If you're like me, you realize that college life, fun though it may be, does have its drawbacks. One of the greatest challenges for me was finding productive and enjoyable ways to spend the copious amounts of leisure time in between classes, labs, part-time work, partying, party aftermath-related complete relocation of stomach contents to bathroom floor while praying for sweet release of death, clubs, sports, and campus activities.
I soon realized there was only one answer: I needed to find a hobby. But there are so many hobbies to choose from. Stamp collecting, badminton, wind surfing, explicating classical Greek poetry. The list goes on and on. How do you decide?
While those are all enjoyable hobbies indeed, there is one choice that blows all others' shit away: starting your own metal band.
Need a photo for your new metal band? Just dig through last year's Halloween photos and you're set.
OK, so you're skeptical. My soul could be possessed by demons and my entire being assimilated into an abyss of utter, inescapable darkness, you say. I guess that might be a possible concern. But hey, nothing's perfect. You can twist your ankle playing badminton too. Just think of all the good points though….
1. Starting your own metal band is great for pest control.
Your average entry-level metal band's amps and speakers generate enough destructive sonic power to obliterate a small Central American country. Just imagine what it will do to the central nervous systems of pesky flying insects and night crawlers. It will be a coup. An unseen nest of hornets in your dorm attic aka ticking time-bomb of pain and inflammation is lying in wait for just the right moment to strike. But wait, 5,000 watts of bass boom and BAM, it seems there's been an unexpected change in their plans. Same with fire ants, silverfish, and small rodents. And it's non-toxic and pet-safe.
2. It's also a great study aid.
Clinical findings in audiology show a notable correlation between catastrophic auditory nerve damage and ability to listen carefully to long, boring lectures. And studies show a link between violently thrashing one's head about at a rate exceeding 325 thrashes per minute and math skills. You can also get abnormal psychology college credit for any two 400 level classes including Introduction to Sociopathic Assassins 402.
3. If you're a guy, in addition to the scholastic benefits, you will automatically become a chick magnet.
Even if your band blows gigantic chunks, which it no doubt will, and even if your body is a pathetic, amoeboid mass of Justin Bieber-like muscle atrophy, girls will view you as a sex god and violently hurl themselves at you with the force of a Spartan legion. It's the rock star allure. They can't help it. You will also be able to score drugs very easily.
4. It will give you serious leverage with your parents.
When they find out you are starting a metal band they will do ANYTHING to prevent it. So you can then say something like: "Yeah, I can see your point. I guess it is an unwholesome lifestyle. How about if I just quit school and go live in a clothing-optional Branch Davidian lesbian training compound? Or become an anarchist revolutionary? Or just move back in with you and parasitically subsist on your income and play Minecraft for the rest of my life?"
5. Your band name will be cool as shit.
Metal bands always have the coolest names. And you won't even have to think hard (or at all) to come up with a badass band name. There is a Facebook metal band name plugin with a simple formula that eliminates all the guesswork. First, based on the first letter of your first name, select one of the following words: Deadly, Sociopathic, Putrid, Slime-Encrusted, Fungal, Dyspeptic, Engourged, Psychotic.
OK, great. That's the first word of your band name. Now, for the second word. Based on the first letter of your birth month, select another word from this list: Enema, Cesspool, Sewer, Vomit, Bile, Death, Peanut Butter, Suppository.
And there ya go. Now just tag all your friends with metal bands.
6. It's really easy to write metal songs.
Have any of you ever done any "rage work" in group therapy? It's kinda like that. First you'll need a digital voice recorder. Now set it to record and picture someone you really, really hate. Now just go off on them really hard with every ounce of vitriolic ferocity you can muster. Try to pulverize this person's soul with words. Just keep going for the length of one track until your hated one's soul has been thoroughly pulverized. You should have something like this:
I want to disembowel you with a rusty, tetanus-infected can opener. I want to stuff 200 tampons in your nostrils and make them bleed. I want to eat your ancestors. I want to manually remove your lungs with my bare hands and make them bleed and ooze pus. I hate you. Die. You are evil and I seriously question your character and integrity. Die. Just in case I forgot to mention it, I want you to bleed and die. I want one ton of African scorpions to eat your soul. Die. Bleed. Die.
7. It's incredibly easy to learn how to sing in the metal style.
Just think of the voice of your favorite animated supervillain. Now think of him in a dramatic high point where he is totally going off on the superhero, explaining his detailed plan to slowly torture and kill him and then destroy the universe while maniacally laughing in a loud and annoying way. Just sing like that. Easy, right? If you're a Star Trek fan, you can practice your conversational Klingon language skills right along with your metal vocals. It wouldn't hurt to actually wear Klingon headgear and wield a Bat'leth while you are singing.
OK, you've heard the evidence. So, what are you waiting for? Demons have possessed your soul and Metalocalypse has been pre-empted by hockey, you say? Well, screw it. There's always stamp collecting.