Join Wow Airlines $9 Fare Club?
[Yes]
[No, I don’t want to save because I’m irresponsible with money]
Switch to the latest version of Gmail on your phone?
[Yes, I want it]
[No, I don’t want smarter email because my dumb little brain can’t adapt to change]
Start your 30-day free Audible membership?
[Yes please!]
[No, I thought my slow reading speed was what kept me away from books, but your easy-to-consume audio format made me realize I’m just an uncultured monster]
Stay on top of the entertainment industry with Variety’s breaking news alerts?
[Sign up]
[I’ll get the news late. It’ll be so late that in-the-know people will be like, “Why’s that loser bringing up stuff we talked about before this sentence? Someone kick them out before we all have sex and give each other jobs because we’re all so on top of entertainment industry news.”]
You’ve read your last complimentary article. Try 3 months free?
[Try it]
[No, I’m incapable of lasting human connections and don’t mind telling people I can’t read their links, which are probably their final attempts to bond over our mutual interests and will effectively end all my longest friendships]
Want Amazon to donate to your favorite charity at no cost to you?
[Yes, pick a charity]
[No thanks, even though it only takes a few seconds and you'll take me right back to this page and countless others have proven their capacity for human empathy by donating $89,030,554 to charity so far, I’m a horrible human being and you should go ahead and piss on my face like the garbage I am]
Remain on Facebook or delete your account after death?
[Stay on Facebook]
[Permanently remove all of my info, photos, and posts from Facebook after my death, making it so no one will be able to see my Profile again or ever remember that I was a person who existed]
Sign up to never miss out on our latest deals?
[Subscribe]
[No thanks, I’m already subscribed. There’s absolutely zero possibility that I would simply not want to be subscribed. I hate missing out and need those freakin deals baby! And since we’ve established that I want to be subscribed, I must be here to select that other beautiful button to subscribe for the first time or subscribe a new email address so it can also be subscribed. The only thing that would really be pointless is for me to come here and inform you with this button that I’m already subscribed like some sort of weirdo.]
Get cookin’ with our pasta recipe newsletter?
[Sign me up!]
[I’m a terrorist]