalty, gay marriage, the economy, education, equal opportunity, and energy use…all issues with many questions and no solid answers. But until we find the truth, we'll just keep on licking, kissing, sucking, spitting, stroking, penetrating, fingering, guzzling, gargling, cumming, and fucking our way into a better tomorrow.
So choose your political stance, choose your religion, choose your opinion about how society should function, stand up for what you believe in…AND START FUCKING!
5. The power of prayer is truly amazing.
Many religious people will tell you that prayer is an extremely powerful thing, and they are indeed very correct. If you pray passionately and persistently enough, your prayers will be heard by the Almighty.
I once knew a girl named Melissa. Melissa was hopelessly in love with Bob, but Bob didn't really care for Melissa all that much. In fact, he frequently had to use very clever social tactics in order to avoid her numerous advances.
Bob wasn't a very religious person. He acknowledged that there may be a higher power in charge of the Universe, but he never really put much thought into it. “If there really is a God, and if He already has an ultimate plan for all of humanity, then He's not going to change his master plan for anything small that I might ask for. So fuck it…why bother praying?” Bob reasoned as he casually cracked open another beer on Sunday morning while watching people walk to Church across the street from his backyard porch.
Melissa, on the other hand, prayed fiercely every day and night that the good Lord would bring her the man of her dreams. She prayed that Bob would somehow magically fall into her arms and stay with her forever.
Bob was cruising happily through life without a care in the world until that one fateful day when he lost his job as assistant-manager at the local cheese factory. He was emotionally devastated. Ever since he was a young child, Bob had always dreamed of working at a cheese factory. Not only was he emotionally devastated, he was also financially ruined.
Unable to pay his bills or even find another job, Bob took what little money he had left and got extremely drunk at a local tavern. Being the broken man that he was, he sat there pathetically on his bar stool…completely shit-faced and reeking of tequila. He was about to start hitting on the female bartender when Melissa suddenly walked in. Bob muttered something unintelligible as a big line of drool spilled out of his mouth and ran down his shirt.
Melissa saw this as her opportunity. Being that Bob was currently drunk and operating without inhibitions or even a general desire to live, Melissa seduced him, brought him back to her apartment, and fucked his brains out.
To make a long story short, Melissa became pregnant. Without the financial means to run away or the nerve to slit open his wrists with a soup can lid, Bob had no choice but to stay with Melissa and raise their child. And there he remained for the rest of his life.
So even if you're not a religious person, you can take comfort in knowing that someone out there is praying for you.
6. Most of what you just learned won't help you.
Getting through college is no small task. You've spent lots of time, energy, and money to earn your degree. You should be aware that people often go through depression after achieving great things simply because they are exhausted after using up so much energy. If you feel that you are becoming depressed, then just relax. I'm here to help you.
Depression is a very serious thing, but laughter is always a good cure. When feelings of overwhelming sadness start to set in and tears begin rolling down your cheeks, just take out all of your graduation photos and lay them on the table. In each photo, take a very close look at your face.
Now that you've had a good laugh, I have some very positive news to share with you. The good news is that most of what you just learned in school will not help you in life.
Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of academic knowledge. In fact, I find such knowledge to be extremely exciting and stimulating. Whenever I read a well-written, scholarly analysis of any given social circumstance that exists in our contemporary world…complete with footnotes, a well-constructed thesis, and properly utilized secondary evidence…I just want to pull my pants off, lie down on the floor, and masturbate ferociously at an acute 37.5 degree angle.
However, no matter how thrilling you may find academic knowledge to be, it simply won't help you in the long run.
If you find work in your area of study, other people at your job will have far more advanced practical knowledge than you do. Your boss will be an asshole, your co-workers will all be dickheads, and politicians will continually find ways to steal money out of your pocket. Also consider the fact that you will probably burn out, change careers, and end up going back to school at a time in your life when it is much more difficult and inconvenient to do so.
I should also mention that there are lots of people out there without college degrees who are making much more money than you will ever see in your lifetime.
Congratulations on your great achievement. You are now well-rounded, knowledgeable, and in debt.
7. Nobody's perfect.
Life after college can be difficult and confusing. You may excel at the career you have chosen, or you may not. You may even change careers after several years. Who knows? You might even find yourself working at a job that is totally unrelated to the degree you just earned.
It takes a lot of time and effort to find your place in the world, and once you do find your place, you will face the challenge of balancing your career with your family life.
As you proceed through life's challenges, you will make mistakes, and you will stumble and fall at certain points. When this happens, it is very important to pick yourself up and keep going. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all face obstacles, and we all make mistakes. Don't become too frustrated, and don't beat yourself up. The last thing you should do is blame yourself.
Nobody's perfect….especially you. In your case, it probably has a lot to do with your face and your lack of talent, but these are things you can't really fix or change anyway. So why worry about it. You may as well take it easy on yourself.
In fact, this could be seen as a blessing. Intelligent and talented people are the ones who have all the stress. Because they are capable of leading others, advancing civilization, and making positive changes in the world, they are actually under a lot of pressure. People depend on them.
Since you don't really have the ability to make a difference in the world, to positively influence or inspire those around you, or to do anything that will be remembered after you die, the pressure is off. YOU ARE FREE! The world is nothing more than interesting and fun scenery for you to look at as you travel through life on the short bus. Don't burden yourself with all the issues you learned about in your liberal studies classes, and don't worry about society's problems. You aren't clever or intelligent enough to fix them anyway.
So just kick back, relax, crack open a beer, play your favorite video game…and enjoy life.