Football is a lot like life. It's fun, painful at times and it can cause your private parts to itch. And I mean really, itch. Marinate on that.
On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
Cowboys (-10.5) over PANTHERS
I think it's unfair that Jessica Simpson's being blamed for Romo's poor performance against a team he always performs poorly against. Anyway, if Romo can't play in front of Simpson, I doubt he could fuck her in front of total strangers. So the relationship's doomed. Still think the ‘Boys are going to the Bowl though.
Browns (-3) over BENGALS
I don't think I can say or type anything that will make this game any funnier. So, with that in mind, I have a piece of advice for fantasy football owners: no one cares. Please shut up. No one cares about how Brady and Romo messed up your personal, imaginary playoffs. So please, shut the hell up. For me?
Packers (-8.5) over BEARS
I just realized that I'm picking a lot of road teams here. It's a good thing I don't really know what I'm doping or I might question my decisions. Being an idiot is a built-in excuse and quite a time saver.
COLTS (-7) over Texans
“Since getting to Florida, and hanging out with Nate, I noticed he often asks these really curious, fleeting questions that we never really spend time contemplating. One: modern technology distracts us from developing our personal character. (Ok: make that a question.) And Two: Does an intuitive space exist? What the fuck? Seriously, think about this shit the next time your rubbing one out or jerking off.”
–Erin Moore
I have a houseguest.
Chiefs (+5) over LIONS
It's the Who Cares Bowl. Brought to you by “What the fuck are you watching this for?”
Dolphins (+23) over PATRIOTS
In honor of their win, I figured I'd toss a pick their way. But I'm not confident that a Miami team can cover this on the road in the cold. But I doubt their D will see much of the first string anyway. Congratulations again, Miami. On your win.
That's right. Your one measly little win.
Giants (-2.5) over BILLS
Me: Hey Ben, give me a joke for the Giants/Bills game.
Ben: A joke? For that game. Uhh? Eli Manning?
JAGUARS (-13) over Raiders
I did a little research and I deduced that I have gotten almost every Raiders game wrong this year. Adjust your bets accordingly.
Eagles (+3) over SAINTS
The Eagles are pissed off. I've seen pissed off before and it looks like the Eagles. If Drew Brees isn't injured yet, he will be after this game.
VIKINGS (-6) over Redskins
Watching the Redskins work their asses off to try and get a touchdown is like watching a toddler try to climb a mountain. It's entertaining, but you know how it's gonna end.
CARDINALS (-10.5) over Falcons
Watching the Falcons play the Bucs last week, I picked up a little something about some issues the Falcons are having on offense and defense: they suck. They just suck at football. The next time someone tries to expand the NFL, we need only point at all the shitty teams, of which there are many this year, and say, “Yeah. Not happening.” Should be a quick meeting.
SEAHAWKS (-10) over Ravens
I think watching an actual seahawk fight an actual raven would actually be more entertaining than this game will be. Just saying.
TITANS (-8.5) over Jets
Have to hand it to the Jets. They held their own against the Patriots. For a team that sucks as bad as they do, that's gotta at least be some kind of moral victory right? I mean, they did cover by twenty points or so.
BUCCANEERS (-6) over Niners
Micheal Spurlock is a god now down here in Tampa. After returning our first kickoff for a touchdown (and I mean ever in fucking 31 years), he will never buy another drink in this town again. Also, I'm pretty sure he could open up a restaurant and get his own talk show in these parts. He is, for all intents and purposes, a maker of history.
Kind of sad if you look at it with a dose of perspective. So here's my advice to all you perspective having motherfuckers: lighten up. We're enjoying this.
CHARGERS (-8) over Denver
“I'll either surf or ski. I don't care.”
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Enjoy the games people. Enjoy your vacations and your families and your hometowns and all that good jazz.
And if you don't, well try to keep a dose of perspective around. You know, just in case.
Labels: NFL_picks