Today’s post is brought to by Gone with the Wind: “If you can ignore the rose-colored glasses the author of this script obviously wore for that rendition of the old south, you might be able to focus on the plot lines.” (Or “It’s only around four hours long because back in the day, women couldn’t get their daily fix of drama through daytime-television. This movie had to last until your grandma could get her hands on the next trashy romance novel.”)
For starters, I must say-nay, warn you- that if you do not honestly enjoy trashy romance novels or daytime soap operas, you should put down the DVDs and watch something else. If you enjoy berating films with your buddies or adding humorous commentaries to old movies, you should rent this film, and you should be prepared to make a drinking game of the experience. Hell, invite a few people over a make it a costume party. I’m sure you’ll get a few laughs from the girls trying to make southern belle type dresses sluttier. (Corsets for everyone! Yay!)
If you haven’t seen Gone with the Wind, don’t plan on seeing the movie sober, but want to make an analyst that might just impress the girl next to you (the one on your left, the one on your right isn’t really a lady), it is just like high school (like many, many other things in life). There is the hot girl that all the boys want. This time the hot girl’s name is Scarlet, not Candi, and she is a brunet, not blonde. Instead of wanting to get with a gay man or very involved Christian boy, the hottie wants to hook up with a guy named Ashley who is planning to marry his cousin (remember: Gone with the Wind is old lady soaps). The part of the cute new student who just moved in will be played by Rhett, the visitor from Charleston. Guess who gets into Scarlet’s box.
Vivien does a wonderful job portraying the one and only Scarlet O’Hara. That isn’t really saying much since Scarlet is every woman alive. No, I’m not joking. Scarlet is every woman that you have ever known. She is the epitome of everything that is wrong with the female gender. She doesn’t know what she wants, she thinks she wants what she can’t have, and she lashes out from not scoring the trophy boy she wanted by leading on every Tom, Dick, and Harry she can find. She is easiest character any woman would have to act as because every woman is Miss O’Hara.*
Clark Gable (Rhett) does an amazing job being what every girl doesn’t want to admit that she wants, end of discussion. (I’m not going to spend time swooning over Gable because most of the people that will actually read this are male and the female population would ostracize me for telling them what we really want.)
(Please excuse the following gripe.)
Leslie Howard does a fine job playing the one that the hottie can't catch. He also provides us with an important life lesson; don’t be Ashley. Ashley is the perfect example of what you shouldn’t be. If you are an Ashley, you probably have some obsessive little tart like Scarlet after your pants but not that tartlet is probably twice as crazy, twice as heavy and/or half as pretty.
(The griping is over. You can unfasten your seatbelts.)
All in all, I highly recommend not seeing this movie sober. I also recommend ignoring the entire first half. If you need to know everything that happened in the first half so you can just watch the second, I will write it all down for you and it will only take you five minutes to read it as opposed to two hours of watching it.
Oh, and it is appropriate to laugh when Scarlet falls down the stairs after stating that she didn’t even want to be pregnant, as long as your pro-choice. If you’re pro-life, I’m sorry, you gave up the right to laugh at this kind of situation when you started going on and on about “What if the baby is the next Messiah? You shouldn’t get rid of the Messiah.” (I highly doubt that any abortion could kill the messiah, or that any religious figure would be dumb enough to impregnate a chick that will just ditch the damn kid.)
*If you wish to combat the over powering strength of your femininity, it is strongly recommend that one should only do so in very small doses. An overdose of testosterone can cause butch tendencies, severe mood swings, a taste for flannel, a taste for fish tacos, the ability to solve complex math equations, the dropping of ovaries, and/or cockiness. (Oh, and cancer. Everything causes cancer.) If you wish to create a small level of naturally occurring testosterone to help put logic back into your life, you should take up only one activity that requires logical thought. Such activities include but are not limited to car repair, algebra, physics, reading (of male authors and certified logical female authors), TPS reports, farming, and weight management.
Labels: movie reviews, pro-whatever, unrelated rants