Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously injecting jokes like a shaking heroin addict with an aching arm.
It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you'll learn why the really cool kids call economic indicators, clickers.
This Economy is Sick Yo
More federal rate cuts are coming. Tens of billions more dollars worth of treasury bills are being pumped into investment houses (this month alone) because we all know that when rich people fail at their jobs, the economy is precluded from recovering. The greenback (word for dollar) is being deliberately driven down by an economic overseer who cannot understand that devaluing currency rarely yields long term success.
(Side note: The International Monetary Fund just said that US recession is inevitable. On a related note, I think the Giants are gonna win the last Super Bowl. That Eli Manning just looks sharp.)
Inflation is the name of the game. Sell the dollar. Sell it away right now. We have no intention of keeping it strong, which, if you invest properly and live off your investments, is not that big a deal. As you may remember from the first Austin Powers movie, “There are no countries anymore, only corporations.” Our representatives at the Federal Reserve don't care if they get rich off China, America, Venezuela or Lichtenstein (though that last one would be really fucking surprising).
So, what should you invest in?
Keep investing in commodities, in companies that aid agricultural development (fertilizers, farm equipment, etc), companies that aid oil refinery, exploration and development, etc. Oh and feel free to get on the currency markets and trade the dollar as well. I don't really know how to do that last one, but I probably should have looked into it months ago.
And while you're doing this, you may want to pray that those idiots in congress don't actually pass a bill that would bail out stupid investors (i.e, the lending institutions, investment houses and the homeowners, for the record) with your tax money.
But they will.
This economy is sick.
This Yahoo Microsoft Affair is getting Fucking Crazy
It really is getting hot in here.
Okay, let's look back at the Yahoo takeover bid real quickly here. Microsoft wanted Yahoo for its own, Yahoo said no. Microsoft called Yahoo a slut and tried to force Yahoo's friends to encourage the hook up. Yahoo told Microsoft to take a flying leap and then tried to hook up with News Corp. Only it didn't work out. Yahoo then slammed Google in television and radio ads in an attempt to get more attention for itself.
Fast forward to yesterday, where there was, to borrow a phrase from that one old dude that was played by Dennis Quaid in that one old movie, “a whole lot of shaking going on.”
You see, Yahoo announced that it would start using some of Google's search engines on its site because Yahoo wanted to apologize for bad-mouthing Google nationally. And then, to make both Microsoft and Google jealous, Yahoo then began talks with Time Warner AOL about a possible merger.
While all this craziness is going down, Microsoft then decides to engage in talk with News Corp about a partial merger and combined takeover of Yahoo.
What the fuck, right? I've seen relationships on seasons of The OC that were easier to follow. Let me try to recap.
Microsoft wants Yahoo; Yahoo says no and goes to News Corp (it doesn't work out); Microsoft forces a proxy fight and sets a deadline for bargaining talks; Yahoo hooks up with Google and Time Warner AOL; Microsoft then hooks up with News Corp with the hopes of buying Yahoo as partners; Yahoo says no; I think my head just exploded.
Anyway, most analysts say that all of this monkey loving is just an attempt for Yahoo to push up Microsoft's bid and I'm gonna agree with them because thinking about this has gotten really annoying. It's like the stock market equivalent of junior high-chick drama.
And no one needs that.
China says US Investments Just Fine, Watches You Buy
China okayed its citizens to purchase US securities off US exchanges for the first time ever because China is this totally free and awesome place that protects its citizens from bad investments like mortgage backed securities. You see, China protects its citizens so it doesn't have to bail their lenders out. If only we could be like China.
Sigh.
Maybe with a few more rules and regulations, we'll get there.
Banks and Cities get Bailed Out, Students get Fucked
After taking care of the shit-backed securities pushed by the hustlers in the free market, and making sure that municipal bonds were safe and secure, the federal government let student lenders collapse because fuck students. They ain't rich.
As a result, First Marblehead, a company that specializes in servicing student loans, dropped around forty percent this week. The whole student loan sector basically took a big fat dump, proving once again that if you need a loan for school, America does not need you. Government backed T-Bills are only for the brokerage firms. It's hard enough keeping the rich and privileged rich and privileged without having to worry about lowly things like the future of our middle class. Yeah, fuck them.
Icahn Wants Your Sandwich Again
I mentioned a while back how billionaire Carl Icahn sued Motorola, caused them to break into two divisions and put two of Icahn's own people on Motorola's board. Well, now he's going after Biogen and demanding they explain why they didn't let themselves be purchased by outside investors a while back, which begs the question, does anyone ever tell Carl Icahn to fuck off? I mean, when he gets a speeding ticket does the cop wake up the next day with his oldest child's head in his lap? Could Icahn, if he so decided, take my sandwich from me mid-bite?
Probably.
Yeah, that's a safe answer. Probably.
I'm going with probably.
Google Knows You Want Ads, Nudity
Google is working on a way to improve the likelihood that ads get seen on social networking sites, where focus has little to do with consumption of goods. I have some advice for Google: hot, naked chicks. Seriously, hot naked chicks always work. Even when they're unemployed.
ICSC Bitches about Lack of Blue Light Specials
There's something called the International Council of Shopping Centers and they are reporting that this was the weakest March for retailers in 13 years. Factors like an early Easter, a cool spring and a weakening dollar led to the weak March. I don't have a point or a joke here other than to stress this fact one more time: there is an International Council of Shopping Centers and they employ analysts and pay people and stuff.
And you thought Points in Case was useless?
New Innovations Will Not Pay Your Student Loan
The University of Texas has produced the most powerful laser in the world. The laser is 2000 times more powerful than the output of all the US power plants combined. It flashes for less than a trillionth of a second and its beam is brighter than sunlight at the earth's surface. No news yet on whether or not it will be used to turn Dr. Hathaway's house into the world's largest popcorn popper, however.
Mobile phones are about to get more fucking annoying. A few companies are working on ways to outfit mobile phones with projectors, so that you can project that picture of a chick getting boned by a horse onto the wall behind your professor. On a related note, people suck.
Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability he has.
Aaaaaa?Confucius
Labels: investing