I try to read the Coroner but it's like? it's so depressing.
Aaaaa?Xavier Holland
Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously making with the funny.
It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you'll learn why the stock market is a heartless bitch.
We're on the Eve of Something
The market is at what the professionals call a turning point. This typically happens during what they call earning season. Earning season actually happens four times a year. It's the time of the year when quarterly earning statements come out and speculators find out if they were right, wrong or out of a job. Things get interesting during earning season.
This week, Ben “Vicodin Kicks Ass” Bernanke and his cartel cronies cut interest rates another quarter point and indicated that this could very well be the last time he cuts rates this year. Apparently, now that every product in the grocery market is up four million percent, he's starting to worry about inflation and thinks that cutting interest rates may not be the best idea. I sometimes wonder what Bernanke does with his days because he's certainly not watching the market. I'll bet he just plays Grand Theft Auto all day. It just seems like his kind of video game.
By promising to stop cutting rates, Bitches Bernanke actually strengthened the dollar, which helped cause a bit of a commodities slide, which negatively affected the market leaders (agriculture, oil and metal stocks), which means that this could be the beginning of a new trend that may yield new market leaders and signal that we're coming out of a recession.
Of course, it also may not mean a damn thing. That's why they call it speculating.
If I were your advisor I would tell you that now is an awesome time to invest in nothing because I don't know what the hell is happening. As I type to you, oil is rising and oil stocks are rebounding. It's literally happening right now. The market is a confusing place but, thankfully, still not as confusing as the thought process of your average woman (but what is?).
Microsoft is Just Plain Mean
When my girl called me up and dumped me, she managed to still be nicer than Microsoft is being to Yahoo. The company that Gates built gave Yahoo a deadline to accept its offer of billions more than you'll make in your lifetime. That deadline passed last Saturday and Yahoo still owns itself. It seems to me, and maybe I'm crazy, but if you want something from someone, ultimatums probably aren't the way to go. I'm giving Microsoft one week to figure that out.
New York will Tax your Footsteps
New York, home to the highest prices in America, is trying to pass a law that would force online companies to pay taxes on any business they do in the state. Which is to say that if a New Yorker were to order a book from Amazon, a fraction of Amazon's profits would go the state, thus Amazon would have to up its prices in New York. If this passes, you can rest assured that every other state will try to get something like that done and the advantages of buying/selling on the internet would seriously dwindle. But retail stores would be happy. So, if this passes, my advice to you is to buy a retail store.
Free advice is often adequately priced, just so you know.
Chocolate Buys Gum, Creates Awful Snack
With the help of Warren Buffet, Mars Inc bought William Wrigley for roughly the cost of Kenya. Mergers like this are often looked at with smiling faces because the companies do similar things and can integrate quickly, which means we might finally achieve the dream of chocolate flavored gum, something I've been pining for since second grade. Go for it Mars/Wrigley! I'm tried of pouring chocolate syrup all over my gum. It's just too much work.
New Innovations Better than Innovative News
A company that lives in La La Land recently developed a video game that is designed to encourage kids to brush their teeth, which is a little like creating an addictive drug that encourages kids to stay in school but whatever, teeth are that important.
Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
Your best investment is your imagination.
Aaaaa?Randy Castillo
Labels: investing