If I was a clown and my shift was over. I'd take all the makeup off my face…except for the red part around my lips.
I like to play tricks on babysitters. I'll tell them things like I'll be home by midnight, but then, I won't come home till 4 days later.
I once called a PET store and asked if they had any kittens for sale. The lady said they had lots. Then I laughed and said: “Oh I'm sorry, I called the wrong number.” and hung up.
If I were to go back in a time machine, I'd go back to the caveman times and ride my bike around. I'd do crazy tricks and use rocks as ramps.
Yesterday, I ran into my kindergarden teacher. She said she was delightfully surprised to see what I man I have become and then I asked her what's with the wheelchair.
Being on the internet is fun when people can't tell who you are. But then its not fun when you look at yourself in the mirror after you looked at a lot of porn.
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a robot. Even for entire blind dates.
If my son ever came home crying because he was bullied. I would then do some reverse psychology and bully him back until he laughed.
If I was a ghost, I wouldn't go around scaring people. I'd just want to party. And then maybe if I was drunk, I would scare people. But then if they got really scared then I would just tell them I'm kidding and that I'm drunk.
Whenever I'm sitting in a bush pretending to be a space explorer, I will sometimes look up at the stars and wonder if aliens really exist. Then I go back to looking into my neighbor's window.
If Robin Hood was alive today, I bet instead of living in a forest, he'd be living in an apartment.
If someone ever calls your phone asking for a person you don't know. Say hold on and then come back on the line pretending you are that person. Sometimes you can have a full conversation with that person, but most of the time you can't.
Next time you are riding on a bus, look at a stranger in the eye. Then look away. If you look back and make eye contact again, then you two are probably soulmates.
One time my best friend and I were watching a movie that he downloaded off the internet. After the movie I went home and called the FBI and told them he downloaded the movie off the internet. Nobody ever did anything so we are still best friends.
I like to carry a blind cane around in my car. Just in case I ever get into a serious car accident that I caused, I will get out with my blind cane and shout: “What the fuck was I thinking!”