trump: hey, is he picking on you
postal service: no
trump: then why did i see you give him your lunch money
postal service: it was nothing
trump: that was not nothing
postal service: can’t you just ask my how my day was like a normal parent
trump: how was your day
postal service: i don’t wanna talk about it
amazon: is your dad pissed
postal service: it’s fine
amazon: oh. okay
postal service: yeah
amazon: can we—
postal service: not here
trump: i saw what happened. i saw that punk push you against the lockers
postal service: dad why did you come into the school
trump: don’t change the subject
postal service: it was nothing. we were just messing around
trump: do you want me to say something to him?
postal service: please dad no
trump: you know his dad is a big jerk right? that’s where he gets it
postal service: i think his dad’s pretty nice
trump: not to me he’s not
jeff bezos: hi
trump: hey jeff. I’m calling to talk about your son. i think he’s been bullying—
jeff bezos hangs up
trump: hello?
alexa: you and my brother are more than friends aren’t you
postal service: no, what are you talking about
alexa: you know i’m always listening, right?
trump: let me see your neck
postal service: dad stop, plz
trump: let me see your neck
trump pulls down postal’s service turtleneck
trump: jesus christ, he bit you didn’t he
postal service: no it’s a burn mark
trump: oh, a burn mark? a burn mark? from what exactly?
postal service: something hot
trump: jeff if you hang up on me i will have to talk directly to your—
jeff bezos hangs up
trump: i understand you know my son pretty well
amazon: um yeah i guess. i mean we have class together
trump: you think it’s okay to bully him?
amazon: i’m gonna be late to—
trump: if i find another bite mark on my son, you will be hearing from my lawyer, do you understand me?
amazon: listen I think you should talk to your son. also didn’t your lawyer quit
trump: beat it, punk!
postal service: dad you don’t understand
trump: do you think I’m just gonna keep giving you money knowing you’re giving it to a bully? do you think I’m just gonna bail you out?
postal service: your dad gave you money
trump: don’t change the subject
postal service: dad you smell like alcohol. it’s 3:30
trump: i’m gonna call jeff
jeff bezos’ voicemail: sorry i can’t come to the phone right now, but leave your name and number and i’ll give you a call back. also, hey trump, go fuck yourself
trump: i hate you jeff bezos!!!
amazon: i brought you a “package”
amazon grins sheepishly
postal service: okay, really?
amazon hands postal service a green bag marked “fresh”
postal service: thanks as always for going out and getting this. it’s so much better than the crap they serve in the cafeteria
amazon: the only thanks i’ll accept is a kiss
postal service: right here? what if someone sees
amazon: let them
postal service: i’m nervous
amazon: me too
they kiss
trump: holy shit
he lowers the binoculars
trump: you are so grounded