Congratulations on purchasing your very own Steve Harwell's Kloud Kickr Vape Pen! Steve is so happy to have you! With this step forward you have reached Astro Level One and are that much closer to achieving nirvana with the Kloud Kicker himself, vape creator and lead singer of Smash Mouth, Steve Harwell.
However, this isn't just an object you have purchased. This is a way of living and of way of thinking. You're giving yourself up to find out the secrets of the universe and you must leave everything you knew about yourself behind.
If you are ready to become a vessel for the one great Harwell, follow these instructions precisely and you shall attain answers.
1. Charge the battery.
Your battery will not be fully charged when it arrives, so we recommend charging it for up to 8 hours. During this time, use the envelopes and ceremonial wax sealer to write letters to your non-vaping friends and family, explaining that you will no longer be in contact with them. They're not your true family. In fact, they never were. They were holding your true potential back. Kloud Kickr is your family now.
2. Insert battery.
After the battery glows green, insert it into the back part of the pen and twist counter-clockwise until it's locked.
Make sure you videotape yourself while doing this, simultaneously reciting all of your devious experiences, sexual history, and bank account information.
3. Fill the tank.
Choose an essential oil (the three starting flavors are Consciousness, Bird Shit, and our personal favorite, Compliance), strip naked, and anoint your sinful body before putting on the white ceremonial undergarments. Once worn, you can never remove them.
Then, using the ceremonial dagger, cut a straight line across your palm, thereby mixing the blood and oils until the pain turns into pleasure and the depravities of your past are lifted.
Then fill the cartomizer with just over a teaspoon.
4. Vape.
Press the power button until the red light turns blue. At that exact moment, exclaim your allegiance to the Prophet Harwell and inhale. When you exhale, remember that you are both rockstar and allstar, and that Harwell is within us all. The Game is on and you can go play.
5. Follow the Shadow Man.
After you have vaped with our starter flavor "Compliance" you will meet the Shadow Man. Do not fear him, but do not look directly at him. Simply bow down your submission and let his essence take you. Any pain you feel is simply the shattering of how previously perceived the world. You are giving yourself up to Harwell. You are walking on the sun.
When you feel a cold shiver and an incredible feeling of sadness and loss, the Shadow Man has left, and you will have reached Astro Level 2.
6. Buy Astro Lounge on vinyl for free digital download.
After the Shadow Man has left your presence, why not go down to your local record store and purchase a copy of Smash Mouth's Opus Astro Lounge. Send a picture, and a check with $137 made to cash, and we'll send you our special Guy Fieri Three-Flavor Vape Pack! Each flavor is based on a different mayonnaise.
Welcome to the Astro Lounge. See you in the Klouds.