I had two choices this morning. I could continue editing and writing my behemoth of a book, or I could buy a twelve pack of Heineken and watch the St. Louis Cardinals play the Chicago Cubs. Well, I edited. And I edited. And then I got bored and rubbed one out. And then I bought a twelve pack. And now I'm watching the Cardinal game.
I guess you saw that one coming, eh?
Now, I am pretty down on the Cardinals this year, but the fact of the matter is we're still up by one game in the NL Central and we have a pretty good chance of winning the division and getting knocked out of the post season by the Mets, who are pretty much the last talented team left in the National League. Nevertheless, nothing brings out the baseball fan in me like a game against the Cards' archrival, the Chicago Cubs.
Anyway, since I'm not doing anything productive on the literary front, I figured I'd use this space to rip off Master Bill Simmons, and keep another running diary.
No need to thank me. I'm here for the beer.
1:29 PM
Chris Duncan just made an awesome, ugly catch in left. I mean, it was an amazing grab and his legwork displayed all the fundamental prowess of an old man falling down a flight of stairs. And yes, that was the second at bat of the game. Did someone say Heineken?
1:35
Chris Duncan is at the plate. And the boys in the booth just ran the “Chris Duncan is a shitty left fielder” package. Thanks a lot, guys. Tim McCarver mentions that Duncan is a first baseman by trade. That's announcer speak for “he has slow reflexes.”
1:37
Cubs pitcher Rich Hill matches Cards pitcher Chris Carpenter with a one two three inning. He even struck out Albert Pujols, who, according to a study by Washington University, displays above average coordination. Gee, you think?
1:46
I'd like to point out that we're in the second inning and McCarver still hasn't said anything stupid. I think that may be a personal best for him. Cubs have Jacque Jones on first with two out.
1:49
Well, it's baseball. And streaks don't last forever. McCarver just referred to the Cubs' Matt Murton as a third and a half outfielder. Good run though, Timmy. You're like half an announcer.
1:50
Murton grounds three fourths of a ball to second for the final out of the inning.
1:54
Six in a row for Rich Hill. 21 batters away from a perfect game. And yes, I'm trying to jinx him.
2:00
One two three inning for Carpenter. Did someone say, pitchers duel? By the way, what's the over/under for shots of the Gateway Arch in any given nationally broadcast game in St. Louis? Gotta be around twenty, right?
2:02
My niece is having a birthday party in St. Louis as we speak. And yes, I feel you need to know this.
2:04
After Ronnie Belliard grounds out, we get our fifth shot of the St. Louis arch. Did you know that St. Louis has a giant arch downtown near the stadium? It's true. I know. I used to live there.
2:06
Cardinal backup catcher Gary Bennett went 128 at-bats without hitting a homerun this year and just hit his third one in a week. I know I shouldn't be the guy to bring it up (being a Cardinal fan and all), but I sure hope Gary's not slated to get drug tested any time soon.
2:08
Watching Chris Carpenter bat is like watching a ninety year old Alzheimer patient drive. You just hope he gets through it without getting hurt.
2:09
Carpenter with a base hit. I take it back, Carp. You're the man (note: that was his sixth hit of the season and pushed his average over .100?you gotta love the National League. Okay, well I do).
2:11
Rich Hill just came within an inch of hitting Aaron Miles with a four seam fastball while McCarver reminds us (for the sixth time today) that Rich Hill needs a two seam fastball. The two seam fastball is turning into the Gateway Arch of this broadcast's audio. Shut up, Tim.
2:17
Cub manager Dusty Baker most likely will lose his job next year. The boys in the booth named Lou Pinella as a potential replacement. Imagine Sweet Lou and Ozzie Guillen in the same city together. The insanity potential is off the charts. Interleague play would never be the same. Have two managers ever gotten in a fist fight before? Please Chicago, hire Sweet Lou. This needs to happen. I need another reason to buy the baseball package next year.
2:24
Not to sound like a baseball purist, but can we please stop interviewing managers during the game? I mean, has anything meaningful ever come from that?
2:27
I love it when a prescription drug company asks you to see their advertisement in a particular magazine. I can only hope that said magazine ad features the phrase, “As seen on TV.” I mean, for the irony and all.
2:29
Home plate umpire CB Buckner (I swear that was a character's name in “Smokey and the Bandit”) just called a delayed strike three on Jacque Jones. I love the delayed strike three call. I don't know why, but I do.
2:30
Phil Nevin with the first Cub hit of the day. We're in the fifth. For a baseball game, this thing is moving. I mean, I'm still on my first beer. This is insane.
2:31
Thom Brennaman's little diatribe on Dusty Baker's fate ends happily as the Cards turn a double play. Bottom of the fifth. Time for beer number two. I'll be right back.
2:37
Backup catcher Gary Bennett with another hit. He's on HGH. I mean, fire. The man is on fire.
2:39
Tim McCarver just spoke for two minutes without completing a sentence or making a point. The man really is in a class by himself.
2:42
We've only been playing for an hour and fifteen minutes and we're going to the sixth inning with a one run game. Did I accidentally walk into 1970? This is weird.
2:45
Thom Brennaman just said, “If you talk to any pitching coach who knows anything about pitching?” Something you know that we don't, Thom? (And while we're here, why the extra H, Thom?)
2:48
I'll bet Tim McCarver's former English teachers cry themselves to sleep every night. Oh yeah, and another one two three inning for Carp. This could be my first ever three-beer baseball game. I mean, damn.
