Well guys, I'm sorry to disappoint but, due to prior engagements, Stoner Chick will not be able to pick the games with me this weekend. That's right. You're stuck with boring old me. But, the news is not all bad. In an effort to provide you insight into Stoner Chick's life and simultaneously lay a pile of shit on her for cutting out on us this weekend (because she's not just cutting out on me, but on you fine people as well), I am gonna use this week's football pick introduction to tell you everything that I've learned about Stoner Chick since I met her a little more than a month ago. There's even some juicy stuff in here, too. You can thank me later.
Born on February 14th, 1988, Stoner Chick came into this world as the middle child of her mechanic (now machinist) father and her music teacher mother. Her older sister is an exotic dancer and lives in South Tampa. Her younger brother is, in addition to being a part time mechanic, a first string linebacker and third string running back for his varsity high school team. I have never met any of her family.
Stoner Chick graduated high school with a GPA under 2.0, and as such, she cannot be admitted to any reputable university in Florida or beyond. She's considering attending community college, but acknowledges that she plans on getting through life based on her looks, marrying an older guy with money and having a bunch of kids who grow up to be quarterbacks (the boys) and musicians (the girls). Stoner Chick plays the harp, the guitar and the piano. She was relatively impressed with my harmonica playing, but was quick to point out that I'm practically tone deaf. Stoner Chick can be kind of a bitch, especially when she's out of weed.
When Stoner Chick first started smoking pot, she didn't want to get a job and actually pay for it herself, so she dated as many pot dealers as she could. This did not help her with her studies. Nevertheless, she has great connections and rarely pays full price for her vice. Stoner Chick is drinking a lot more than usual lately, and when she combines marijuana with alcohol, well, let's just say she becomes a hell of a lot more fun (not that I would know from experience because I don't drink with minors as a rule).
She lost her virginity when she was sixteen, which, coincidentally was only two fucking years ago. She makes me feel very old.
Stoner Chick is very interested in perfecting her sexual abilities, specifically oral. It is her goal to be one of the best cock suckers in Florida because, as I have mentioned, she does not plan on working after getting married. I have tried to help with this in every way I can, and I sure hope that her future husband appreciates the sacrifices we have both made in an effort to increase his quality of life. (Side note: she's getting a lot better.)
Despite all of her character flaws, Stoner Chick is very family oriented. Unlike most middle children, who can become hypersensitive and needy, Stoner Chick is more of a provider. Part of the reason for this is that her older sister ran away to Miami when she was a teenager, leaving the oldest sibling responsibilities to Stoner Chick. And the other part of the reason for this is that her father spoils the shit out of her.
Like everyone in her family, Stoner Chick is a diehard Bucs fan. She cried when the Bucs let (Strong Safety) John Lynch go to Denver after the Bucs won the Super Bowl. She misses Warren Sapp a lot, too.
Stoner Chick does not eat red meat unless it's (and I'm quoting here) in “one of those taco salad thingies.” She is five feet six inches tall, weighs about 110 pounds soaking wet and dyes her hair blond (like many girls). She's not very into makeup and other girly stuff (she brags about having only fifteen pairs of shoes, as if that's a small amount of footwear), though her collection of stuffed animals is borderline unhealthy (her parents made her get rid of a lot of stuffed animals so she moved them to the trunk of her car). Since she started waitressing/bartending in South Tampa a month ago, she has been asked out an easy fifty times. She also made more money than I did last month (stay in school, kids). Her favorite movie is “The Devil Wears Prada” and she does not have a favorite book. She very much likes rap music, but she keeps a few Beethoven CDs in her car (I've never seen nor heard of her actually playing one, though). She hardly ever wears her hair the same way two days in a row and her eyes are blue.
So there you go. Now you know just about everything I know about Stoner Chick.
Hopefully, she'll be back next week, but if not, well, we'll all know why.
On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Cowboys (-3) over FALCONS
In deference to Drew Beldsoe's blog (about the funniest thing on the internet nowadays), I just want to say that the Cowboys will pull this off because of a lack of Falcon passing ability, and not because of that hippie, non-burger eating, Tony Romo.
Jets (+31/2) over VIKINGS
It pains me to say this, but Brad Johnson's career is over.
Come back to Tampa, Brad. We're sorry we didn't keep you after you won us a Super Bowl and we'll gladly give you a job as an assistant coach at USF (and Brad, if you're reading this, I have no authority over any jobs in Tampa, let alone those at USF, but it's the thought that counts).
RAVENS (-111/2) over Browns
I get a strange tingling sensation when I think about this Ravens team. I just have this weird feeling that these boys could end up in the Super Bowl. And no, I don't have any factual evidence to this effect, it just feels right.
Texans (+11) over PATRIOTS
Eleven points seems a bit extreme, don't you think?
Dolphins (+1) over BILLS
If I'm a Miami fan, I have to wonder why in the hell the Dolphin defense waited so long to show up and start winning football games. I mean, what the hell, right?
PANTHERS (+3) over Steelers
At the beginning of this season, I never expected that both these teams would be playing golf come January. Goes to show you never know and all that.
SAINTS (-91/2) over Redskins
Hurricane Katrina may have destroyed the city and much of the spirit of New Orleans. The resulting floods may have wiped out many of the impoverished people of this great city and destroyed many domiciles, but dammit, at least it left them with a decent NFL team. I mean, that's a fair trade, right?
Don't answer that.
TITANS (+3) over Jaguars
They say this Vince Young kid, all he does is win. Which doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying…
BEARS (-13) over Bucs
If you're ever in a sports bar in Tampa, here's how you spot a Bucs fan. If you see a guy drinking straight bourbon at one in the afternoon, popping downers and suppressing tears, that's a Bucs fan.
Have I told y'all that I'm from St. Louis and that the St. Louis Cardinals are the 2006 World Series Champions?
(Sorry, that always cheers me up.)
GIANTS (-51/2) over Eagles
As a rule, I try not to upset political extremists, religious zealots or Philadelphia Eagles fans, but man, is this the most unlucky football team of the last twenty years or what?
PACKERS (-5) over Lions
If a Detroit Lions fan was somehow sent through time from the early 1970s and asked you how in the hell GM Matt Millen still has a job, well, that would be pretty hard to answer, wouldn't it?
CARDINALS (+3) over Broncos
I'm picking this because of the old “two teams going in different directions” adage. In truth I haven't seen much of Cutler or Leinart and I have no idea how these teams have been looking lately. But ‘Zona's improving and ‘Nver is not.
CHARGERS (-9) over Chiefs
Wait, the Chargers have one of the best teams in football talent-wise and could quite possibly win the Super Bowl this year. Where have I heard this about San Diego before? Oh yeah, just about every other year. They'll beat the Chiefs, but they ain't taking the show. It's a chemistry thing.
Rams (+3) over RAIDERS
I know this game is in Oakland, but the Rams can't suck this much, can they?
Bengals (+3) Over COLTS
Life has taught me that in a battle between the polished professionals and the career criminals, the criminals almost always fight better. By the way, it turns out that the eight arrests by this Bengals team is the most arrests for any one team in the history of the NFL.
Be proud, people of Cincy. Be proud.
Last Week (counting Thursday): 10-6
Overall Record: 94-105-9
Labels: NFL_picks