It's 3 am, I'm blogging, and I'm rattling off as many one liners* as possible. Let's do this.
Asking someone to be your Netflix friend is like saying, “Tell me how to be like you.”
I like Nyquil, because between its name and slogan, you know what it does. Water: The swallow liquid.
My sister came home from college with two beta fish. Apparently one picks on the other, and I caught them in the act. I wonder who's more embarassed, the Inferior Beta or the Master Beta.
If a Beta dies from drinking too much, does their whole school get put on suspension?
I have a weird eating schedule. Why did I register for all these night meals? Oh right, to get the good professors.
I once did an audition for a role, and the director asked if I could act. Yeah. (nonchalant). What do you mean that's not enough? (indignant) God, why is this business so hard! (not acting, that's reality).
If you're a small, buttered baked bread product, then your role in life is just that.
I like wearing headbands because it makes people wonder if I'm gay or from the eighties. You're wrong: I'm from the Gayghties.
When people ask me if I thought Talladega Nights was funny, I say no. Then I reveal the tattoo on my dong reading “Talladega Nights” and say “This baby is always serious.”
My mom never throws useless food items away and this bugs me, but she says she can't see food go to waste. That's when I knew she didn't have x-ray vision.
* Demetri Martin much?