2:53
And we got our ninth shot of the Gateway Arch. Just so y'all know, there are a few other buildings in St. Louis. Not many, but a few.
2:54
As if on cue, the cameras brought us a shot of the old St. Louis courthouse. Thanks, guys. By the way, we're on our way to the seventh. Three innings left to play in a 1-0 game after not even playing an hour and a half? If I wasn't typing this on a computer, I would swear it was 1960. I have hardly even dented my second beer. I mean, I can't tell you the last time I was sober in the seventh inning of a baseball game. This is truly unprecedented (yes, my first time ever typing “unprecedented.” I've been waiting for that all year).
2:59
So Taguchi is brought in to left field to replace Chris Duncan, making for the first dumb managerial move of the day. About time. I mean, we're in the seventh.
3:02
Nice shot of Jeff Weaver picking his nose in the dugout. I live for this!
3:03
Aramis Ramirez just grounded to short after having a heckuva at bat. In case you're scoring at home, you can't have a heckuva at bat unless you see at least seven pitches. It's a rule.
3:05
Okay, this is really interesting to me. With a 1 ball and 2 strike count, Cardinal pitcher Chris Carpenter went to talk to his catcher. Then, he threw strike three to get Michael Barrett. So, I have to know, what the hell did he say? I caught for years and I have no idea what could have possibly been said there. This is the kind of stuff that needs to be captured in post game interviews. I mean, I need to know.
3:10
I swear Ronnie Belliard used to sell pot and hustle eight ball in St. Petersburg. I mean, I recognize him from somewhere?
And we go into the eighth inning. The biggest question of the day: how long can the Cardinals keep it up? The second biggest question: when will I get to beer number three? I know I'm beating it to death, but I can't believe this is a nationally televised, big league game in the new millennia. I'm beside my beer. I mean, self. I'm beside my self. Yeah, that's it.
3:14
Phil Nevin just tied the game with a homerun. He's determined to ruin this outing for Carpenter. All of the sudden, I am afraid. I am very afraid. Well, I guess I have an answer to at least one question. The Cardinals could keep it up for exactly one hour and forty six minutes. Time to chug that beer.
3:18
Cub manager Dusty Baker decides to pull pitcher Rich Hill from the game, probably because Gary Bennett and his steroids are coming to the plate. This will probably go down as the second dumb managerial move of the day. Hey, at least I have time to finish my second beer. That's a plus.
3:22
Chris Carpenter is allowed to bat for himself and gets a base hit. There is a God and he hates Dusty Baker. Seriously though, Dusty handles a pitching staff like I handle sobriety: poorly.
3:24
Aaron Miles breaks his bat and Tim McCarver giggles like a school girl and then says, “Some things are funny and that was funny.” I don't even have a joke here.
3:26
Miles with a base hit. He moves Carp to third and then Jim Edmonds pinch hits for So Taguchi. Thanks for the half inning of work, So. You were a big help. First and third and one out for the best Cardinal suffering from post concussion syndrome. Why was Duncan taken out, again? God, I hate dumb moves.
3:28
Edmonds strikes out. I could have done a better job managing this team than LaRussa, today. I want that on the record.
3:29
Pujols is up. Either the Cubs intentionally walk him or they give up at least one run. Mark my words.
3:30
Really? You're gonna pitch to Albert? Thank you. I mean, thank you so much.
3:31
After two thrown balls, the Cubs change their mind and walk Albert. I guess common sense got the best of Dusty Baker. Hey, it can happen to anyone.
Bases loaded, two outs for Scott Rolen. Please, please, please?.
3:32
Rolen pops out. I hate everyone, right now. Don't talk to me. I mean that.
3:35
Oh shit. Carp just gave up the ball. He's injured or something. Hold me. I mean, the Cardinal bullpen has been about as effective as toilet paper against VD. God, I hate worrying about this stuff so much. It's moments like this when you wish your dad had taken you to the theatre instead of the ballgame when you were five. I mean, my heartbeat is racing and my hands are shaking. And you think I'm kidding.
3:38
Randy Flores is pitching to a guy named Angel Pagan. I'm starting to think Satan is in on this game.
3:39
Pagan grounds out. God bless, Pagan. God bless.
3:40
Juan Pierre with a base hit against Flores. I'm spinning, right now. How are the Reds doing? Please tell me they're losing. I really like being in first place.
3:42
A Cardinal double play sends us to the bottom of the ninth inning. If John Madden announced baseball, this is when he would say, “This is what it's all about right here.” This game is that important. Hell, when you're only one game up, every game is that important. I'm gonna be a bubbling mess by the end of the season. I can tell all ready.
3:44
I'm googling psychologists right now. I need help.
3:46
Preston Wilson gets jammed and lucks out with a one out base hit. He's a recent acquisition, so I don't know if he can run. But McCarver says he has great speed and if you can't trust McCarver, well, you're smart. What can I say?
3:47
Wilson steals a base. I think I love him.
3:48
Belliard pops out and here comes the great Gary Bennett.
3:50
And Bennett wins the game with a base hit. Do not drug test him. Do not drug test him. Wow, I feel all the blood returning to my body. We're still alive! We're still alive! I might just have to buy a Gary Bennett jersey. Wow, I'm happy. And for the record, I consumed only two and a half beers today.
Wow. Just wow.
3:52
I love everyone right now. Party at my place. Come on over. What a game.
I wish I had something more to say.
Thanks for spending the game with me. Have a good one.