Last night, my friend Kev called me up and told me a story about his friend and business partner, Jonathan. Jonathan had decided to eat Thanksgiving at his next-door neighbor's house. I believe he'd been invited because, well it's rude to crash Thanksgiving dinner and Jonathan seems like a polite guy (for reasons to be revealed right here in this here post).
Jonathan and I spoke on the phone today, and in doing so, he revealed to me that the woman hosting this Thanksgiving dinner is bat-shit crazy. How crazy?
She's so crazy that she shut off the football game he was watching with ten seconds left to go in the first half. Now I know all three Thanksgiving football games sucked this year, but still? ten seconds left in the half? I'd a hurt somebody.
After dinner, Jonathan decided that it would be rude to destroy this chick's bathroom with one of those relentless and often toxic Thanksgiving shits, so he went next door to his house and did his business. When he returned, he found his host quite upset at him. She thought he was just watching the football game in his house and not straining over the bowl as was the case.
Jonathan explained himself, but the crazy chick was still crazy and she explained to Jonathan's wife that she was more than a little upset about what went down.
For whatever reason, Jonathan decided to ask Kevin for advice. I have found Kevin to be pretty good at providing advice, particularly about male/female relationships and anything having to do with business. I don't know exactly what heading this particular problem could come under, but I guess we could call it a neighbor issue or maybe a bat-shit crazy chick issue. Either (or any other) way, Jonathan asked Kevin what he should do and Kevin dispensed some quality advice, in my opinion.
“Here's what you need to do,” Kevin told his partner. “You need to walk over there at about eight in the morning in your robe, face unshaven, with a newspaper under one arm and politely say to the crazy bitch, ‘I understand that I have offended you, and I just want to take this opportunity to make it up to you. Which shitter should I use?'”
I've seen a lot of problem solving in both my life and my line of work, but never have I heard of such a great way to right a wrong, put things in perspective and get a great joke out of it.
But Jonathan won't do it. First, he explained to me that he would not do it because his wife wouldn't let him. A few minutes later he added that he also wouldn't do it because he's mildly afraid of this chick, who he tells me is dead sure that she is right about everything, even when ninety percent of the country disagrees.
Nevertheless, I feel this has to be done.
So Jonathan, I'm calling you out. For comedy's sake, for the sake of The Nate Way and for the good of all decent shits everywhere, you need to follow Kevin's advice.
And you need to find a way to film it, too.
‘Cause that shit would be funny as hell.