Listen to the dramatic reading by Lee Frank:
Countrymen, permit me to introduce myself. The humble citizen you see before you is none other than Wayne LaPierre, Chief Executive Officer of the National Rifle Association. Like our free-thinking forebears, I am graced and cursed in equal measure to live in a time when the task of defending liberty falls squarely upon my shoulders. My life has known no greater struggle and it has known no greater honor. Indeed, as I look back on my efforts to protect each and every American’s God-given right to bear arms, my only regret is that I have but 96 lives per day to give for my country.
Oh! Those square-jawed martyrs of yore did not know how easy they had it. For while a Nathan Hale or an Abraham Lincoln could die but once in service of the defense of liberty, I, Wayne LaPierre, must oversee a daily sacrifice nearly five score that many Americans from gun violence.
Weaker men, men who have not chosen to carry forth the torch of liberty, ask me how: how can I give so much? From what subterranean spring flows such generosity and selflessness? How can I—every single day, with weekends skewing higher than weekdays—let an average of nearly a hundred men, women, and children be killed by guns? Well, my base salary of over $900,000 per annum certainly helps.
But what is money without freedom? What is a person’s life worth if they must live under authoritarian strictures that keep them from such inalienable rights as “buying a 30-round magazine from a sporting goods store,” or “open carrying dual handguns while serving as the Grand Marshal of the local Arbor Day parade?” And more importantly, what are 96 people’s lives worth if they must live without such rights? In my estimation—and I’m not much for visiting victims’ families so this is a bit speculative—they’d say, “not much.”
Our greatest founding father, Thomas Jefferson, once said that the tree of liberty must from time to time be refreshed with the blood of patriots and tyrants. While I by no means profess to possess an intellect anywhere near that of Mr. Jefferson, I would humbly add that the tree of liberty must also be refreshed with the blood of schoolteachers, moviegoers, high school students, office workers, intimate partners, and random passersby. The exact composition isn’t strictly important. But my preference is that the blood of at least 96 Americans should water the tree of liberty every single day in perpetuity.
I’ll readily admit that my personal willingness to sacrifice the equivalent of nearly two school buses full of this nation’s citizens every day is admirable, but no cost is too great in my quest for freedom. Of course, when I say school buses, I am not literally saying that that many children are sacrificed each day! No, our nation’s littlest patriots give up their lives for the second amendment at the lower rate of around 7 per day. But if the cause is just, we mustn’t fear what it takes to defend it. I cannot feel regret for the seven people under the age of 19 who die each day. No! The only ache which pains my heart is that I can’t sacrifice more children for this great cause of liberty.
It is my solemn promise to you, that I will never, ever give up. As long as blood runs through other people’s veins, as longs as hearts beat in other people’s chests, as long as they have legs to carry them forward, I will be standing tall, ready to sacrifice them for your rights.