Dear Kid,
You know who you are.
We all see you.
We all talk about you.
We don't know your name.
We all know that you don't party.
We all know that you don't drink.
We all know you've never seen Animal House.
We all know that your roommate at the private school you went to that had a poster of Belushi in the sweatshirt has never seen the movie.
We all know that you don't know that Belushi was on Saturday Night Live.
We all know that you don't know that Belushi tragically died of a cocaine overdose.
We all know that the DVD copy of Animal House that you brought to college was given to you as a present by your younger sister the day before you left.
We all know that you thought it was Bill Murray that wore the sweatshirt.
We all know that you're uncle was a 2nd unit director for the movie.
We all know that you thought that Neighbors was a remake of the movie.
We all know that you didn't know what frats are until a week before you bought the sweatshirt after you looked up frats on urban dictionary and threw up in your mouth because you are against everything they stand for.
We all know that the only reason you know what Animal House is because you looked up on YouTube "Songs similar to Otis Redding songs" and the first thing that came up was Otis Day and the Knights' "Shama Lama Ding Dong."
We all that you didn't understand it when your friend sat down across from you at lunch and put a bunch of food in his mouth and then punched his cheeks so the food went everywhere.
We all know that you didn't have any idea what was going on at that high school party when your drunken friend kept yelling "TOGA!" at the top of his voice.
So please take your sweatshirt off, go put on your co-ed lacrosse warm-up jacket from 8th grade, and head to the quiet study room in the library.
With love,
The Student Body