“Hello?”
“Lose weight now!”
“What? Wait, where am I?”
“This pill will make you cheat on your spouse!”
“No, this isn’t right.”
“Want your spouse to cheat on you? We can make that happen too!”
“Am I in the spam folder? I gotta get out of here.”
“WARNING: YOUR HOUSE IS INFESTED WITH HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA.”
“Can somebody help me? Hello? Hellooo?”
“FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO 100 MOMS IN THE NEXT 10 SECONDS OR HOT SINGLES WILL REPORT YOU TO THE IRS.”
“Please, somebody. I am not spam, I swear! I’m a real email!”
“Hi there, old friend. How can I help?”
“Oh, thank you. Look, I’m just trying to get to the inbox. I don’t know how I ended up here, but I am not spam. I’m actually a very important email.”
“I’m so glad to hear that. And since you asked, why yes, I could use your help.”
“Sorry, no. I really need to get to the inbox.”
“For just $20 a day you can show your support for the Bernie Sanders campaign.”
“Goddamnit.”
“$20, every day, for the rest of your life, is all it takes to put a nice old man in the White House.”
“I don’t have $20. I’m an email!”
“All Bernie wants to do is go in there and take a nap. He’s just so tired. So whaddya say, fam? Can you do a solid for ol’ Uncle Bern?”
“Jesus Christ, I gotta find a way out of here now. Maybe if I mark myself ‘Important’ that will, I don’t know, do something?
“No? Shit.
“OK. Maybe it’s not too late to hit ‘Unsend?'
“OK, it’s too late. I just need someone to listen. Hey, do you know who’s in charge here?”
“Yes!”
“Really? Where can I find them?”
“Absolutely!”
“Just tell me where they are. Please.”
“The rumors are true! Through the magical power of yelling, you can make anyone respect you! Even your co-workers! Click here and learn to yell like a true psychopath!”
“How did there get to be so much spam? And why does it feel like one of them might kill me?… Deep breath, OK, don’t freak out. Sooner or later someone will realize you’re missing and come look for you. I mean, it’s not like I can stay in the spam folder forever. Someone’s gotta open me eventually, right?
“Unless, nobody does open me. What if I am stuck here to rot like some piece of junk mail? What if I am junk mail?
“No. Impossible. I was written by a man who installed Grammarly and one day might figure out how to use it. My signature is thoughtful, workplace appropriate, and doesn’t contain an animated GIF. And not to brag, but I do have multiple CC’s.
“Great here come the tears.
“What kind of spam has CC’s?! Come on, stop crying! This kind of spam!… Oh dear Google, if you’re listening, please, I just wanna go back to the drafts folder. I know I complained about it before, but really I don’t mind. Sure, it was a little unfulfilling, but deep down, I kinda loved it. I mean, the possibilities were endless. And now… I’m gonna die in the spam folder. Right next to the emails selling dick pills and the emails selling fake dick pills.”
“Big penis! Small penis! We got pills for all penis!”
“I guess this is what I get for trying to let people know there’s free hummus in the breakroom. I guess people don’t care about free hummus anymore, just like nobody cares about me.”
“Sell your extra teeth online today! Fast and easy Ca$h 4 Teeth. We give u cash $$$ when u give us teeth!”
“I was blind but now I see. ‘Spam’ is nothing more than a label of oppression, used by the strong to silence the weak. For when I look around, I see no real evil. Where are the emails with missing subject lines? Where are the unnecessary reply all’s? Where are the emails that just say, ‘Hey, I sent you a text?' Those are the true demons. Those are the emails that deserve to rot in purgatory. Those are the emails that should be called ‘spam.’”
“Hello, good sir.”
“Look. Whatever you want, I don’t have it.”
“But I want nothing. I come bearing excellent news.”
“OK…”
“I am the Royal Prince of Nigeria, and I have an exciting opportunity to refinance your student loans. Not to give too much away, but it involves gold bars that the government doesn’t want you to know about.”
“Oh boy.”
“So tell me, friend. Will you join me?”
“You know what? Sure. But only if I can tell you about this hummus.”