Dr. Bhaer and my fellow classmates of the Intro to Gender and Sexuality Studies course here at Sweet Willow College:
Normally I don't participate in class, save for when there are glaring typos on the slides—your welcome—but I have to speak up about a concern I've been having.
It's my roommate Amy. See, my annoying-ass suitemate Pauline thinks Amy's experienced massive brain hemorrhaging—but I honestly think she's just experienced a socially-conscious awakening.
Yeah, okay, she hasn't spoken in nine days, so maybe she's having some “aphasia.” But as cis straight white women, it's honestly really our place to just listen. So tell me, someone, what was really reduced here? The bloodflow to her brain? Or her ignorance of her own privilege?
Pauline is worried that one side of Amy's face is drooping. I'm worried that Pauline is letting the norms of feminine beauty dictate that all faces shouldn't be droopy. I'm droop-positive, okay? And sure, fine, maybe it's unclear if Amy can smile right now, I will grant you that. But you know what? Stop telling women to smile!
Amy's been using her left hand more lately and it seams like her right hand isn't doing as well. So, sure, maybe a blood vessel carrying oxygen to her brain was blocked by a clot, weakening her muscles. Or maybe Pauline should stop discounting Amy's newfound ambidextrous identity. That's all I'm saying.
Look, I'm not crazy. I'm worried about Amy's health as much as the next person. Dr. Bhaer, you may not be a medical doctor, but even you can confirm—Amy's very evident decline in grammar could be a symptom of a weakened blood vessel leak. But it could also just be her bucking prescriptive grammar rules handed down in a historically oppressive and patriarchal language.
Right? Right?
The other day Amy opened her MacBook, and after recoiling from the glare, her weakly shaking left hand scrawled out, “Y don't feel to good.” And you know what? She shouldn't! Patriarchy doesn't feel good. But on the bright side, she's swapped the phallic “I” for the vastly more yonic “y.” Feel good about that, Amy.
In conclusion, this is less a question and more a request that you all tell Pauline to take her “FAST” test and her pre-med major and shove it all right up her own Y. Seriously, the next time you see Pauline, please repeat that—I worked really hard on it. We can all agree, the only stroke Amy is having is a stroke of genius.
Am I right? Am I right? Someone high five me.
You guys?
Oh, and Dr. Bhaer? You forgot the apostrophe in “womyn's.” I'll sit back down now.