The State of Missouri just can't quit me.
We've had a rocky past, me and Missouri. We've had our ups and our downs (mostly downs) and we've been through a lot together, so I could understand why Missouri would want to hang on to me, but that stupid slut is just gonna have to learn that it's over between us.
Now, I'm not saying that it's been all bad. Missouri and I had our good times, but after a while, well the bad just started outweighing the good.
I think the relationship really started to suck around the time that Missouri took my license (when I was 17) and put me on probation for two years, the bitter little skank. After this arrest, despite the fact that I wasn't legally allowed to leave the state, I violated my probation and moved to Tampa. After only nine months in the State of Florida, I had completed my probation with the State of Missouri and my mother mailed my driver's license to me.
To celebrate my freedom, my roommates and I threw a big party that must have been really awesome because I woke up on my kitchen table in my boxer shorts with a strange dog licking my foot. I remember thinking, right after I wiped the peanut butter off my foot that morning (early afternoon?whatever), that I was finally done with the State of Missouri, that she would never bother me again. It made me feel good, and not just “smiles and kisses” good but “immensely satisfying dump” good. I was happy.
But sadly, Missouri was not done with me. Some years later, the State of Missouri would arrest me again as I drove through (at only thirty miles over the speed limit and under the influence of good times). This time, she suspended my license again. The only problem was that my license was a Florida license so she couldn't take it from me. So she suspended my Missouri license, which I was perfectly happy to let her do because I didn't have one (I know this doesn't make much sense, but believe me, it happened). I returned to Florida, got a job and pretended the whole thing never happened.
Now, a few years later, some wiseass, punk, bureaucrat assholes decided that there should be a national database that linked all driving records from all states. Before this, the State of Florida and the State of Missouri never had to talk to each other. Now, they talk all the time like a couple of chatty Cathys with heads perched over backyard fences. I was unaware of this development of national socialism, and as such, was very shocked when I found out two weeks ago that the State of Florida would not renew my license.
“What's the problem?” I asked the girl behind the counter at the DMV.
“Do you have an outstanding warrant in Missouri?”
“Ahh,” I practically groaned. “That fucking shit fuck of a backwater province keeps trying to hold me back.”
“Hey,” she said. “I'm just the messenger. And you're in a government building. Please try to tone it down.”
“I'm sorry,” I said.
She accepted my apology and handed me a piece of paper with a phone number and some contact information for the State of Missouri. Which was a good thing, because I hadn't seen her in so long that I had lost the bitch's number.
Later, I returned to the office and called Missouri. In typical fashion, the bitch kept me on hold for over an hour. After I finally got a hold of her, Missouri told me that she would take the charge out of the national database if I sent her a check for $25.
Fucking whore just has to get every last red fucking cent, you know?
But, all is well that ends well. I returned to the DMV today and received my driver's license from the State of Florida, which was very happy to see me again. I apologized for Missouri's behavior, but Florida just laughed it off.
She's a swell gal, that Florida. Swell and fine and just everything good, you know?
I think I love her.
Oh, and in case you're curious (or even if you're not), I'm picking the Packers (-3) for tonight.