Well, as those of you who read last week's football picks may know, I may have stepped over the imaginary lines of good taste and decorum by describing in detail just about everything I know about Stoner Chick. As a result of my idiocy, we had the following email exchange.
From: Stoner Chick
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 3:45 pm
To: Nathan Degraaf
Subject: You suck.
Nice little write up about me, asshole. Meanwhile, while you're being a jealous dick, I'm dealing with shitty shifts and my great aunt who is dying.
You hear that, asshole? She is dying.
But thanks for understanding.
Dick.
From: Nathan Degraaf
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 3:52 PM
To: Stoner Chick
Subject: Re: You suck.
I had no idea. Maybe if you returned a phone call or two I would know this.
My condolences on your upcoming loss.
From: Stoner Chick
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 4:03 pm
To: Nathan Degraaf
Subject: Re: You suck.
I swear to Christ, you were raised by wolves.
From: Nathan Degraaf
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 4:11 PM
To: Stoner Chick
Subject: Re: You suck.
Are you gonna be able to help with the football picks, this week? I have to be on a plane Saturday morning. I think my audience really misses you.
From: Stoner Chick
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 4:22 pm
To: Nathan Degraaf
Subject: Re: You suck.
Eat a fat donkey dick.
So, as was made relatively obvious by her e-tone, Stoner Chick once again will be sitting out the football picks. I emailed them to her yesterday, but she has yet to return that email or any of my calls. Hopefully, she'll get some really nice stuff for Christmas and come to forget last week's picks ever existed. Hopefully.
Anyway, it's just me again. On to the picks. Home team in CAPS.
Chiefs (-7) over RAIDERS
This line opened at 1 and then rolled all the way to 7. Now, typically when this happens, I bet the other way, but well, this is the time of the year when we have to think of playoff implications, and if the Chiefs can't open up the proverbial case of whoopass on this anemic Raiders team, well they have lost any and all playoff chances. It's a psyche thing.
Titans (-41/2) over BILLS
Vince Young? All? he? does? is? win? football? games? It's? an? ellipsis? thing?
Saints (-3) over GIANTS
America's team versus the Whiny Bitches of America Team. I'll take the Saints, thanks. It's a chemistry thing.
FALCONS (-61/2) over Panthers
Both these teams can fuck off. I never know what they're gonna do from one day to the next. It's an inconsistency thing.
RAMS (-2) over Redskins
In honor of the most recently retired Points in Case columnist, allow me to offer a little homage:
“Hey, is Demolition Man on?”
It's a PIC thing.
Colts (-9) over TEXANS
You get the feeling that the Colts are gonna cost themselves the post season by trying out a bunch of trick plays on the Texans, essentially revealing themselves to their playoff competition. It's a coaching thing.
STEELERS (-31/2) over Ravens
One team needs this win like Pookie needed crack rock. The other team's gonna spend a few hours staring at some cheerleaders and eating hoagies. It's a desperation thing.
BROWNS (-3) over Bucs
It's an apathy thing.
Bears (-5) over LIONS
Ordinarily, I would take the Lions here because the Bears don't really need this win (on paper), but the Bears do need to get their shit together and remember how to fire on all six cliche's. It's a car thing.
JAGUARS (-3) over Patriots
One team really needs to win. The other team really needs to quit short-changing themselves and get some decent personnel around their quarterback. It's a money thing.
Cardinals (+4) over 49ERS
I have no opinion on this game whatsoever. Couldn't care less. It's a yawn thing.
BRONCOS (-3) over Bengals
Okay, Denver is one of the whitest metropolises in this great country. Their cops are conditioned to arrest black men on sight. What are the odds that we see another Bengal arrest this week? Come on guys. The season's almost over. You're due. It's a criminal thing.
SEAHAWKS (+31/2) over Chargers
The Seahawks could clinch their division with this win. Meanwhile, the Chargers should be spending their time studying game film and getting their choke muscles ready for the playoffs. It's a preparation thing.
COWBOYS (-7) over Eagles
The Cowboys may cover this spread, but it won't be because of that hippie, vegan Mexican who calls himself their quarterback. It'll be because of their stellar defense and soft-handed receivers. It's a burger thing.
Jets (-21/2) over DOLPHINS
The Jets need this win if they want to compete for a wildcard. The Dolphins need a better quarterback, offensive line and receiving corps. It's a mismatch thing.
Last week (counting Thursday): 6-10
Overall record: 101-115-9
What can I say? It's a suck thing.
Labels: NFL_picks