A few nights ago, I gave ol' Nate DeGraaf a call. However, much to my drunken dismay, the Aryan fuck didn't pick up…
Giving him full credit…he eventually called me back.
Anyway…it's no surprise that we talked about DeGraaf's lively sex life and my drug habits. But, somewhere along the way, I remembered a story about what happened to me last Friday and I told him how it went. It goooooessssssss:
I deliver for Fox's pizza. Probably the dirtiest fucking pizza place east of the Mighty Mississippi.
Well, Friday was my first night and on my second delivery, I backed up into a telephone pole. Three wires fell down, one of which split. Sparks flew all over the place, I nearly shit my pants. You know, the usual human response to nearly being electricuted. Luckily, the transformer blew after about 10 long ass seconds of near death and the power went out all down the street (Falling Run Road for you Morgantowners). I called my boss, told him about the accident…so he tells me not to inform the cops that I was delivery pizza. He said it'd make my insurance go up. IN ACTUALITY, what I didn't realize was that that fuck was just covering his own ass. This is what DeGraaf told me (along with the oh-so lovely line “You need to get more streets smarts, man).
MY BOSS was actually responsible for MY fucking up.* So, instead of him taking claim of what he was legally responsible, I omitted the fact that I was delivering pizza and put the accident on my already insane insurance.
However, tonight I'm telling him that I'm letting both the cops and insurance know the truth…probably at the risk of my shitty job. So yeah, I'm fucked either way.
The moral of the story here, children, is that doing the right thing fucks you over. Don't ever do it.
In fact, I advise doing the exact opposite. Like…I don't know…kick your mother in her cunt and piss on some baby squirrels. Or eat all the Chex Mix. Whatever seems necessary in order to be a badass that nobody will fuck with.
Anyways, the story itself has more few rather interesting parts…take, for example, the fact that I knocked out the power to a whole row of houses on a party street in Morgantown, West Virginia on a Friday night at 10 PM.
I met four hot bitches, who invited me to their new, candlelit-themed party.
Also, some fat fuck came out of his house drunk and started yelling at me.
Fat fuck: HEY, CAN'T YOU DRIVE?!
Me: FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER, WHY DON'T YOU ROLL YOUR FUCKING FAT ASS DOWN HERE AND SAY SOMETHING IN MY FACE? YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I'LL FUCKING STAB YOU IN THE EYE. SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FAT FUCK (inaudible) (inaudible) (spit) (inaudible)
Fat fuck: Chill…chill man, I'm cool…it's just we're having a party and…well I'm sorry.
Cop walking down the street: You shut him up.
So the cops got there and fucked with me.
Cop 1: Guess we're gonna have to take him in
Cop 2: Yep, get the handcuffs out
Me: I'm not into that kinky stuff, sirs.
Cop 1: Oh, a jokester huh? You insulting us boy? That's an offense in itself, you know.
Me: I wouldn't think of doing that, officer….but if you're being serious, I'd rather throw myself in front of traffic than be taken to jail. I value my anal virginity too much.
Cop 2: I think we have to write you a citation for that
Me: For what?
Cop 1: Saying “anal virginity”
So, after I got all that shit straightened up, I went out and got fucking trashed.
Amen.
Shards of the Week:
Shaun: I fucked your sister after she got done stripping
Me: Did she teabag you?
Shaun: Her stage name is Hairy Balls, what do you think?
—
Liz: What's “The Whore Test?”
Shaun: Do you smoke?
Liz: Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?
Shaun: You're a whore.
Liz: What the hell?
Shaun: I didn't make the rules….
—
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Bitchy Girl: Sure
(I go to the bar, tell the bartender to fill my empty Bud Light bottle with water…she does….Bitchy girl tastes it)
Bitchy Girl: What is this?
Me: Bud Light….?
Bitchy Girl: Oh…
Me: So, hey, I gotta go here, my friends are leaving…can I get your number?
Bitchy Girl: Yeah, sure…here (grabs my cell and puts here number in)
Me: Cool, cool. Make sure you finish that beer 😉
Bitchy Girl: I will, I will… (chugs the beer one more time). Wait. This is fucking water. WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh my god, who does that?
Me: Expect a call from me tomorrow.
*I love America