If you've ever been dumped, you’ve probably endured the barrage of meaningless drivel about how to get over an ex. “Treat yourself to a good cry,” suggests your sister. “Unfollow them on social media,” your single friends chorus. Or maybe you're even the poor sap on the receiving end of my personal favorite: the profound and sensitive, “Give it time and this too shall pass.”
Find these tips depressing and, dare I say, useless? Have no fear! There are more effective ways to get over your ex. Read on to get over your ex once and for all.
1. The Amicable Win
After an amicable break-up, invite your ex to engage in a casual “gaze at the stars” session in the local park. As soon as your ex lies down next to you, shoot up and quickly leap over that unsuspecting fool. Mid-jump be sure to gleefully shriek, “I'm over you!” Drop a mic and walk away.
2. The Height Advantage
Don your highest pair of high heels, heeled boots, or stilts (if that's what you're into). Next, find your ex and stand next to the oblivious troll. Peer down condescendingly, point, and bellow, “Who's over who now?”
3. The Writer
Write your name above your ex's name on a blank sheet of paper. Hand the paper to your ex. This is a clear sign that you are so over them.
4. The Nomad
So your ex lives in California? No problem! Simply relocate to Oregon. Once you've completely uprooted your life, send your ex a picture of a map with the caption “I'm so over you.” (Note: For a particularly dumb ex, be sure to circle your respective states and draw an arrow for a clear visual demonstrating that Oregon is indeed on top of California.) If your ex lives in Washington or Maine or one of the Dakotas, you will have to journey to Canada–my deepest sympathies. But at least Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is there!
5. The Creative
Does your ex have a sunroof in their car? If so, you're in luck! While your unsuspecting loaf of an ex is at work, crawl on top of their car and arrange yourself casually on top of their sunroof. Be sure to press your bitchy resting face into the glass! When your ex gets into the car after a long day at work, wait patiently for them to look up and mouth “I'm so over you.” Works every time.
6. The Daredevil
Does your ex walk under a bridge every day? Of course they do! Every troll does. Tie a rope around your waist and ask your strongest friend to belay you. As your ex passes, swiftly propel off the bridge while shrieking, “Look [insert Satan's name], I'm so over you!”
7. The Spiteful
Assuming your ex has a job, seek employment at your ex's current place of work, plot like hell (revenge is a powerful motivator!), and get promoted over that lazy sack of corporate shit.
First thing you do after your promotion? Send your ex a screenshot of the firm's new hierarchical structure with the caption: “Look who's over who now.”
8. The Adele
Step 1: Find your ex.
Step 2: Wait until that pitiful fool dares to open their mouth in your presence.
Step 3: Belt out Adele's catchy chorus, “Hello from the other side!”
Step 4: Feel the triumph. Congrats, you've just sung over your ex and are now obviously so over them.
9. The Mile High Club
Book a ticket on an airplane that will fly over your ex's current location. From your perch in the sky, snap a picture of the glorious view. Take a moment to bask in your win. After you're done cackling, be sure to post this gem on all social media channels, tag your ex in all posts, and include the caption, “Can I be any more over @[insert troll's name]?!”
Please note, all above methods have been pre-tested and pre-approved by an army of truly vengeful dumpees. Guaranteed to work or your relationship back!